I have been involved in a year long relationship with a girl that is extremely attractive and I suppose it is fair to say that I fell completely in love with her. it began one way - with much adoration from her, such support and, to be fair, she helped me through a very difficult time in my life. but as our relationship developed she turned into such an abusive person and my entire life has changed. now all the things that made me fall in love with her - her depth of soul and the love and concern she had for me have disappeared. our relationship turned into only some very strong physical attraction, sex and sex and more sex. I wanted so bad to help her, to see the simple and sincere girl that I believed her to be grow, but... I can barely even express any concerns - I am always shut down and told that I am wrong. I feel constantly lectured. I have done so much for her and she tells me that I do nothing. she must command me in how I do anything (even my work). I feel like I don't exist... I have to wash my hands constantly, take showers constantly, its always her standing behind me saying "more soap." she tells me that I am a narcissist, an abuser... that I have to go to thearpy... she explodes at the slightest thing... I am always nervous that I will say something wrong, move in some wrong direction, forget to do something she asks... we still laugh and have fun most of the time, but things can go sideways out of the blue. I have a hard time trusting her - she has lots of guy friends that want her, she is overtly flirtatious in public... she puts me down in front of my friends... we have such a strong sexual bond that both of us are something like addicted to each other. I break up with her all the time, but she always begs me back... she is an expert in making promises and rebuilding my trust - over and over and over again. I need to end this I know, but I am so easily drawn back to hope... someone please encourage me on what to do and how to do it.
How to end a year relationship when you know you must?
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Recognize that hope is your worst enemy in this situation and it’s time to start accepting the reality. Remind yourself that who you love and who she is, are two different people. You love who she was, and what you two used to be. That girl who supported you through hard situations, shared many beautiful moments with, and probably learned a lot from, you loved her. However, she’s not that girl anymore, and stopped being her a long time ago. Separate the fantasy of what you want, from the reality of what you’re receiving, and get serious about what you know is a very toxic trauma bond.
It is going to be a very painful adjustment, but once you commit to cutting ties, rather than having to restart the grieving over and over because you keep going back, it will eventually weigh less on your heart. Cut communication, first and foremost. You will hesitate greatly of the finalization of doing this, but hit that block button too. Encourage your friends not to speak about you with her, they don’t need any middle-man involvement in this mess. If you two frequent the same places, then find somewhere else to go, just so you don’t have to run into her and avoid her manipulative tactics.
Focus on your life and your own personal development. Whether that’s working out, journaling, hanging out with friends, whatever outlet will help you get through this. In your weak moments, rather than reminiscing to the point of caving and going back, keep your reasons for breaking up in perspective. She’s abusive, narcissistic, demanding, gaslighting, and incapable of loving you properly. These are all facts you know without a doubt, and hopefully can be great motivators when you want to reach out or accept her back.
Lastly, it’s ok to grieve the loss of something and someone you wanted very much. Just remember to pick yourself up when you’re finished and keep moving forward, making progress to heal. Accept that it’s over, it needs to be, and it’s time to move on.
Thank you!! As silly as it may be, I need to hear this stuff… she is gorgeous and I have been looking though so many bad relationships… I lost my wife to schizophrenia and have been looking for a friend to spend my days with… Sveta was such a friend in the beginning and I became so attached. She changed drastically… sadly… beyond my ability to comprehend… it’s hard to let go, she helped me through so much.
Goodness, I’m so sorry to hear about your wife. You’ve been going through a lot, first with that now you’ve got this woman being so harmful. If anything I think that’s more incentive to leave, because you don’t want these situations to break you down to where it’s nearly impossible to recover. You seem like a good guy with respectable intentions, the right woman would appreciate who you are. Sveta has taken advantage of your kindness and forgiving nature. She is bringing you endless trauma, it’s beyond time to leave. You will be so much better off. Also, no worries at all! I’ve been through similar and it’s so hard to break that hold they have on you.
Thank you!!