Loving your partner is accepting the parts you don't like about them?

[TenderFantasy]

True or false

True

False

Updates

+1 y

If you chose false, can you explain why? I think in cases of abuse yes, you shouldn't want to be with them but life isn't as simple as that.

[caring__1]

Though no one is perfect, and we can be tolerant of slight deviations from our ideal, the question is what you mean by don't like. If we're merely talking of something different from us, so we wouldn't choose it ourselves (not like, not dislike), that isn't necessarily a threat to a relationship. If, on the other hand, it isn't merely not our preference, but truly something we find repulsive or abhorrent, then the issue is questioning your reason for choosing this partner. People are not going to change for you, so when you see signs of anything you couldn't live with in a relationship, then pass on the opportunity to develop a relationship with that person.

Loving your partner is accepting their differences, not compromising your basic value system. Their having a different favorite flavor of ice cream isn't a threat to the relationship; their being a serial killer is a different story. Make sure you're clear as to whether the difference is something you don't like or something you dislike. I'm not drawn to permanent body art, but I won't deny myself the opportunity to have a great relationship with someone who has permanent body art. I can accept the fact the art already exists, though I'd probably reach out to find out how far the person wants to go with the body art. If that goes beyond my comfort zone, I'll pass on the opportunity rather than expect the other person to change for me.

[TenderFantasy]

[People are not going to change for you]

Why not? I'd change/improve for my spouse/partner, especially if I think it will be for my benefit, or the benefit of the relationship. I wouldn't force them to be a heavy metal fan for example, if that's not what they like, but yeah, I agree that would be one difference (big or small depending on how obsessed they are) in us, but I don't know if it's worth ending (or even not starting) a relationship with them. My ex did the former sadly, but not because of that. I think, if you truly love someone, you are willing to change in a way that doesn't HURT you, but improves your relationship with them. What do you think? Not talking about a clear or fundamental difference like someone said in another post such as someone wanting children and not wanting them, them wanting to live in Asia while you want to stay in America, things like that. But I guess what I am saying is, yeah, people need to assess how much they really like/love the person. Then go from there. Not to mention, commitment is also hard to come by these days. People leave too easily in my opinion. Who ever said relationships (and life) were always easy? !

[caring__1]

People who truly love their partner tend to do all in their power to show consideration for their partners needs and desires... within reason. Compromising ourselves to be accepted by someone who wouldn't normally be open to someone like us will just lead to loss of respect towards oneself and partner... in both directions.

The problem occurs when self-centered, entitled people feel they should be the puppet master and the other person the puppet. If we want to make subtle changes to add to the relationship, that is great. When others pressure you to change, or you believe the only way to hold onto dysfunctional relationships is to alter the person you are, that will never lead to a positive result.

This all depends on our personal limits. Hopefully, both will openly communicate what they seek from a partner and what that partner can expect of them (before investing in the relationship). If your chosen partner has limits that prevent you from living the life you choose to live, then this is not an ideal partner for you. Expecting that person to change will only lead to frustration and disappointment. Just respect each as you are. If your partner is polyamorous and you're monogamous, one of you will always feel like a fish out of water. If you personally are curious about polyamory and want to experiment before deciding if this is the right relationship for you, that is perfectly fine. The decision to stay or go will be yours. Just don't assume whatever makes sense to you should also make just as much sense to everyone else. Respect everyone's personal choices without being judgmental.

[TenderFantasy]

Wow do people make life too complicated a lot of times lol. Life is short, spread the love 😉 Accept, forgive, be kind.

[caring__1]

I agree with you, but there are too many self-focused and/or entitled people in this world today. You may want to trust a person, but then you discover they used bait and switch to get into your life... and now say "If you loved me, you'd accept me for who I am." Who would want to be in a relationship with someone who was there only because of a feeling of being stuck (after investing in someone they wouldn't have chosen)?

Without clear, open, honest communication from the start, all we are doing is rolling the dice and hoping for the best. Unfortunately, society promotes conformity to the ideal, which only creates people who feel insecure and flawed. It would be wonderful if we promoted uniqueness and individuality over conformity. Insecure people feel they'll never get a partner if they are honest from the start, so they just attempt to convince themselves they aren't deceiving the other.

Sometimes people are unrealistic when it comes to choosing a partner. Let's say an overweight person is only drawn to body builders and negatively judges body builders who show no interest, calling them shallow (yet won't date people who are short or aren't rich). It would be nice to accept that not everyone we're drawn to will be drawn to us, but settling just to be in a relationship will never lead to happiness.

You don't have to be head over heels in love with every aspect of your partner. I'm sure there will be enough things you are head over heels in love with, so the fact they graduated from your cross town rival won't need to limit the value of the relationship. Just never enter a relationship expecting the other to change for you. You are free to change yourself, but choose to change in areas that might enhance the relationship, rather than legitimize a bait and switch.

[TenderFantasy]

What do you mean by bait and switch by the way. I NEVER do that when I enter relationships. I always make sure to be my authentic self. Life's too short to be anyone else. By the way, no offense but I don't know if I would have chosen your answer as MHO, but I do appreciate your efforts to help me. And fine yeah, I admit, it WAS helpful and maybe I have a bias in only picking people who agree with me or know what I am talking about, but life's too short to have it the other way! Anyway, I do apologize, you're right, I get what you were trying to do. I just wish G@G didn't automatically chose, it's ridiculous!

[caring__1]

I agree with you about GAG jumping the gun on assigning MHO. They should give us at least 5 days, or 2 days after the last post, before assuming we're not going to choose a MHO. It is very hard to adjust the admin's thought process, and many times they don't even bother to respond. For instance, there is a post on this site where someone posted a very personal private video, with names and photos, without that person's permission. There is no option under Report to have this post taken down, so I contacted admin. I didn't get a response, and the post still remains.

Bait and switch is when people choose to do something they have no desire to continue after the relationship is established. For instance, many women choose to go to Brigham Young University for their Mrs degree, having no interest in education or a career. People may join a gym and get in shape to meet a higher quality partner, yet allow themselves to go to pot after the partner is hooked. My ex claimed she wanted to be a professional, yet all she really wanted was to be a dependent. There is often a big difference between what people are willing to do to get a relationship and what they are willing to do to keep and nurture that relationship. Bait and switch is all about deception, since people assume they won't get chosen unless they imply they are something they're not. Short term, we can be on our best behavior, though we can't hold it together indefinitely.

I'm glad to hear you always make sure to be your authentic self. Unfortunately, that is rare, so blindly believing what people tell you can lead to a lot of heartache.

[TenderFantasy]

Wow, maybe you DO deserve the MHO lol.

[I'm glad to hear you always make sure to be your authentic self. Unfortunately, that is rare, so blindly believing what people tell you can lead to a lot of heartache.] I wonder when that is going to stop. Realistically, time is finite. I wonder if this is still going to be going on when people are in their late 40's and older! Yep, I just HAD to learn the hard way but I don't care anymore really. At the end of it all, I have a clean conscience and in my death bed, I can live with that fact.

[caring__1]

Believing it will stop is wishful thinking. It continues indefinitely with insecure people. As long as our society promotes conformity, the problem will exist. Older people are more likely to know what works or doesn't for them, but that doesn't mean they feel secure in expressing themselves openly, clearly and honestly. Too many people just want to be in a relationship, so they're open to compromising themselves to get one. Unfortunately, the pattern doesn't stick, so eventually they revert back to their normal self. Even if they hoped the new pattern would stick, people will still see this action as bait and switch, as they are no longer who they implied they were.

[TenderFantasy]

>Older people are more likely to know what works or doesn't for them, but that doesn't mean they feel secure in expressing themselves openly, clearly and honestly.< Well they should, because as I said, life is finite (one's life that is, not in general).

>Too many people just want to be in a relationship, so they're open to compromising themselves to get one.< Yeah, young people are guilty of that too. I think I am still like that. But yeah, society and it's love for coupling/couplehood and being liked, is all too real. That and conforming to traditional values.

[caring__1]

"Well they should." That is what does in so many relationships. People focus on what should be rather than accept what is. No one's saying you need to like what is or stick around, but people will only become more resistant to change when we tell them what should be. Would you like people telling you what you should do or be, just because that's what they want? Let's say your mom always dreamed of being a ballerina, so she tells you that you should be a ballerina, so she can live vicariously through you. Would you eliminate your hopes and dreams and take on her hopes and dreams? Don't assume something is right, just because most people believe it. After all, do you still believe the earth is flat, since the majority of people used to believe the earth is flat?

Be careful of compromising yourself too much, as most of those compromises tend to be conditional. When we don't get what we expect, we revert back to the person we were. That will only lead to conflict and frustration for both. It's not about conforming to what society says you should be or do; it's about being true to yourself and being a unique individual. By being consistent with your uniqueness, you'll attract people who appreciate that in a partner, raising the likelihood of a long-term successful relationship.

[caring__1]

Holding onto traditional values and beliefs doesn't necessarily make sense. For instance, long ago, people were told not to eat pig. The reason made sense back then, as people who ate pig often ended up with trichinosis. They didn't know what trichinosis was or what caused it (other than from eating pig), so it made sense to tell people to not eat pig. Do you still not eat pig? There were many things that used to be functional when you were a little kid, but are those same behaviors truly functional at your present age? Do you still wear diapers and drink out of a baby bottle? Do you still believe you'll get cooties by touching someone of the opposite sex? Do you still believe there are monsters in your closet? Believe what you want, but make sure your belief is truly functional today.

[OlderAndWiser]

If someone has some aspect that is THAT unlikeable, such as abuse, I doubt that I would love them.

I have often said that a good relationship means you love your partner so much that you are willing to accept and tolerate their quirks and idiosyncrasies, and they love you so much that they put up with your nonsense, too. . . because a PERFECT relationship does not exist.

[LiamJHayden]

Love is seeking the best for the other. Accepting minor annoyances is likely part of that. However, if the parts that you don't like include self- or other-destructive behaviors, then "No."

[exitseven]

It is true. Nobody is perfect, you have to love the total package. When we got married we wrote our own vows. We got some stuff right out I f the Bible. I found a passage that said I would take her "with blemish". Well, wouldn't you know that the day we got married my wife gets a huge zit on her face. Even after covering it with makeup you could still see it. When I got to the "with blemish" part I couldn't help but look at the zit. I almost started laughing

[NathanDavis]

no... love is much more complex than just this

[TenderFantasy]

Yeah, so is life. But if you are committed to them, then hopefully, things get easier and more manageable.

[NathanDavis]

love should be truly from the start... not hopeful

risking over time is not the best kind of love... moreso if we're fooling ourselves into something we do not like, especially it if makes us unhappy as well

[ohsheeT]

There's 500 different types of love

And loving your partner is unconditional

[ohsheeT]

I guess I should have read all the question you also have to love yourself unconditionally and it starts with you you can't put up with any abuse because it takes away from where you're supposed to be going it's a detour it's a long path wrong path it is too hard to get yourself back on track so walk away from it as soon as possible you know what's right and what's wrong you know who you want to be and who you don't want to be

[ObscuredBeyond]

It means wanting what's best for them, even in spite the parts you can't accept.

[Sevenpointfive]

i will kill that partner for stepping outside of the bounds of my agreement with myself.

[Guardian45]

Partners communicate and compromise; otherwise why bother?

[TenderFantasy]

Agreed.

[Anonymous]

As you updated, it depends
Accepting each other's minute unintentional imperfections must be a crucial part of a relationship..