How to avoid arguing with your mom about sleeping over at you girlfriend's house?

[shiran_]

I study far from home, and return home every weekend.
Recently I started dating someone and I would very much like to spend at least one of the nights during the weekend with her at her place.
As I am not ready to come out in front of my mom I struggle to explain why I want to spend nights with her and my mom insists that I sleep at home every night I'm home from school.

I came up with some excuse once or twice why I spent the night and didn't return home but I hate lying to my mom.
Any suggestions on how t o approach it?

[caring__1]

It takes two to argue, so don't give her anything to push against. You want to be honest with her, yet you don't want to be truthful. That inner conflict will often come out as conflict with others.

Show her you want to understand her perspective. If you take the time to understand her concerns, you can actually address whatever concerns she mentions. You are 18, and she knows she has limited time left with you before you leave the nest. Unfortunately, we tend to squeeze and smother whatever we fear losing. Help her to see the value of quality over quantity. Schedule time with her rather than just tell her she has all the remaining time after you do what's important to you. Scheduled time is focused time and tends to be more meaningful.

Determine if you are still experimenting to discover your orientation or if you are just afraid of her reaction when you admit you're a lesbian. If you have truly decided, procrastinating won't make the revelation easier. Maybe you're just using her as a place to crash, so you fear being put out on the streets if she knows the truth, and you're not ready to stand on your own two feet yet. Have conversations with her to determine her perspective when it comes to homosexuality. The revelation may be more comfortable if you discover she is more open and receptive than you previously assumed.

To avoid arguing, never present statements of fact about her, as she'll view that as you projecting your opinion as fact and get on the defensive. The best defense is a good offense, so she'll just push back harder. Seek clarification when you hear something uncomfortable, rather than get on the defensive. A lot of times, we just hear what we expect to hear (our greatest fears or fantasies). Feed back what you are hearing in your own words, so she can tell if you are actually hearing what she is saying. Never insist you know what she means or feels. Just ask for examples, so you can more clearly see her perspective.

[Staximus]

Well you live somewhere besides your parents house when you're at school, right? Just tell her "I'm doing some stuff with my friends this weekend and staying over here for the weekend, but I'll see you next weekend". Do some stuff with your friends over there and go spend the night at your girlfriend's place. If she doesn't like that, tell her she doesn't own you and you're not her slave to give orders to. There comes a time when the child becomes an adult and needs to make their own decisions. Your mom is no longer in charge of you. You are now in charge of yourself, so act like it. If your girlfriend lives close to your parents, you might have another problem.

[SueShe]

You hate lying to your mom but you need an excuse. That is nothing more than a contradiction.

If you don't want to lie to your parents, then you will eventually have to tell them. Now, if you continue to make excuses and they find out in a way or another, then what do you think will happen?

I do not know how your relationship with your mother is but if you don't tell her, she will eventually be even more upset with you when she finally finds out.

There is no need to argue. You are an adult and your parents may not impose their will on you. I am aware that they care and are worried but if you explain your situation without getting upset, then it will be all to your advantage.

What I suggest you do is to prepare a list of pros and cons of your current situation. Sit down with your parents (or mother) and go over this list. Try to remain as neutral as possible and do not accuse her of not wanting to understand. By being factual and explaining that your emotions cannot be commanded and that you wish they would understand that you are only following what your heart wishes. Good luck.

[AviatorTom]

Now is the time to let your mom know about her daughter... that she is dating another woman.

[shiran_]

If only it was that simple 🙁

[AviatorTom]

I know it won't be easy, but she will eventually find out. A nice mother-daughter conversation would be nice.

[OlderAndWiser]

Must you return home every weekend?

[Billlewis]

What if you tell her that they want you to spend the night there, because they're concerned about your safety, if you leave too late.

[shiran_]

I used that excuse once, and another time I said that I was just too tired and fell asleep there.
But she sees that it is becoming a "habit" and she confronted me saying that she does not like it.

[lgh1998]

I think honesty is the best policy. 95% of the time it's better to be honest so just tell her. If she doesn't understand then she never would have. Don't think there is a right time to tell her tbh

[boggboss]

Is it that u are not allowed to stay over whats your mums reasoning

[shiran_]

I don't think that she is in a place to prohibit it as I am not a child anymore but she strongly expresses her opinion and clarifies that she has a preference that I sleep at home when I am not at school. I want to avoid a full blowout over this

[boggboss]

If she can't prohibit you doing it then sleep at hers

[slatyb]

Simple. You are all adult. Say "I'm an adult and I'm not going to discuss this with you."

[Mangospacho]

I usually don’t even tell my mom where I sleep anymore.

[ThrillSeeker01]

Maybe a movie marathon, like a series of movies that would take all night to watch 🙂

[Anonymous]

I didn't see anyone else mention this but

It's gay relationship yes?

Is possible your Mom unhappy with that?

[stratford]

Tough one - good luck!