If I am told I do not love and respect him, that I do not do enough then why does he swear he wants to marry me?

[Anonymous]

Almost two years together and he finds more and more reasons to get to the neighbours or spin then yells at me because I share my feelings about feeling a load of different emotions except truly loved. He denies the hours on his tables, promising quality nights together then comes home and negates what he had said earlier that day.

Updates

+1 y

Hey guys thanks for the input all of you, a guys perspective is really what I use having always played arcade games and ish with the guys. A male perspective on males is what all women should seek, but we bat ish cray cray 🙄😁

[DoggyDude]

If your putting up wih a gambling habbit and being paitent and loving toward him. That's ideal marriage material for him. Though not sure the deal sounds too great for you.

That said, its average / normal for the girl to feel more left out in a straight relationship.

Most guys are more orientated towards fixing stuff, watching or playing football and going out drinking with the lads vs spending quality time with friends and family (not all men of course, but a significant majority [I also grant its rather the streotype]). It's not they don't spend quality time, but, to most girls / women its a really a pittiful amount vs the other things they do to 'waste' their time (as often it can be seen).

It's also average / normal for the guy to feel somewhat disresprected because often the girl will be looking for qualities they mearly hope the guy has, vs seeing them for what they actually are (or worse seeing them for their worst fears of what they might be or become). Also, they may be continually asking the guy to do stuff they don't really want to, to keep their own needs (which isn't wrong, but can feel disrespectful if its happening a lot and the partner is not attempting to join in with what they love)

I will give an example of a friend of mine, he was in a relationship with a girl and she really enjoyed him, he was smart, had an important job as a company director and was very good at looking after her financially, with all kinds of practical support. Yet, what she wanted most from him was a deeper emotional connection that she could feel / understand and feel was especially hers (she felt his day to day self was a professional mask and underneath was a cuddly emotional man, which was not my friend, kindly, thoughtful and helpful sure, emotional not so much, unless its passion in debate). So, on the one hand she was attracted to his competent side, liked how he was in every day,; On the other she hoped / wished for a softer side only known to her as his partner (she dreamed it existed and she would be the unique one to bring it out of him). It did work out for a long time, but, he spent the entire time a bit feeling like Liz didn't listen or really care for him as he was (rather continually trying to tap into this hidden emotional side she was convicted existed and would be her special way to connect with him). There is a degree to which that was a disrespectful way to treat someone, but there's also an aspect where its a reasonable aspiration for her needs.

At the end of the day here, you might not respect the real him, but that disrespect might be an accurate reflection of the disrepsect he shows you by not taking enough time and spending it with you (aka maybe your both right).

Your best course of action in my opinion is seeing him clearly for who and what he is (and trying to learn more how he sees himself), warts and all, and seeing if that's the man you see yourself being with in the long haul. It's clear he is happy with the status quo right now and wants to marry you (based on what you write), but its equally obvious part of him is being happy about getting to do what he likes and complaining if he feels your nagging him to do something which might impact on doing what he likes he enjoys; He likes telling you how he see you, good [marriage material] and bad [feels disrespected] (and likely disrespects you right back).

[Asker]

I know how he sees himself. Not a hard read by any means. I too know how he views his mum and from a from a psychological point, to be frank, he should be gone.

I know his recovery, I know, who one is and one was can be different. I believed the lies.

Do men always say I'm not a liar if they are?
If you are constantly told I can see right through you I'm not stupid and blamed for cheating then?
If he takes Xtense and doesn't touch you then?

[DoggyDude]

The tricky part about that, is most people don't feel they are liers, but everyone lies (and its not in contradiction like it sounds).

If I say "I'll be there at 8pm" and arrive at 9pm. I wasn't necessarily lying, though I was incorrect. Though its possible someone might have been lying, and its really impossibly difficult to distinguish the two people.

When a woman calls a man a liar, she usually has a set of facts in her head which contradict a set of memories of what the guy said. The issue is, that unless someone features an idetic memory, it is very easy to recall the moments which support out case and feelings.

Lastly, people forget parts of what they say. We say so much every single day, hardly anyone can recall and recite what they said 15 minutes ago precisely. Many people remember things for how they felt they proceeded. If a person feels they recall they had no reason to lie, they will presume they haven't lied and may be offended if its suggested they did lie.

Couples are, IME alway challenging one another. It's often good, because important women in my life remind me that the male way of seeing the world is lacking at certain points (recently a female friend, after hearing my plans to visit a sick friend, revealed to me another way to view it. To guy mind, I will just plan to go visit at the weekend and thats emminantly sensible, but a girl perspective is that if a person learns someone is seriously ill, and don't plan to visit immediately they may feel less or uncared for... I wouldn't naturally think that way so its good to get the challenge from her that I was acting uncaring, though she did it in a perfectly kindly and nice way, not blurting out 'jeeze do you CARE' as example lol).

[DoggyDude]

So, to "do men always say their not a liar", I would say if they feel they haven't lied, yes, but then also a liar would say that too. I don't deliberately lie myself, so I'd say I'd always challenge someone calling me a liar (but I wouldn't get too offended, I'd rather be surprised. Though if its a continual accusation, yes, I'd stick up for myself).

So, cheating has nothing to do with what a person does to you. Cheating is a choice a person makes, and to try to blame it on the person they cheated on is low and wrong. That is not to say the acts of a partner can't push the other partner away, to the point they decide to move on. Though if they decide to move on by cheating instead of an honsest break up, thats on them entirely and the other partner bears no blame (but if they decide to move on, tell their partner first, thats not cheating, its being driven away).

Not sure what Xtense is?

[strateguy632]

sounds like a liar. dump him.

[Anonymous]

Stop wasting your time on him. Men rarely change.

[Asker]

But they can.

[DoggyDude]

If they find someone who loves them as they are first.

[Anonymous]

go to counseling