Why do people view being narcissistic as a bad thing?

[TenderFantasy]

Or sociopathic?

I just realized something.

Before people JUMP on me, think about it. Who will love you till the end? Yourself! Who will love you in your times of suffering (Religious people please stay away lol). Who will love you in your last breath? ! You! Who will abandon you sometimes (unfortunately)? ! Sometimes your lover! Sometimes your friends and sometimes even "god forbid" your family!

My ex was a narcissist and that was a major part of why we couldn't work out, but that just meant he loved himself and being by himself MORE than being in a relationship maybe, and unfortunately/fortunately, that's a personal choice that I had to respect and accept!

Updates

+1 y

Appharently, the awesome sex and unforgettable memories weren't enough to make him change for the better and STRIVE to be a good husband material type of person for me so...

I've sometimes been sad over that, but what could I have done really? ! At the end of the day, EVERYONE has to (mostly) be responsible for their lives and I couldn't have controlled the other person's behavior. That's not legal (at least in the romantic sense of things), nor was it/is it encouraged, hehe.

[The_Shadow_Dweller]

It is the society that has created an illusion of helping others is a noble task. I do think it is. But till a certain degree. Survival is ensuring you stay alive, even when at the cost of other lives.

Being a narcissistic person is not good, as you may get yourself in trouble, but at the same time, you should be just enough. Sociopath people are the true face of the society, I believe. At least for the majority of it.

But our society has always been to show differently than the things actually are. Sugarcoat things instead of directly facing things head on. I think the main reason for this is, we are emotional. We become angry, let that anger make certain decisions.

[TenderFantasy]

>'It is the society that has created an illusion of helping others is a noble task.<

Well, it IS noble given that it's not normal behavior for a lot of people. At least I don't think it is. People would rather help themselves and their family/those they actually love/care about, than a complete stranger maybe as there's usually less resources available and so they fight for it..

[Kaneki05]

You mean aside from been violent and abusive?
And yeah there is nothing with a functioning Psychopath as you would never know they blend in just fine often living successful lives.
But a Sociopath? Often they have a criminal history if not it's just because they haven't been caught yet.

[TenderFantasy]

Oh I see. Well then, I didn't mean it like that... But also, why be mean (violent and abusive) to someone you loved? I guess you're right in a way. If someone loves themselves more or over other people, sometimes, to some people, it means treating the people they DON'T LOVE as less than! 😞 I know I probably loved the wrong man, but I just cannot help but reflect on the past sometimes that's all.

And to me, that's not how love works (or is SUPPOSED to work), if you love someone, you don't HURT them! At least not intentionally. However, the thing with life is that no one's perfect... * Sigh * lol, I just gotta laugh this off sometimes as it can hurt to think about too much you know?

[Kaneki05]

If your aim is love than narcissist is the furthest thing you would want. There relationships are mostly based in it be transactional it's what they can get out of you because at the end of the day they will always pick themselves first. if they had to choose to save you or themselves they would without caring much pick themselves.
But love is supposed to unselfish your supposed to want to save them instead. You are supposed to feel bad if you couldn't save them. Yet a narcissist would just shrug and walk away.

So it's for sure a bad thing if your looking for love. And the thing is a narcissist don't love themselves it's the opposite which is why they seek validation and want to manipulate people to liking them because at in reality they have inner hate towards themselves.

[Kaneki05]

You'll find someone who understands love and that will be way better :)

[TenderFantasy]

Thank you. wow. You're awesome.

[TenderFantasy]

I just wanna add that I think a lot of relationships in life tend to be transactional sadly/not sadly. Cashier to customer. Doctor to patient. Parent to child?

And you're wise beyond your years if you don't mind me saying.

[Kaneki05]

Well everything is really even love is created by giving affection and care. You always have to give something to get something but that by it's self is not a bad thing, it's only a bad thing when your giving too much for too little or visa versa.

And Thank you :)

[SnowedIn]

I won't jump on you for this and I think it's a legit question to ask. Here's what I'll tell you: you'd be right if your statemen of "that just meant he loved himself and being by himself MORE than being in a relationship maybe" was true for most of the narcissists and at the not-extreme end of the scale. I think it would be one thing if it were just a rational realization by the narcissist that "Oh, I like myself more than relationships" and they went from there. But most of the narcissists seem to go into a blazing fireball of nuking everything in their path or, perhaps more reasonably, making everything about them and hurting a lot of people in the process. I think why it's bad is that they destroy relationships.

This is way out of my area of expertise, but that leads me to another part of my answer: both narcissism and sociopath-ism are mental illnesses/personality disorders. I don't believe they'd have those classifications if there wasn't some legitimacy to their being pretty bad. Again, way out of my expertise.

I love the way you're looking at this but think your guy may have been mild whereas most just seem to chew up the people near them and leave wrecked humans and wrecked relationships.

[TenderFantasy]

Unfortunately, mine (my ex) was not a "mild case" though. He DID hurt me, both physically (at first) and recently psychologically, but I know they're both tied together. I was just too forgiving I think... and maybe too positive. Maybe I was desparate for a family (having a husband and children at my age) and he smelled it on me bad. Still no excuse but yeah.

[TenderFantasy]

By the way, I just want to add that he had already been divorced with a child when I met him (me 32, him 40). I had a really had time accepting that at first but I fell for him so we were on and off, and in the end, I truly did try to make it work, because yeah, I already built-up memories with him and everything. Maybe subconsciously he didn't really want to start a family again. Otherwise, why use me like that? ! Or worse yet, why HURT me? ! Anyway, sorry, it got too long and personal. I guess I was just looking to understand things and vent.

[SnowedIn]

I'm SO sorry you went through that. That's terrible. And, saying this with a smile and a wry chuckle, I think that's the answer to your original question.

[TenderFantasy]

❤ It's life. Sometimes, when a person doesn't listen to the red flags, it bites you back. I am still here and still trying my best to have a good life and to rise from the ashes so to speak. I am happy it's 2023. It's a new chance to redeem my life and change it for the better. And it took two anyway, so it wasn't completely my fault, but yeah, I do have to take responsibility for my part. I just won't give up because this is my one and only life (as me haha). And I DESERVE to have a good life in my perspective!

[SnowedIn]

You DO deserve a good life. All humans do. Until the un-earn it. And, though I don't wish heartache and everything else on anyone, you're a better person for your experiences.

[MCheetah]

Because being narcissitic IS a bad thing, and being a selfish piece of sh*t while the rest of society picks up the slack, makes you objectively worthless to society and your life means absolutely nothing to the rest of us who work to support each other in this world.

And trying to conflate being self-centered, arrogant, and extremely selfish, with "loving yourself" is disingenuous-as-f*ck to the point you're outright lying. Loving ones self does not prevent them from also loving others, being kind and caring to them, and treating others with dignity and respect, all of which are things narcissists do the exact opposite of.

[TenderFantasy]

Well, I believed that when it came to it, my ex's needs or mine, probably a good chunk of the time (can't say 9 times out of 10 though), he'd probably choose HIS needs over mine sadly.

[MCheetah]

I absolutely HATE this word, but that sounds like "toxic" behavior.

[TenderFantasy]

If you're interested, here's a little more of what happend. Keep in mind , all this time, he was also using drugs (weed, alcohol, meth, fentanyl, etc.) not to mention the abusive things he did. God 😞 either I was THAT stupid and desperate or I was dealing with some Bad Luck with regards to that love department! It's hard not to feel sorry for myself in that case too, but I don't want to do/didn't want to do anything drastic as a result. I only got one life to live as me so..

Have you ever had a lucky escape? Have you missed out or wished you never dumped them? ↗

[abc3643]

I see you are angling to be Trump's 4th wife!
Good luck with that.
Make sure to brush up on your Ayn Rand and Objectivism philosophy that you already seem enamored of.


Very accurate quote from John Rogers:
“There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs."

[snackthatsmilesback]

I don't think it's caring about yourself more that's bad, I think it's the not caring about others at all that's bad. It's one thing to hurt someone if that's required to help yourself. It's another thing to hurt someone just because you can, and you don't care that it hurts them. I've seen some people even get mad when the people they obviously hurt, are hurt. Like you aren't allowed to be upset around a narcissist or whatever they are. You have feel whatever they feel at the moment, or you're the problem. Nobody can live like that, that's not just loving themself more. It's fucking abuse.

[TenderFantasy]

I see..

[Msputiton]

There is more to it, than loving yourself too much

They usually demand attention and everyone to kiss their butts, and when they don't get it.

They bully and harrass others for not kissing their butts and putting them on a pedestal.

They demand to be worshipped or their is hell to pay

[TenderFantasy]

No one can make you do things you don't want. That's the beauty of self agency.

[Msputiton]

I know that. But narcissistic people are bullies.
You can have self love without bullying others

[israelss]

nothing wrong with knowing your value and love yourself, the thing is a narcissist doesn't love themselves, they're full of insecurities and disguise it by being selfish, they have no empathy for anyone and they don't know how to love.
They'll kind of feel better by making you feel bad, that's not love, that's not self love either.

[TenderFantasy]

Wow I see.

[NathanDavis]

because it is bad

you even explained it yourself, how bad you had and made you feel

and then people are just consistent with that, narcissism is bad because it brings bad stuff

[TenderFantasy]

Thing is (and I am telling everyone else), people LET others hurt them!

I mean who told them to be in a relationship with a narcissist anyway? People LET themselves get abused. Why didn't the person LEAVE at the first (or first few) signs of trouble or incompatibility? ! You gotta think they may either LIKE the abuse or are THAT desperate for sex/a relationship/whatever they think they are GETTING from the union that it's worth it for them to stay!

I was victimized by one, but I also blame myself for being at least half of the equation!

[Andres77]

Selfishness to the point when you choose to knowingly hurt others so you can benefit. That's when it's gone too far.

[TenderFantasy]

I think that's like 90% of the population don't you think? Lol.

[Andres77]

Maybe not that high but it’s gotta be close. Yes.

[Sabretooth]

They are toxic individual who only care about themselves.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he was afraid and tired of getting hurt by you