I set a boundary with a girl, but I’m afraid I might lose her. Should I loosen up in hopes we’ll get together at some point?

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who is asking for more from me. She wants to be able to come over to my house and stay the night whenever, take trips together, etc. I want to do all these things, but in a committed relationship with her.

Most recently, she asked me to take a trip with her to Italy next year. I said, “Sure, but you’ve got to be my girlfriend in order to do that.” She said “Haha so forward.” I replied, “That’s not a no. 💀” Then she said, “I’m loving the positivity. But I just want to be single and travel right now.”

Normally, when I get rejected, I don’t hear things like “I’m loving the positivity”. Could she want something in the future? Am I in the right to set this boundary of not doing certain things until I’m in a relationship or should I just let things be and hope we get there? I don’t want her to end up using me.

[Oliverlogan263]

Setting that boundary was the right move. Here are the reasons why:

1. You deserve clarity. You don't want to be strung along indefinitely without knowing where you stand. Setting that boundary forces her to be more transparent about her intentions.

2. Mixed signals are confusing and unhealthy. Her wishy-washy responses of "loving the positivity" but still wanting to remain single suggest she may want the benefits of more without the commitment. That's unfair to you.

3. You value yourself. You know what you want and aren't willing to settle for less just to keep this person in your life. That self-respect is important.

4. You won't truly be "losing" her. If she can only see a future that doesn't include being in a relationship with you, then she's not really the one for you. Better to find that out sooner than later.

5. Loosening that boundary would send the wrong message. It would make it seem like you don't really value yourself or know what you want. That's not an attractive quality in a partner.

6. Staying firm shows strength of character. Someone who sees your value will respect that and be willing to commit properly to be with you.

7. You have to live with your own boundaries. Compromising them to manipulate someone into a relationship usually backfires. Integrity always wins out.

In summary, stay true to yourself and what you want from a relationship. If this person is meant to be in your life, she'll respect your boundaries and decide she wants you as a partner, not a convenience. For now, avoid expecting or hoping for anything - keep your power by staying grounded in yourself. I wish you the very best going forward.

[Asker]

Thanks for this. I’ve definitely been stressing myself out over the mixed signals. If it’s confusing, it’s not meant for me. I’m not going to block her or do anything like that, but I will stop initiating contact with her.

[Oliverlogan263]

You're welcome! And I think that's a wise approach - not blocking her or being rude, but simply scaling back your own contact and effort. That allows some space for clarity while setting a healthier boundary for yourself. Here are a few specific things I recommend:

• Don't initiate plans or contact first. If she wants to spend time with you, she can reach out on her own. This removes you placing hope into her responses and waiting for crumbs of attention.

• Be direct but polite if she does reach out. Something like "I enjoy your company as a friend, but I'm looking for more clarity from you regarding a committed relationship before we continue spending time one-on-one." This reinforces your initial boundary in a respectful tone.

• Don't overanalyze mixed signals. Take her words at face value - that she wants to be single and travel right now. Any vagueness or positivity is just her being pleasant, not indicating deeper interest. Stay grounded in the facts, not possibilities.

• Don't wait around idly for her to change her mind. Focus your energy on your own goals, hobbies and self-growth. The more fulfilled you are on your own, the less you'll seek external validation.

• Be willing to walk away if needed. Continuing a friendship may be possible someday, but only if you can truly do so with no romantic expectations. For now, some distance could be healthy.

The most important thing is prioritizing your own clarity, peace of mind and self-respect. Scaling back contact allows you space to regain that while maintaining your dignity. I'm glad this advice has been helpful - you've got this! Let me know if you have any other questions.

[Asker]

Definitely helpful! I muted her story on Instagram, just so I don’t have the temptation to DM her and hope for a response.

After work today, I could’ve spent time worrying about her or trying to find a date, but instead I tried a new food truck, hit up the golf range, and got some shaved ice afterwards. It felt really good just to focus on me and treat myself. I’m going to keep doing that.

I’ve noticed that things tend to go further when I’m minding my own business and women reach out to me first. If not her, then someone else will come around. I’m sure of it.

[Oliverlogan263]

I'm so glad to hear that focusing on yourself and prioritizing self-care has been helpful! Those are all great steps:

• Muting her on social media reduces temptation and allows you to move on at your own pace.

• Trying new things, engaging in hobbies and treating yourself is a perfect way to boost your mood and build self-confidence. You deserve that!

• Realizing that when you're busy living your best life, the right people tend to enter it on their own accord is a wise insight.

• Maintaining that optimistic yet patient mindset - knowing someone else will come around if it's not her - is exactly the right attitude to have. You increase your odds of meeting someone compatible when you're happy and living your life fully.

So it sounds like you're taking all the right steps: setting clear boundaries, limiting contact, prioritizing self-care and keeping an open yet grounded mind. I'm proud of you for implementing these strategies and for the healthy perspective you've developed. Keep up the positive momentum - you're doing great! And feel free to reach out anytime if you have other questions or want to discuss your progress. I'll be happy to support however I can.

You've got this - you know what you're worth and you're treating yourself accordingly. That confidence and self-love will shine through to attract the right people into your life at the right time. Wishing you all the best moving forward!

[Asker]

I appreciate you. Thanks for the support!

[Oliverlogan263]

You’re welcome man

[crystaaal]

She enjoys your company maybe she does feel you are attractive to a certain extent as well. But she does not find you attractive enough to in a relationship with you. She may have a certain standard or type of guy she want to date and you are not in that category for her. It is best to let her go. You can continue as friends to enjoy her company but you will never be able to date her like that. She is not open to the idea of seeing you in a different light, the way she treats you and how she said “i just want to be single and travel right now” is showing you are not dating material for her, if she felt anything different, or even a possibility she would address your feelings as well not just state hers.

[kylee2437]

The better boundary here would be to cut her loose because you want something she doesn’t and you are going to sit here and keep waiting for something that isn’t going to happen. If you were truly her friend even, traveling with her wouldn’t be a decision she can unlock only if she is your girlfriend. That’s you not even wanting to be friends with her at that point

[Anonymous]

You have the right to set any boundaries you want. Either way she’ll never want a relationship with you. She’s not attracted to or interested in you that way and never will be.

[WhitneySnow]

You’re doing the right thing