Is there an "inner"personality as well as "outer"personality? Is it possible a person with good "outer" personality is missing inner personality?

[Anonymous]

Is this same as introverted vs extroverted?

To be more specific I'm in a relationship for over 20 years and outwardly she is fine, perfect in fact, but in close moments together there is nothing. Over past 20 years we have developed zero closeness/ observations/in jokes

I hope this makes sense

And i suspect it's unusual a guy writing this about his wife rather than vice versa

[dynamicyandere]

I wouldn’t say that’s the same as introverted vs extroverted.


It’s definitely possible to have different sides of your personality though.


I myself have at least 6 sides to me for example.


Depending on the social or situational context, a different side of me may be appropriate.


How I am at work or with my peers is different than how I am with my significant other.


How I am with my significant other is different from how I am when I’m just by myself.


I can be quite difficult to know or to read unless I allow someone to get close to me.


I control what sides of me people see.


I grew up with parents that were very emotionally absent, so I learned how to keep my feelings (and sides of me) to myself.


(I remember trying to talk about my mental health with my parents before and all they did was gaslight me and scold me.)


I know what it’s like to hold up a poster-boy exterior with a smile on my face while suffering silently within, wrestling with depression and suicidal thoughts on my own.


(I’ve recovered from that years ago though, so no worries.)


So, if your spouse is anything like myself, then perhaps she is keeping much of her thoughts and feelings to herself.


I can understand if she’s like that with strangers, but with a spouse, it is a bit odd.


If you and your spouse share no inside jokes at all, it sounds like you either haven’t gotten to know each other at a very deep level, and/or you have a very different sense of humor.


You have a marriage, but it sounds like you lack intimacy.


Perhaps all the practical and logistical things have been all sorted out, but your actual heart-to-heart conversations have been few and far between?


20 years is an incredibly long time. But, I would voice my concerns about this and make an effort to try to get to know each other at a deeper level.


That’s just me though. Some people prioritize practicality over emotions. Perhaps she’s one of those people who are more stoic and less sentimental about these sort of things.

[Asker]

I only think maybe she not used to verbalising these subtleties
Myself i can talk about a fly walking across a wall
But she sees things in broad strokes
I think we are incompatible

[musclesimp]

Aaaaaaaaaaa. Im not cooming. Not gooning either. Just thinking, this must be it. What they talk about "think using your genitals." Is the only reason you're seeing this woman for decades, because of how fuckable you found one another? That's just my first thought.

Here is another thought: does she ask the same question on the forums? Or is she totally thriving?

Has it bothered you throughout or did you just notice it? Could be old age, health related, biden-like brain diseases... or rather it started well and you developed walls recently, from stress and fighting. Maybe the covid vaccine forced the soul out of her and now she's an automaton.

Is she really outwardly perfect? It does seem a bit like these serial killer psycho gay dudes having wifes and children who find them perfect in outward appearance. Maybe studying them will help solve the mystery.

Jokes aside this definitely needs more background, any mental conditions, medications, upbringing and experiences. Could be just a moderate mismatch in values, such as one wanted kids the other didn't, the constant stress that emotionally-cockblocked her...

[musclesimp]

I mean by mental conditions not so much of Biden-like neurodegeneration because that's a nobrainer, assuming there's no issue, more of mental development in a way of... what about her parents and siblings? Are they all extroverts? There a genetic variations found in between introverts and extroverts dealing with serotonin receptors and all that shit...

[Asker]

Thanks for the thorough answer

I'll have read it again too take it all in

Those are useful comments

My first and last thought is always my genitals, is that not good?

It worked before just last few years

Maybe it's just past the sell by date

It's tough and divorce is expensive

[CarolineW]

I tend to find that outgoing people are pretty shallow. They lack creativity and think it's important to be popular within their peer group. It's not.

[Asker]

That's fine insightful words
It could be true in my case
I never looked at it that way

[Asker]

Very insightful i meant to say

[Levin]

That's kind of worrying man. That you've been together for so long but you don't seem fundamentally compatible. And now this has just come up?

And well, I think you're using unclear terminology. I suppose we can say that most people do cultivate themselves socially. But have quite a lack of self-awareness in terms of their inner workings. A lot of people can't stand to be alone, with their own company. Are you saying you've gotten together over superficial reasons, and there is no deeper connection? And how does your wife feel about it?

[Asker]

It's difficult to put into words
In a few short sentences
You get the drift
Imagine the "in jokes" that might exist between two people
We have none of that

[aceleon]

outside personality of mine is much more social and relaxed, chill and generally careless, someone who is always self-asured and fearless for everyone who knows me (aside from height my only phobia)

inner one is an ocd sufferer who fears he will end up being a freud while rather die this day then ever see that day.

[BritBond]

I've always believe there are three parts to every person - their public life (what most people see and make their opinion of you from), their private life (what the people close to you see. Generally speaking they love you for these traits) and then your secret life (this is what you think/do when no one is watching). For example, I could be a great husband and yet my secret life desires something which I'd never let anyone know!

[GregorSamsa]

Probably why it's lasted. Same situation here. No drama because nothing is threatening to boil over. You can turn up the gas in the pilot light, but it'll burn out quicker.

[RavVid]

Certainly we are going to present one way in public but be a different way in private

[OddBeMe]

Personality is more umbrella. But we can’t act differently in diff situations.

[Tharithi]

U guys aren’t compatible bruh