Should I be concerned?

[Anonymous]

Hey folks…

recently I’ve been through the mill a little with job insecurity and a bit of workplace bullying.

I’ve been in a relationship for a few months with a great guy, he’s younger than me by 10 years and a quiet type. He’s had 2 relationships before (one straight out of uni and one 3 month one a year or so ago) and so isn’t used to a grown up relationship.

since my dad passed away I spend my weekends with my mum as she’s lonely. He often comes here no questions asked (75 miles from us) on weekends but this weekend he has plans (no biggie). I walked into the office this morning and found an awful note on my desk and it hurt. I wanted to go straight to his and hide from the world until he came home so I hinted I didn’t want to go to my mums because I just wanted a hug from him. We haven’t had a night off properly this week and he pointed that out.

sometimes it feels he’s not there for me when I need him. We spend loads of time together and I’m grateful but sometimes I just need him and then he wants a night off and it hurts. Am I wrong to be concerned? It’s happened twice this month that I needed him but work is stressful and now I feel like I have to negotiate a hug…

[boggboss]

Wait I'm ao confused so u got upset from work and wanted a hug but he had plans already?

[Asker]

I quote:
I was really planning on some me time tonight.. I’ve got stuff I want to do which I won’t have time for any time soon otherwise xx

[boggboss]

How much me time does he get?

[Asker]

We discussed the fact that sometimes I like to just be around him and he can do what he wants when he wants to by the way

[boggboss]

But u said u spend a lot of time together so does he really have the ability to do what he wants

[Asker]

To be fair this week he hasn’t had a lot… usually we have a few nights off. He didn’t get Sunday due to the fact we hadn’t eaten before I was due to leave and he go for a run so he asked me to stay over. Then Tuesday I expected to work late and I popped by to just give him a kiss (we live not far apart but my housemate and I have issues at the mo so I try to stay clear) and I stayed for like an hour as he wanted to finish “You” and we were halfway through the last episode. After that I got up and left (about 7pm)

[Asker]

But I’m not seeing him til Sunday now so he’s got a few days free from me!!

[Asker]

I am at the age where I have no problem him doing what he wants and being there simply to fall asleep with when he gets back from doing anything he wants to do… right now things are tough. He works away a LOT so I like to get my time in… it’s not a clingy thing it’s just a comfort thing… redundancies at work are doubly hard as I’m at risk and my team so I’m exhausted staying strong for them and then worrying about me at home. He’s a distraction and it helps. Today the bullying got a bit tough when I note was left on my desk. I just really needed a hug!

[boggboss]

Do u not have friends u can also turn too?

[Asker]

Usually yes but one is going through a divorce, one is in Iceland, one’s son is in hospital and the others sister died last week so I’m doing all the supporting right now and a bit of a trivial time for me in comparison x

[Asker]

Just to add every night we are together we have fun and laugh hard without any real drama so it sucks when the nights I need him are the ones I’m not seeing him. It’s been a rubbish coincidence

[boggboss]

See thats what I mean as it's overall shitty but this more so seems to be a issue of coincidence over him not caring for you relationships are give and take and time for ourselfs is needed yes everyone has different wants for it but aslong as this is not somthing that always happens I wouldn't say this is a problem or a red flag

[Asker]

I think it’s just ringing alarm bells because when my dad died I called my ex and it took him 5 days to drive the 60 miles from me to hug me… he became an ex because of this and so it’s amplified. Ultimately his needs are as important so I don’t want to take the time I want him to want to take the time of that makes sense?

[boggboss]

I answered in your dm