When You’ve Hurt or Offended Someone, Do You Say You’re Sorry?

[SnowedIn]

This post is both a question and an apology.

I didn’t think my first question would be an apology, but there’s someone I offended, and this is an opportunity to say “I’m sorry.”

I joined GaG one evening because I was bored and thought it might be fun. Zero expectations. Naively thought there wouldn't be much here. Instead, I’ve had some laughs, been inspired, been intellectually challenged, and found some real people who I really admire.

I’m almost 49 and know from painful experience that life includes mistakes, missteps, and misspeaks. Recognizing – acknowledging – our mistakes isn’t about regret or pity. It’s the right thing to do. It’s about the fact that everyone makes them. It’s about “I wish I had done that better”. It’s about the journey of improvement that every human has in front of them. It’s about wishing that our impact was different, better, less hurtful, more encouraging. It’s about “I’m sorry.”

I’ve been told before that saying “I’m sorry” is stupid. That apology is weakness. That making amends and seeking forgiveness are unnecessary and overrated. That real men don’t. Just get over it and move on. I’m sure someone here will tell me, “Dude, get over it.” Fine. I don’t agree with that but I respect it.

Words matter, and I caused offense. I cannot change the past or what was written and said but to that specific person I’ve offended I can offer a heartfelt: I’m sorry. I’m not asking for or expecting a response, but the apology is due you.

For everyone else, girls and guys alike: do you find it hard to own your mistakes, particularly when you’ve offended or hurt and do you find it hard to apologize?

[PrettyPriya]

Yes, I absolutely apologize or say that I am sorry if I have clearly wronged someone. I think we have all done that in real life. I don't believe that it is unnecessary or shows any sort of weakness, regardless of gender.

From the little things to major things, if I feel that I was in the wrong, I will apologize and seek forgiveness. That is just part of my personality though. I don't like others to be upset with me. I often carry the weight for other people when they are down.

So, for me to have someone upset at me and not try to right the situation, goes against everything that I am as a person. Sure, sometimes someone thinks I should apologize, and I don't feel that I am in the wrong and therefore won't.

I don't like that you have heard "real men don't". That is just nonsense. That to me is guys trying to be tough and not show any emotion or remorse. That is just plain crazy.

I'm sorry are simple but powerful words. It is a gesture of good faith to someone that you know you were wrong or acted in a way that hurt them. It is the very minimum that one can do is to say I'm sorry. I always have hoped that I will be forgiven. I make an effort to make sure that person knows that I am genuine when I say it.

[SnowedIn]

Beautifully articulated; thank you very much!

[PrettyPriya]

You are most welcome! Happy to opine anytime.

[Shaysturn]

This is pretty much my exact response to this question.
I also absolutely apologize because my personality doesn’t like for people to be upset with me, but with that being said I don’t do it because I feel obligated or to just hurry and get over what happened. In other words, it wouldn’t ever be an empty apology. Now If I don’t feel I’m wrong, I won’t. But if I am or could be, I’d like the person to know I didn’t just blow right by their feelings. If I hurt you or offended you, I want you to know I would never intentionally do that. I can’t stand an elephant in the room. It must be addressed.
I also don’t think weakness or gender has anything do with it…like you said in your post @SnowedIn, it’s just the right thing to do.
I believe it speaks on you as a person to want to right a wrong. It’s amazing how many people just don’t care. Those people try and make you feel “soft” and that’s not it at all. It’s an act of kindness and it very much has the power to save a relationship. More often than not, that’s all people want. An acknowledgment. To have their feelings validated.
So, good job! Your post was very well written and I hope you at least have some peace knowing you have done your part.

[PrettyPriya]

@Shaysturn Thank you for the thoughtful reply!

@snowedin Thank you for the MHO! 🙂

[AmandaYVR]

Well done, your first question being one of such substance. I salute you.

And it was a damn good apology too. I hope the person referenced feels better, and reaches out.

Those men who have said apologizing is weakness are the weak ones.

I just re-read a mytake I wrote about this topic. I still stand by it. Acts like this can save relationships. And I am of the belief that forming and maintaining connections is the stuff of life, and should not be minimized nor overlooked in importance or significance.

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[SnowedIn]

Grateful for the kind words.

[Guy13]

Yes, when I err I request forgiveness

[William7489]

Of course, however I’ve often found that it’s a very empty word. Especially if it’s not combined with genuine remorse. Meaning that you have a heartfelt feeling of discomfort, hurt and shame about the things you have done and a strong desire to make it right. Just saying “sorry“ when you have done something awful that’s really hurt a person, misled them, manipulated them, abandoned them, etc. means NOTHING. It’s a hollow and cheap Cowardly way to make yourself feel better. Unless you’re really willing to make amends to the person you’ve hurt, sorry doesn’t mean anything. I usually say “I’m sorry and I regret what I did and the effect it had on you. What can I do to make it right?“ You get a better reception that way.

[SnowedIn]

Great point and well said. Thank you!

[William7489]

Some thing I had to learn myself actually. Been guilty of it myself when I was younger. It’s a very important lesson.

[nolabels]

It's very big of you to do so.

I try to apologize as soon as I'm aware of my wrongs.

It's not easy, but it's always best to do so.

Many times, it doesn't produce the result that I desire, but I know that I've done what I can to remedy the situation.

There's nothing more you can or need to do.

The rest is up to the aggrieved. How they react is solely up to them.

[SnowedIn]

Awesome insight. Thank you @nolabels.

[nolabels]

Best wishes to you!

[Jdjfjcjj]

Saying sorry is completely pointless and doesn't carry any meaningful weight.

Instead you can do one of the following or my in multiple

-take responsibility without using the word 'but'.

-indicate how you would feel if you were in her shoes

-indicate how you plan to improve / not do again

-ask for forgiveness

Etc

[SnowedIn]

Great thoughts; thank you.

[dustybiker]

People who say it’s a weakness use it as a cover as they don’t have the strength to do it themselves. It takes a lot of strength to admit a wrong.

Good man. I hope that makes you feel better. And whoever was involved.

[SnowedIn]

Thank you; appreciate the kind words.

[dustybiker]

You’re welcome. 😎

[tfan1]

No. I was raised that if you do something wrong to someone - first and foremost you apologize to them. Then find out if there is a way to make up for whatever you did wrong.

[SnowedIn]

Great thoughts and thank you!

[tfan1]

👍🙂. You’re welcome

[FilmGuy93]

I try to. Frequently, the person won't accept my apology. But I can generally feel okay knowing that I at least tried.

[SnowedIn]

Well said and thank you!

[spartan55]

You owned it, which gets respect from most people. It also sets you apart from most people.

[SnowedIn]

Thank you; appreciate the kind words.

[berwise13]

I try to always apologize even if it I'm sorry I didn't intend to hurt your feelings

[AsaKyo]

Only if it's necessary, I guess

[SnowedIn]

Thank you for this. Great nuance there.

[Anonymous]

Depends on the circumstances