I feel unwanted in my relationship?

Question

My boyfriend has been sexually and emotionally distant lately and it’s making me feel insecure. He stopped complimenting me out of nowwhere and doesn’t want to have sex anymore. No matter how hard I try, how good I look, he doesn’t seem to notice or care. I’ve been feeling so unwanted that I’m not sure what to do. I’m scared of bringing it up.

NamerOfStars · Accepted Answer

Well, that's not good. Is he undergoing any major life changes lately that could be contributing? How long has this been going on? If it's a relatively recent thing, it could simply be him reacting to something- even something you don't know about- that's holding a lot of his attention and concern.

It's also possible that he's just slacking off, because you've been together long enough that he's relaxing from the efforts that he put in to catch you, and not understanding that he needs to put in effort to keep you, as well. Thing is, he might not realize that doing those things is important to you: it might be laziness or simple ignorance, or inability due to distraction. Luckily, I think your best next step is the same in all three cases: think about what it would take for you to feel appreciated- yes, it's obvious to you, but clearly it's not to him; this may be a failing on his part, but it's not an intentional one, and wouldn't you want him to try and fix things if the roles were reversed?- and come up with two or three things you'd like for him to do more often.

These things should be simple but clear; you want to be easy enough to be understood, but not so much that he'd feel like you're giving him an elaborate list of "must-follow" instructions; "show me you love me" is too vague, and "buy me a dozen white roses with the thorns cut off, arranged in a green vase shaped like a swan" is too specific and would feel like an errand, rather than an expression of his feelings for you. This can be tricky, but having a good idea of what, specifically, you want- men often find women just as confusing as women find us- will let him satisfy your desires in a way that still feels like it's coming from HIM, rather than from a list you created (it might not seem to you like there would be a difference there- trust me, you'd feel it).

Once you've got some ideas, you should have a conversation with him (in person, if you can swing it; that's usually the best way to talk out difficulties). A good way to do it would be to have it follow something that makes him feel appreciated; this will of course vary guy to guy, but a safe bet is something like "after sharing one of his favorite foods as a meal together", whether cooked or purchased. Then ask if anything's been on his mind lately, giving him a chance to explain. If he says no, or asks why, tell him you're concerned, since he doesn't [activity that you want him to do more of] or [or activity on your list] like he used to. This is the tricky part, since you want to convey that it's important to you, but you don't want to put him on the defensive- I know this may sound like I'm telling you to walk on eggshells, but it's more "a relationship isn't something you HAVE together; it's something you MAKE together", and you want to work with him to bring things back to a more satisfying position, not make him feel bad because you don't like the way things are going.

That's one of the advantages of giving specific details on what you want: it tells him what you'd like him to do, and feels more like a suggestion for improvement than a rebuke.

Guy13 · Accepted Answer

That's difficult. Does he talk about his day?

Wise4myage · Answer

I’d wonder if he was cheating on you. But yeah, it’s time to end your relationship.

Brando10222 · Answer

It's a sign to end the relationship

I feel unwanted in my relationship?

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