Are our goals too different?

[Anonymous]

My partner is 8 years younger than me but at 26 I still thought he was quite mature when we met. Now I’m wondering if that was a bit of an act to get me to go out with him.

We are into our third year and got engaged after a year together which was quite quick but we haven’t looked at booking a wedding at all. He said he wanted to get a house first so we started saving for that.

My job has potential for me to make a lot more money than him with a bonus so I have been working my ass off because I want a house for us so badly (something I never wanted before really I was always happy renting) and we’ve just found a new rental for 12 months and he decides (even though he still has £3k debt) that he’s going to buy a £20k motorbike!

I asked if this was something he was doing because his brother had been bragging to him about having this that and the other which all his family do and it’s a load of lies. He can’t see it even when I tell him because he doesn’t want to. His brother actually owes him money and he won’t ask him for it back because he has kids but he has asked me for money before and we’ve had a huge fight over that.

I just feel like our future and saving has stopped being a priority. Having chest pains in work this week over the stress (I’m a lawyer and my job isn’t easy) has made me reevaluate. My partner says his bike won’t cost much each month and he can still save but it’s the fact he seems to be relying on me to get the money and more pressure on me while he does what he wants.

I’m thinking of just buying my own place and maybe renting it out but then I’m still renting and it’s wasted money…

I really don’t know what to do. I know he wants me but then he’s only happy with a bunch of materialistic things too and I don’t think it should be that way.

as a side note, his family are terrible with money and his dad has a spending problem that’s left them £50k in debt.

[virtue2332]

This is a lot to digest. You mention his family a lot and it appears that you don't hold them in high regard. I don't necessarily think your goals are different. He probably does want all the things he says he want and he probably wants them with you. You mentioned that his family is bad with money and if this is true you may have the same goals but he may not fully understand or have the tools to get there. It doesn't make him bad nor should you look down upon him for not having these tools. Just because you are more intelligent or have a better background and took the time to learn about these things are going to seem like you are doing an uneven amount of effort or taking on the majority of the responsibilty with this tasks because you are. There will be many tasks or goals that you want to accomplish he may be better sutied at those and the pendulum swings the other way. Lets not judge people when they make errors and look more closely at if they are capable of realizing how this affects your goal and how it makes you feel. It has taken me while to understand that there are times when I'm the expert on and take the lea in my mariage and I've been humbled when I thought i was the expert only to realize they would be better equipped and it was time to take the back seat. I understand the frustration and stress that comes with careers that pay well. Happiness is important as is understanding you can't do everything. You may have to power through or dlagate responsibilites to lighten the load or you will eventually be humbled. You are smart you will find a way just as you did with the hurdles you had to jump getting your education. Try to separate work and personal frustration which can be difficult but will help.

[Asker]

His family are truly awful. They almost ruined our relationship at one point and through my work I stumbled across a file on his dad (talk about chance!) which actually proved to me what they are like. They have impacted us more than I can say. But I do love my partner. You’re absolutely right I just feel like I’m shouldering the burden of everything a lot of the time and when it comes to him doing his bit it’s like a huge deal. That’s not all of the time though which is why I have stuck with him. I do want to be with him together I just don’t know how to get past this

[virtue2332]

really the only way forward is to communicate with him in a way that builds him up we are kind of easy that way but more delicate when it comes to ego. You people in his family are probably giving him shit about you being the bread winner. From what it sounds his family doesn't want him to win so they can dump on him with I told you so. Ill be the first to admit when my wife gasses me up I feel like being responsible and taking on more responsibilities and If im being shit on for every little mistake I become gun shy and a little insecure about my worth. You can try and if it doesn't end up working out you can at least hold your head high and know you tried.

[virtue2332]

Also dont take advice from friends or family that don't have the kind of relationship you desire. Its always the Auntie for Bestie going on marriage number 5 that has the most advice

[abc3643]

Oh, young lady, I soooo feel for you here.
You are 34ish and starting over relationship-wise can be tough, but I just see this as fiscal immaturity.
Sadly, I understand this all too well. My wife is 65 and we can never retire because she just cannot save despite having a good income.
I DON'T want you to end up like me.
So, consider cooling things with him and buy a home on your own. If he wants to live with you, have him pay rent which you can use to help pay off the mortgage.
Basically, he needs to grow up and you don't have much time for that. So, if you two are going to remain a couple, you are going to have to take action unilaterally and recognize that he needs to catch-up. ... and he needs to be aware that this is the real world and that saving is critical to survival. The time for toys is over.

[Asker]

Omg I just do not know what to do. I’m 34 and I don’t have time to waste on this!! It’s fine for him because he’s got years but I haven’t. I don’t n is what to do. We live together and just signed up to a new place so I suppose just see how it goes for a year? Save my own money. My friend has been in the same position albeit her now husband bought the bike and contributed nothing towards the house and his name is still on it but I feel he’s a big fat user and he goes the toilet in front of her and everything

[Guy13]

Yeah, this relationship sounds like it reached its pinnacle awhile ago and is destined to implode soon. Take care and protect yourself.

[loveslongnails]

My gut response to you is --------- cut your losses now before you get sucked in any deeper. You don't really see a future with this guy, do you?

[Asker]

I guess I used to buy now I don’t because of his poor choices and immaturity

[loveslongnails]

So cut bait and save yourself the agony.

[Asker]

It’s already agony

[loveslongnails]

Then get OUT of it and free yourself, girl.

[Asker]

It’ll just be worse. I love him and he’s not a bad guy if you get me. Plus I’m old and I’ll never meet anyone else now 😢

[loveslongnails]

? I thought you posted because "you don't know what to do", but it seems that your mind is made up to stay with him. So what you REALLY want to know is " what can I do GIVEN that I want to stay, and feel I HAVE to stay, because no one else would have me". Is that accurate?

[Asker]

No I was all for breaking up when I posted this… then we had a conversation so I swing back and then something else will happen and we’ll probably end up having another conversation but I do realise the definition of madness is doing the same thing it’s just really really hard

[loveslongnails]

You're 34 years old. What's going to be "harder" ... breaking it off now, or doing the same thing for another 5 years?

[NachtjaegerSS]

You will quickly grow to disrespect your man. As he is younger and making less money, this triggers women to sabotage their relationship. Mark my words.