Can this happen with people with Asperger’s?

[Anonymous]

I’ve noticed a few who seemed to blow hot and cold, both men and women, have made an entrance back into my life, after disappearing months or years earlier, making it clear that they want contact with me, but seeming happy being acquaintances. I’ve got Asperger’s too, but I’m only mild, so I have many friends, some are non autistic. So I struggle to fully understand more moderate Aspies.

Updates

+1 y

Are these men and women people who like me, but just find too many close friendships overwhelming?

[Oliverlogan263]

Yeah, going hot and cold is definitely a pattern I've seen in some people on the autism spectrum before. A few things that might explain it:

- Social cues and emotions don't always come naturally, so it can be hard to consistently maintain interest levels over time. Things feel "new" for a while and then fade.

- Sensory overload is common, so too much social interaction at once could lead to temporary burnout and withdrawal periods.

- Rigid routines and interests - if the relationship doesn't fit an established routine, it may fall by the wayside until interest peaks again.

- Rejection sensitivity - fears of not measuring up could cause distancing to "reject before being rejected".

- Executive function struggles - it may take conscious effort to plan socializing that doesn't always last.

So their fading interest may not be a reflection on you personally. It could just be how their autistic brain wiring works with maintaining long-term relationships.

I'd say keep interactions casual if they pop back in. Don't over-analyze motives too much. And set clear expectations so no one feels led on if fading does happen again. The upside is they may stick around longer now that initial novelty has worn off!

[Asker]

Why do they keep coming back?

[Oliverlogan263]

There could be a few reasons why they keep coming back:

- Comfort and familiarity. Even if they struggle with close relationships, you've known each other for a long time so there's a level of comfort there.

- Genuine care and concern. They may worry about leaving you hanging without any contact at all, so check in from time to time just to say hi.

- Missing the connection. When things get too much, they might withdraw for a while. But then remember how much they enjoyed your friendship and want to try reconnecting in a lower-pressure way.

- Romantic interest. It's possible one or more of them does have feelings for you but doesn't know how to properly express it. So they come and go as their emotions and Aspie needs allow.

- Boredom or loneliness. Being alone for long stretches can get to some people. Catching up with an old pal provides comfortable socializing without much effort.

The pattern does suggest you're important to them somehow. But Aspies definitely go through on-off phases. As long as you're both happy keeping in lighter contact, might as well keep rolling with it and see what happens!

[laly520]

I think it depends on who they r