Have you ever had a fearful avoidant partner and if so, how did you deal with them?

[_SillyShoes_]

And did it work out in the end?

[provokeesmokee]

Yes. I dumped each of them, either directly because of their behaviours due to fearful avoidant beliefs or indirectly because their attitude led them to do stupid shit.

First exbf: fearful avoidant, couldn't be honest about his emotions or needs or wants. Also because he was afraid and avoidant, instead of having the courage to break up, he cheated (and let me find out, then got upset when I dumped him).

Second exbf: fearful avoidant, LDR, lied about everything. From not having a job, to being active, to not fearing heights (and only telling me the truth after I had to climb up after him and coach him back down from 30' up), to letting his immigration to Canada application lapse. He got stopped at the border, nearly slapped with a year of denied entry to Canada, and I dumped him before I left him at his mother's house. Because he'd let his apartment go and quit his job, due to his fear and avoidance of actually putting in effort and work.

Exgf: while she was the one who initially approached me, she was so fucking fearful and avoidant that she literally avoided being near me. She told me constantly she liked me, but she literally ran from me if I went to talk to or cuddle her. I had more emotional connection with her friends than with her, due to how avoidant she was.

Now, I'm getting better at identiying these kinds of people and I'm learning not to date them.

I think I hate them because my enabler father is a fearful avoidant and I suffered my mother's abuse and his neglect for decades because of it.

[_SillyShoes_]

That's messed up. For me the first two sound more like they might also have some personality disorders, not just an insecure attachment... But I could be wrong. I'm definitely not an expert there.

[provokeesmokee]

They both had unmanaged clinical depression.

Neither sought help, the first didn't have meds, and the second fucking tried going off meds once he got a girlfriend like him being single was why he was depressed (it wasn't).

I don't date people who don't manage their mental health anymore. I don't even make friends with folks who deny their mental health.

[DermalPunch]

I don't. Don't dump your crap on people. Shape up or ship out.

I have trauma but it is my RESPONSIBILITY as an ADULT not to abuse people who are willing to be vulnerable and share themselves with me.

[DermalPunch]

While these categorizations are helpful, people are now using them as crutches for treating people crappily.

[_SillyShoes_]

I am not sure where this came from. But must have been a personal experience?
I don't see people like this as treating others badly, but maybe it depends on the severity.

[DermalPunch]

People with these things will do the following
- push their partner away to get them to chase them to prove their love
- use jealousy to manipulate them
- reject a comittment but string them along
- be hot one day then get fearful and go cold

This is abusive and very typical behaviour for people who say they have these attachment styles.

Instead of dousing their fears or small issues in bite sized pieces and working through it, they do indirect crap like this.

It is abuse.

[DermalPunch]

* addressing

[_SillyShoes_]

Well thank you for that insight - that is horrifying!

[_SillyShoes_]

Are you sure this is fearful avoidant or maybe just dismissive? Or maybe anxious-avoidant?
Not sure, as I'm not an expert.

[DermalPunch]

It doesn't matter which one it is.

[_SillyShoes_]

I guess you're right.

[jennifer_bloom]

I believe the last guy I dated can change but it might take years for that to happen. I was also anxious and insecure in my younger years and I normalized my behaviour through religious activity. I simply was not ready for any aspect of marriage in my youth, such as enduring the pain of child birth, being patient with a young child, giving up my comforts to be a mom, being loyal to a guy that gets uglier every year, earning money to support the family if the husband leaves or gets sick or dies, taking care of somebody who might smell bad due to illness, etc… I don’t regret not getting married, my biggest regret in previous times was that the high value men were usually off the market and could not be entertained anymore as bachelors in my life.

[DizzyDesii]

Im a mix of secure and dismissive avoidant so yea I can’t handle a fearful avoidant for long. I simply told them they need to go love themselves and maybe we can try again in the future. Im not the type to be feeding someone compliments on the daily to help them through their insecurities, so they just gotta go and get over that shit.

[_SillyShoes_]

I don't think you can be a mix of secure and any other insecure type...
It's an oxymoron.

But I get what you mean.

[DizzyDesii]

I am a walking contradiction. I am absolutely a mix. A very rare bird

[EricSummer]

I feel that something is wrong with this model of attachments. I do not like that most attachment types imply something is unhealthy or wrong excepting only one ideal type.

Anyway, to answer the question, I have never had a woman who corresponded to the model of fearful avoidant attachment.

[D_Bone_Steak]

Okay... I'm trolling and this is a joke... we good?

First I pick her up and use her head to remove the ceiling fan. Then I throw her down the stairs after I threw her into some of the furniture. If she doesn't go away... I drown her in the toilet. Still some poo and pee pee stains in there... not a good way to go. Please tell me I kept that family-friendly... I'm looking for approval.

[_SillyShoes_]

Thank you for confirming you're looking for approval. I appreciate solid communication. :D

[D_Bone_Steak]

🤣 I'm just glad you get it and don't take me seriously. I could write a whole book about abusing women though. Just saying. Give me that creative freedom and it is on.
https://youtu.be/eciZWNdkGqs

[_SillyShoes_]

Haha this video is age restricted.
Of course I don't take you seriously, I've seen some of your posts and I get it. :)

[Jltakk]

I have a fearful-avoidant attachment style myself, its easy to forget though that all 4 styles have equal faults. This would be the easiest for others to grasp as the "one to be dealt with" or the "faulty" one. With that said, years of lifes curveballs, finances and abusive parenting, sort of my outview on relations with others rather different from others. I avoid out of not wanting to hurt or drag others into my problems or mental issues.

[Anonymous]

if this person has that many issues, all that interfere with the relationship and their livelihood, they need to get some serious therapy... i don't know anyone who could handle that. that's a big emotional load to take on every day. and it's not even yours to fix. it's the other person who has all of these issues.

[balyai]

Everything works with love and patience.

by the way is that a penguin 🐧 behind you in your pfp?

[_SillyShoes_]

Yup. :)

[balyai]

Cool

[DreamLife7]

He just doesn't like you lol. I don't get why women keep making up stuff to protect your egos

[_SillyShoes_]

No worries, I get it.

[Anonymous]

im avoidant because of how abusive she is mentally and emotionally abusive

[Agape93]

Nope, I'd find them annoying