What would you do if you discovered that your wife of 10 years was a GROUPIE before you knew her?

[AviatorTom]

You've been married to this woman for 10 happy years, you have 2 young children.

You just discovered that, before you knew her, she was a groupie... with many different bands, in her late teens and early twenties.

How would you feel? What would you do?

And NO... this is not my life story. It's fictional, though we all know this has happened.

[dynamicyandere]

The main concern, at the end of the day, is whether or not the past is negatively affecting the future.


Just like it would normally be a red flag for someone to have a drug addiction.


But, if they’ve recovered from that drug addiction years ago, they’ve been relapse-free for ten years, and they’ve truly turned over a new leaf, then that ‘red flag’ can be dismissed.


Usually, our pasts follow us into the future and old habits die hard.


But, 10+ years of a healthy, committed, monogamous, relationship is pretty decent proof that the past really is in the past.


What would be a bigger concern though would be why this fact was kept hidden for over a decade.


It brings into question whether or not there is anything else that has been kept hidden.


Has the last 10 years been truly without incident? Or has infidelity crept in during those 10 years?


If the change of heart is genuine, then things can move forward.


But, if there was no real change of heart, and infidelity would occur if the opportunity ever presented itself, then what we might have is a ticking time bomb.

[dynamicyandere]

What would I do? I’d want to hear her out and understand what has changed since then. What does she think about the past, the future, our current relationship, and why she kept this hidden from me for over a decade. Basically, I’d want closure that this is truly something that’s going to stay in the past and not be something I should be concerned about in the future.

[OlderAndWiser]

Does the groupie status automatically mean that she was having sex with whatever band member wanted her for the night?

[AviatorTom]

That's the usual definition of a "groupie".

[OlderAndWiser]

She had the "right" to do that when she younger, but she doesn't have the right to insist that no one can ever judge her for her behavior. The fact that she doesn't want to actually experience any consequences doesn't mean she can insist that he accept her past. He can tell her to hit the road; that's his right.

HOWEVER. . . before he tells her to hit the road. . . what is HIS past?

[OlderAndWiser]

Thanks for MHO!

[mandyfire98]

That would fall under past sexual experience. Do you ask all your partners how many people they've been with total? Is that common? To demand a sexual resume like that?

If the wife just out of the blue was like "I've slept with 15 guys in college" then it would be the same scenario but with music involved lol. The celebrity aspect might make it more high profile but it's still her sexual past.

[Elina_432]

You are totally right. He shouldn't subject to our past sexual life but I've tell my guy I've been with group like 3 times and even with a relationship I'm still doing it.

[tzdc21]

Well let's be honest. We guys don't wanna commit to a girl who's been ran through. There are many reasons why that's the case. So that is part of us being careful with who we commit to.

[mandyfire98]

How would you truly know if they've been "run through"? If it's ten years later and you are already married to her and have a happy marriage and kids and you found out, what then? You divorce her and end a happy marriage?

[tzdc21]

That's why you need to find out BEFORE you tie the knot. The biggest predictor of a person is your past, and if you've been ran through and we were already married, I would have to consider that. Because now I would realize that I could easily become a victim of a lot of dangerous scenarios that could come up from dealing with a woman who has a bad past.

[mandyfire98]

So what do you do? Ask her when you first start dating how many men she has been with? On the first date? How do you personally go about that? She could easily lie about that by the way.

[tzdc21]

Yeah she could lie, actually she more than likely WILL lie, that's why you gotta read other signals from her and see how she moves. And that could take years but eventually, if she has a bad past, it'll show up one way or the other. It's the guy's responsibility to know what these traits are.

[tzdc21]

Do you know why this matters to men a lot of times? If whether or not you've slept around the block or not?

[mandyfire98]

I mean I've heard the reasons before. I've literally heard them all. Im just curious how you personally go about it in real life. How you actually know and how you actually deal with it when you first start dating someone.

[mandyfire98]

The women you've dated

[tzdc21]

Well I'm no guru at it, so I am not gonna sit here and say I know ALL the little tips. I'm still learning them all. But I do know some ways. For instance, if her phone frequently lights up with messages, that's a red flag. And I mean messages from guys wanting to meet with her or confirm plans. If she is dressed provocatively in person, or she posts many provocative photos, that's a red flag. If she does smoking or drugs... honestly I would stay away from people like that just because they do that stuff, but people who sleep around do that a bunch too. And of course if she's a stripper... that's pretty self explanatory. But it takes time to figure that stuff out. And I'm sure there's many more cues to signal such as well. But if you've heard the reasons before, why do you act as if it's ludicrous for guys to care about a woman's past when taking them seriously? What reasons have you heard of? And how in depth did they go with the explanations?

[mandyfire98]

I don't remember saying it's ludicrous. I was just asking why being a groupie is any different than a woman sleeping with non musicians.

With you I was just curious how you go about asking women about their body counts without offending some women and how you know what they tell you is 100 percent honest.

I think you jumped into this thinking you know exactly what I think or believe on this subject. I think you jumped the gun and assume you know where I'm coming from. This seems to be a hot button topic for you though. So I'm just picking your brain and seeing how you think and feel about it.
I graduated with a major in psychology and a minor in sociology. So I find how people think interesting.

[mandyfire98]

I have not made a declarative statement one way or another yet.

[tzdc21]

I made a decision based off you earlier comments that made it seem it was in your mind it was wrong. Particularly the first part. Mostly because people, women especially who think men shouldn't judge their past, say the same exact stuff. And I said "acting like it was stupid," not necessarily saying it was stupid. And trust me, this is not really a hot topic for me, compared to other topics. Do I have a stance on this? Yes. But it's nowhere near as firm as other topics.

[mandyfire98]

No, I just find gender differences and viewpoints interesting so that's why I ask questions and pick people's brains. Human behavior is always fascinating.

[tzdc21]

I find human behavior to be confusing and at times frustrating, lol. But if you like it then kudos to you.

[mandyfire98]

Each to their own.

[Socaljp]

We can know she's been run through by her experience with the sex. Woman don't just automatically know certain things about sex or certain moves they have to learn them. And to learn them they are taught them. So if your new girlfriend starts pulling all kind of crazy moves on you then you can pretty much be sure that she been around town a bit

[mandyfire98]

So if she's bad at sex she's not a slut but if she's good in bed then she's a slut and that's not a good thing? So women bad in bed who don't know anything are what guys want? So guys just want someone who lays there like a human Fleshlight? Ok I think I see now what men prefer. Thank you for educating me. It's very interesting.

[purplepoppy]

If you've been married ten years then it sounds like things are working. Seems a shame to throw it away for something done so long ago.

[Lliam]

10 happy years of marriage and 2 young children. Why would the past change the present and the future?

Since I never asked any woman about her past relationships or "body count" and none ever asked mine, it wouldn't be that weird if I hadn't known about her hijinks when she was young. I never cared that my partners had sex before they met me. In fact, I knew they had. I consider that normal.

Being happily married for 10 years would mean that we were best friends and had a trusting, monogamous relationship and loved and admired each other for many reasons. And she obviously didn't have any diseases. So when she told me about being a groupie, not as a confession but in the context of anecdotes, I would probably be fascinated.

I was a rock guitarist and vocalist and went to hundreds of concerts, myself, in my teens and twenties. I was wild. I got plenty of BJs from admirers when I wasn't in a relationship. I didn't do hookups because I preferred having girlfriends. But I was in several long term relationships before I finally decided to settle down with the woman I knew I could spend the rest of my life with.

So, I wouldn't shame her. Instead of being horrified or disgusted, I would be interested in hearing all her stories about the parties and who she met. I'd probably be awed and amused.

[NathanDavis]

I really don't think that I would ever end up married with someone that "hides" this much and something that happened for years... lol

but if it happened, well... I'd just hope she didn't have one of those gardens that very well fertilized... lol

[AnusNdaPainus]

Mine was a stripper before I knew her but in her defense I was in a sub/domme relationship before I met her

It feels nice to have intimacy with one person and only that person

don’t think you should judge her because most people don’t realize that monogamy is what they need

[WindAtMyBack]

I'd thumbs up and maybe laugh.

So she had some fun in her younger days. So did most of the people back in the day. Pretty normal.

[BrightBubblyKat]

Nope, I’d be a bit surprised, but not judgmental

[Ironic_Method]

It'd be weird to marry someone that you didn't know about their past like that.

[Staximus]

I'm not a fan of women who drop their pants just because they are razzle dazzled by some rockstar bullshit

[Staximus]

I used to work at a couple of live music venues and have seen plenty of groupies throwing themselves at musicians. Sometimes my job was to keep the groupies away from the rock stars

[Married_mature]

It shouldn't matter but the only thing it can lead to is loss of trust

[Anonymous]

You mean how would I feel about finding out that she's LIED to me for 10 years? How do you think I'd feel? How would she if the roles were reversed. I don't know if I could get passed it. Because I just found out I married and raised 2 kids with a complete stranger. I'd like to say I'd try to make it work, for children's sake. But without a doubt our relationship has been irrevocably altered.

[AviatorTom]

She never lied about it, just never told you.

[Opinion Owner]

Lie of omission. She hid it! You can dress up fancily by saying she didn't lie but in the end it's still a lie.

[justabuddy]

This is one of those think real hard things. To me the fact that she hid it all those years matters more than the history itself.

[dynamicyandere]

100% I would be more concerned about the lack of transparency more than learning about a tainted past.

[exitseven]

I would want to know what Keith Richard's was really like

[OldBlue]

If you ever find yourself on the Florida Intracoastal Waterway, check out the restaurant with the helicopter on the roof.




Their groupie fingers are amazing.

[zagor]

As long as she didn't retain any viruses from those days, it would be OK, though kind of weird.

[genericname85]

i'd blame myself for not knowing her well enough before marrying her.

[jimmy2]

That better than what happened to me
After I married she told me 5 years into it my uncle raped me repeatedly for 5 , years

[KrakenAttackin]

What can you do other than know she is really a whore and not what you thought she was. Once a hoe, always a hoe, watch her and wait for the divorce.

[captain_voidwalker]

This

[Guido]

That would make me her Rock Star.

[ThrillSeeker01]

Groupies are fine. No problem with them

[Anonymous]

I would end it immediately, I don't reuse other people's garbage, I don't recycle.

[riverrat3]

Ask if she would share some stories

[elizamichale1]

Is that bad?

[Socaljp]

I would ask her why she holding out?

[AviatorTom]

She's not holding out. She just never told you about it, and in your discussions about when you both were younger, it never came up/

[PinkSmoke]

Wtf is a groupie?

[AviatorTom]

When in doubt, ask the Urban Dictionary...

"groupie
A young woman, often under age, who seeks to achieve status by having sex with rock musicians, roadies, security, and other band-related guys. See Suzy Creamcheese.

She was a groupie for Nirvana, but she never got past blowing the roadies."