If you are in a BDSM relationship, what is the real appeal of it, besides the pain?

[blunty]

I'm just curious about your relationships...

[drummer]

The whole BDSM scene often gets boiled down to just the pain aspect in movies and stuff, but it's actually way more nuanced and interesting when you dive into it.

So, here's the scoop from a more human angle:

The Trust Factor: Imagine sharing your deepest, quirkiest fantasies with someone and they're totally into making them a reality. It's all about super open communication and trusting your partner to respect your boundaries. It's like the ultimate trust fall exercise, but way more exciting.

Playing with Power: It's not just about being tied up or wielding a whip. Some folks get a real kick out of the power dynamics – being in control or handing over the reins completely. It's like role-playing on steroids. You could be a CEO by day and a submissive in the playroom.

Discovering New Sides of You: Ever wonder what really tickles your fancy? BDSM can be like a voyage of self-discovery.

The Great Escape: After a long day of being responsible and making decisions, imagine being able to let go completely and have someone else call the shots, or vice versa. That's a huge appeal for a lot of folks in the BDSM community. It's a break from the usual, a chance to explore different dynamics and sensations.

Intense Sensory Experiences: We're talking about way more than just physical sensations here. BDSM can ramp up the emotional intensity too. It’s about experiencing things on a level that's not your everyday vanilla – a mix of excitement, pleasure, and even a bit of fear. It’s the thrill of the unknown and unexpected.

Aftercare is Everything: This one's huge and often overlooked. After the whips and chains are put away, there's this time for gentle care and connection.

[dynamicyandere]

I really like that comparison you made about trust. It truly is the ultimate trust fall. That’s why those who understand the trust it takes, don’t take it lightly at all. It’s an honor for someone to trust you so completely.

[dynamicyandere]

It’s an honor to be trusted so completely*

[Billlewis]

Very well said, Sir. I just started following you and you're welcome to follow me as well, if you like. Thank you very much.

[dynamicyandere]

It’s a part of me as much as love languages are.


It’s self-expression. It’s fulfillment. It’s being who you truly are and having a safe space to embody that.


I feel the most loved when my partner trusts and respects me so much that they give me their submission — when they knowingly and willingly give me power over them, as an expression of deep love and devotion.


That just hits different.


It hits deep for me.


It pulls at my heartstrings in a profound way.


For her, she enjoys having a safe space, to be with someone she can trust with that power, to be able to just let go of her worries and allow me to take the reins.


She allows me to take her to exciting places, wherever I want to bring her. She trusts that I will wield my power well, and I do.


As her Dominant, I take on a guardian-like role. Being her protector, her provider, her rock, her home, her safe space.


I nurture our relationship and I take care of her in every way.


She willingly surrenders ownership of herself to me, and I receive her, not as a mere object, but as my most cherished possession.


For her and I, the power dynamics of BDSM actually enhance our intimacy, our closeness, and our sense of fulfillment.


It takes a lot of trust and vulnerability to trust someone with that much power and control.


And it takes a lot of love, responsibility, and maturity to take care of someone in every way, fulfilling all over their needs — physically, mentally, and emotionally.


A good Dom knows that BDSM is about more than just kinky bedroom activities. It’s about taking care of your sub in every way. Truly looking out for them and their well-being.


This is just the consensual arrangement that works for us.


But, everybody is different, and there’s something different for everyone.


What’s important is finding what’s most fulfilling for both you and your partner.

[dynamicyandere]

As for the sexual aspect of it. One way of looking at is one person feels euphoric when they are giving up control and the other person feels alive when they have all that control. One is aroused by being so powerless to their partner’s desires. The other is aroused by how much power they have over their partner. The Dom can have their way with their sub, yet the Dom having their way with the sub is exactly what the sub longs for.

And if you’re talking about not just power dynamics, but sadism and masochism, then it works out well when enjoys receiving pain and the other enjoys delivering it.

Depending on the BDSM relationship you have, you’ll fall on a spectrum where this may be a large part of your dynamic or it can even by non-existent.

It’s not the pain that makes a BDSM relationship. That’s just one possible aspect that a couple may or may not choose to incorporate. (And if they do incorporate it, it would only be to the degree that uniquely feels right for them.)

Like a vanilla relationship is so much more than just receiving flowers. Sure, that may be a big thing for some couples. Or, it can be a little thing for other couples.

So much of everything is on a spectrum. There’s no one right way of doing things.

[wiltingrosepetal]

Never been in one but BDSM has always interested me. It really has nothing to do with pain. The benefits hinge on psychology- people who have specific power fantasies are able to live them out in the day-to-day. It's an scape our of an otherwise drab life. For some that may mean surrendering their control to another 24/7 (or if it's not D/S then just in the bedroom). Plus, there are people out there who'd much rather lick the boot of a dominant than take charge in their own life. Having a master fufills that.

Yes, sadomasochism is a massive part of BDSM, but it's not as simple as a person whipping another- person A liking the pain and person B liking their screams. There is so much more to it. That's why dominants ask to be called respectful titles (eg, sir or master) and often dress in a specific way. Because the fact that they've trained another human being to kneel for them and beg to be beaten is just as pleasurable as the pain itself.

BDSM is escapism, fulfilling desires and using psychology in pleasure. So yep. It's a lot more than just pain

[Levin]

Yes, plus I don't think the pleasure of the dominant is from meting out pain, but from being dominant and in control. Plus any pain can be moderated, ie dominance can come from simply tying up and blindfolding, to firm but not brutish spankings.

[msmissydc]

Bdsm in the first place is rarely about the pain. It can involve it though.
For me its about giving up control. The important part is that it is in a completly save environment with someone I trust.
The rest is just fun and games and depend heavily on the specific kinks.
Also always keep in mind that basically a bdsm part of a relationship is a superficial situation, specified to kinks of the participants. For excample I may not like pain but pain as a punishment for a broken rule is different. Hard to describe really but maybe you understand it.

[sawno]

Its the ultimate partnership, in a good dynamic the dominant is the giver and its their objective to maximize the enjoyment of the submissive. So its a great act of trust from the submissive to the dominant that the dominant will do onto them what they need most.

As a Dom being able to tease her and drive her wild is incredibly erotic, I love using her own desires and body against her to make those desires stronger than she can handle (But secretly something I know she can take) and then finally give in overwhelming her with the intensity of it all.

As a submissive I love it being done to me for the same reasons, it just maximizes the intensity of it far beyond my usual orgasms.

[FreyaRed]

Depends who is sadistic master and who is masochistic slave. It's about power dominance and control. At some point the subservient partner associates belittling, pain and sexual reward with intimacy.

Some people have completely screwed up perception of sexuality and sado-masochism doesn't generate healthy emotional bound for long term relationships in my opinion. But maybe I'm wrong.

[jshm2]

You're confused.

There is no "pain" in the relationship - that would be abuse.

Think of it as people who like the foods you hate. You think to yourself "uh, how can you like that, while I hate it?" The answer is their taste and situations are different. You cannot experience what they do.

Same thing with BDSM, it's everything from the dressup, to the sex, to the roleplay... they don't see the pain as you do. for them it's pleasure.

[SotiCoto]

The Dom / Sub dynamic and the Sadist / Masochist dynamic are two very different things.
As to the appeal... It isn't something that can really be explained. If you get off on something particular then it likely isn't a conscious choice any more than sexuality is. It generally means there is something missing from your everyday life that it feels good to get in private.

[itsannalee]

I like the pain, i enjoyed the pain i get during sex. but not really BDSM. I got bruises a lot in my body caused sex. Once my friend found out that my body full of bruises he thought my boyfriend abused me.

[Minahh]

I'm not in for the pain aspect. More of a psychological thing. To have complete mental power. To control him. To have him submit to my every whim. To know that this is exactly what he craves. Also domme clothes and shoes make me power af!

[HelpfulWoman]

bdsm isn't even all about pain.

[Rocknbob]

To be controlled and dominated. The joy in the eyes of the Mistress as the slave submits to her will. To always please her and to obey everything she says. If not a severe punishment.

[Anonymous]

Power dynamics

The sub (my partner) gets turned on by giving up control and submitting to what I do and just the opposite for me

[OddBeMe]

I told you not to open your mouth. Now get back in your cage.

[Jennz6]

Being Submissive

[boobliker]

it's not about pain at all!
it's TRUST.

[Christoff92]

Excitement

[FenixG45]

Control & Dominance