How do you apologize to someone after you've really hurt them?

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

I'm not good with apologies; but I was thinking of getting a small gift and maybe pen a letter of apologies to go with it. I'm much better at expressing myself in written form than speaking, but I plan to be there with her while she reads it and answer to her opinions on it.

[AmandaYVR]

Is she speaking to you now, feels a little better?

I read your other qs. It's a tough situation. You both had very intimate personal experiences regarding this, and I can understand coming from two different places on this.

I think some things that need to be considered in this situation are:

Couples usually prefer to be seen as a united front. When one acts separately, because they feel strongly otherwise, the first person feels shame, like they don't have influence over their partner. Two people can't always be aligned. It's very difficult blending two separate minds. She feels embarrassed, but she has control over that feeling.

She also has to learn that what the neighbours think will not kill her. She can have her own opinions, have convictions, and it's ok that others disagree with her sometimes.

Your grandfather was persecuted and killed by Nazis, and that is no small thing. But this woman did go to prison for a time, and felt very bad years later, and did ask for forgiveness. 70 years is a lot of life, and only in rare case should one have to pay for the rest of their life. She lived during a time of mind manipulation, and life or death. I've watched a documentary on this, where they interviewed the guards. Their comments and explanations ran the gamut. It sounded a lot like mind manipulation. Honestly, I expected more repenting from them. And I can understand anger when there isn't. But to many, it felt like an us vs. them life or death situation, and it's difficult to say who succumbed to save their own life vs. those who "worked for cigarettes and chocolates." Whatever the case, this woman learned the error of her judgment. Allow people to change and grow, JM. It's possible, as you well know.

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

Thank you for your answer, Amanda. As always, I wholeheartedly appreciate it.

You make excellent points especially about couples being a united front and that people can change.
In the end we made up - I still wrote my letter and she said she's keeping it and will hold me for the words in it, because "verba volant, scripta manent".

[AmandaYVR]

What a beautiful phrase. Thank you for introducing me to it. 💐

And, sorry, I forgot to write something about your specific q on this one, but all I was going to say is that you are very good with words, and I have no doubt you will speak honestly and from the heart.

I'm glad you made up.

[OlderAndWiser]

The most sincere apology is not one which merely expresses remorse ofr past conduct, but instead is one which clearly expresses a commitment to ensuring that you don't repeat the same mistake again in the future.

[OlderAndWiser]

Grazie per MHO!

[Guy13]

Consistency over time with accompanying permanently changed sprit…

[NathanDavis]

genuinely...