Emotional dependency?

[Anonymous]

I'm sure I have emotional dependency on a girl and she has hurt me so much in the past. She started to treat me badly since some weeks ago and I promised to myself I wouldn't get back to her. What I just did? I texted her and she was nice to me and we are friends again. I feel so bad, I know I will hurt myself again, its not entirely her fault of course but maybe she will act indifferent again towards me. I dont want to stay in this friendship, she doesn't deserve me but i just can't leave

[SteveSmith1985]

This is an "abusive relationship." In fact, what you wrote here, could literally be in a textbook, as an example of an "emotionally abusive relationship." You would benefit from doing a bit of research (just google it) on "emotionally abusive relationships."

The way you're acting and reacting is very very typical of victims of abusive relationships. It's the exact same phenomenon that keeps a woman whose boyfriend beats her, from being able to leave. It's not as simple as "just deciding to leave." Well, I mean... it IS that simple, at the end of the day. What I mean is, that there are complex emotional factors at play. These are unhealthy, but extremely powerful. It prevents someone from making decisions in the rational way that they make decisions about everything else in their life.

It's why a woman with a black eye, might say "enough is enough" and leave some asshole who beats her... only to take him back a few days or a few weeks later. She KNOWS rationally, that this is stupid. She knows rationally, that this is a bad decision. She knows rationally, that she is going to get hit again regardless of apologies or kind words.

Yet, she'll often go back to him. She convinces herself "this time will be different" or "maybe he'll change" or whatever nonsense. It's a form of denial. It's not easy, or straightforward for those experiencing it. I have known a lot of good people in abusive relationships. Usually women abused by a husband or boyfriend. What you're experiencing is totally totally "normal."

That doesn't mean that it's "right" or "ok" that you feel that way. (Because nobody should put up with being abused).

You do need to get out of this friendship. What strategies you employ are going to depend on you. But if I were you, I would start with educating myself on abusive relationships. You are experiencing something (being in an abusive relationship) which is causing you to act/feel in ways that are genuinely confusing for you, but also which are DETRIMENTAL. You are going to need to get out of this. It's not going to be easy regardless. But you are going to need to figure out the best way for you to do that.

The first step is to find out a bit about what exactly is happening to you. Like I said, your experience and reactions are quite typical. Start by gaining a bit of an understanding of what you're dealing with here. The dynamics of an abusive relationship are not easy to navigate. But the longer you stay in such a relationship, the harder it tends to be to escape.

Feel free to DM me if you'd care to chat. I'm always open to trying to help anybody get out of an abusive relationship (if I'm able to). Seeing that you're under 18 is especially heartbreaking. So, if you'd care to talk, don't hesitate to shoot me a message.

Otherwise, do a bit of learning about what it is you're going through. Find the best strategy for you to get this person out of your life. And get her out of your life. This is really important. You DO need to escape from this. 🙂