Why a fearful avoidant would blame the dumpee for breaking up?

[Anonymous]

A fearful avoidant rejected a person because didn't want to commit and enter a relationship. In result the dumpee, out of respect for the decision and their dignity, went no contact. The dumper now is playing the victim card and says the other person decided to walk away. After all the dumper could also reach out if no contact bothered them, right? The dumper is a fearful avoidant. How to cope with such a blaming game?

[Anonymous]

Never lose hope. We can all heal.

[Oliverlogan263]

There are a few possible reasons a fearful avoidant may blame the dumpee for a breakup:

1. Fear of abandonment - Fearful avoidants often have an inherent fear that people will leave them. So by blaming the dumpee for "walking away", it shifts the narrative and allows the avoidant to cling to the idea that they weren't truly abandoned or rejected. It's a way to maintain some semblance of control.

2. Avoiding responsibility - Taking responsibility for ending a relationship is difficult for a fearful avoidant. So placing the blame on the dumpee allows the avoidant to avoid that uncomfortable responsibility. It's a form of defensiveness.

3. Difficulty with intimacy - Fearful avoidants often have trouble with emotional intimacy and commitment. By blaming the dumpee, it prevents the avoidant from having to be vulnerable and acknowledge their own role in the breakdown of the relationship.

4. Anxious attachment - Despite their avoidant tendencies, fearful avoidants often have an underlying anxious attachment style. So the dumpee "walking away" may trigger feelings of abandonment anxiety, which then manifest as anger and blame.

The best way to cope is to try not to take it personally. Remember that the blame game is likely coming from the avoidant's own fears, difficulties with intimacy and inability to take responsibility. It says more about them than you.

Practice letting go and accepting that you may never get a more honest, self-reflective perspective from the avoidant. Focus on healing yourself and moving forward. The avoidant's perspectives are ultimately not helpful or worth engaging with.

Hope this helps! Let me know if you have any other questions.

[Asker]

Thank you so much for the detailed answer! As far as I know the avoidant is working on their shortcomings, used to go to a couples therapy (but with a different partner). Not sure about the results though ;) In any case the person is aware it has wounds to heal.

I have another question related to that. Is there a way the dumpee can understand if the dumper (fearful avoidant) rejected the person on the basis that the dumper didn''t want to be in a relationship in general, or it was just the dumper didn't want to be in a relationship with THAT person?
The reason for knowing this, is that it changes the whole situation. If it was a fear of committment it's one thing - this requires some work but can hopefully be overcome. But if the dumper was just not into dumpee then it's a very clear signal to let it go, walk away and never look back. How to know for sure, how to ask the dumper to give an honest answer?

[Oliverlogan263]

There's no definitive way to know for sure why a fearful avoidant rejected you. But here are some things to consider:

• If their reasons for rejecting you were vague or broad, like "I'm not ready for a relationship" or "I need space," that suggests a more general fear of commitment, not something specific to you.

• If they struggled to articulate specific things they didn't like about you or the relationship, that also points to a more avoidant mindset, not actual issues with you as a person.

• Their behavior after the rejection can also provide clues. If they remain distant and avoidant, that suggests a broader reluctance to be vulnerable in relationships. Whereas if they were able to open up more honestly about not feeling a connection with you, that would point more to an incompatibility between you specifically.

• Focus more on their actions than their words. What a fearful avoidant says they want may contradict what they actually do. Their avoidant behaviors tend to speak louder than their explanations.

• Ultimately, you may never know for sure. Fearful avoidants often don't fully understand their own reasons for avoidance. So any explanations they give you should be taken with a grain of salt.

The key is to try not to take it personally, even if it's hard. Focus on moving forward in a way that feels right for you. If being with this person wouldn't have brought you peace and fulfillment, it's for the best the relationship never went further. Someone who couldn't love you fully wasn't the right match for you.

Try to let go of any need for closure or a "right" answer from them. Focus on healing and moving on in a way that brings you peace, regardless of their reasons for rejecting you. You deserve to be with someone capable and willing to meet you with openness and trust.

Hope this perspective provides some clarity and reassurance! Let me know if you have any other questions.

[Asker]

Thank you so much for your insightful answer @oliverlogan263!
Relationships are hard, and when you deal with FA they become super hard. But I have a positive outlook in life, I belive if the person is not rotten to the core (and FA I think are not players per se or manipulative types because they choose to, but it's a coping mechanism to deal with difficult emotions) they can actually change for better and become a good partner.

[Oliverlogan263]

You’re welcome and You have a very wise and compassionate perspective. I think you're right that fearful avoidants are not inherently "bad" people - their struggles and issues stem more from painful experiences and coping mechanisms, rather than any deliberate desire to hurt others. With self-reflection, therapy and commitment to growth, fearful avoidants do have the potential to develop more secure attachment styles over time.

But I would also caution that this growth and change can be a long, difficult journey - it often requires facing deep wounds and fears that have been buried for years. And as you experienced, being in a relationship with a fearful avoidant can be painful and frustrating due to their avoidance, blame-shifting, lack of clarity, etc.

So while I do think there's hope for positive change within fearful avoidants, I would not recommend waiting around for or counting on that change from the specific person who recently rejected you. Focus your energy on healing yourself from this experience, and moving forward with an open heart for your next relationship.

If this person does truly do the internal work and changes for the better in the future, that's wonderful. But for now, the healthiest path for you is to move on with no contact and look for a more secure partner. If circumstances change years from now and you reconnect on healthier terms, so be it. But I wouldn't recommend putting your life or dating life on hold in hopes this specific avoidant will one day be ready for a relationship with you.

You have a wonderful perspective - stay optimistic but also protective of your own heart. Wish you the very best moving forward in pursuing healthy, fulfilling relationships! Please let me know if you have any other questions.

[Asker]

Once again, thank you so much @oliverlogan263 for your insightful answers. You're really knowledgeable and your comments are spot on! :)

[Oliverlogan263]

You’re so welcome , take care

[virtualwasp]

im so sorry i tried to keep up but its so confusing. someone avoid someone else then who dumped who?

[Asker]

Please read again, maybe this will help you understand the situation

[jahaims]

Stop getting psychology lessons from tik tok