How can I fix this. I fucked up and I feel like I'm being gas lit?

[JoseVilla1991]

So I found out that this girl I was interested in was married and I confronted her about it and she told me it wasn't true that she was single. I was approached again a while later with the same information but this time I called one of her friends who obviously told her and she was not happy what I called her friend. She still denied being married but at this point all I wanna be is friends. Her friendship means more to me than dating. It hurts not talking to her everyday more than knowing we could never be together. I've tried to apologize but in the heat of the moment it wasn't received well. How can I fix this. She loves plants and her favorite color is blue so I thought about getting her blue hydrangea as it matches closest to her favorite color and buying her friend flowers as well to apologize for calling and over stepping my bounds. What should I do.

[SueShe]

What you are doing is simply called "stalking". Why don't you leave this woman alone. I would certainly not want to have anything to do with a person that goes behind my back and basically spies on me by asking others about something that is absolutely of no concern to them and that is my private life.

If you need to investigate on others, then you are a person that cannot be trusted and all the hydrangeas of the world will not help you because what you do to get where you want is part of who you are.

Leave her be and don't bother to try to apologize. What you did by spying on her is way beyond apologies since it is part of who you are.

[JoseVilla1991]

I wasn't the one doing any digging someone told me this info. But I get it I should have backed off the first time. The second time I felt like why would someone keep telling me this if it wasn't true so I went to her friend since she told me no the first time. I wouldn't consider this stalking. But I get it. I thank you for your opinion.

[SueShe]

if you are willing to give her a present to apologize, then deep inside you know that you want more than just her friendship as you state it elsewhere on this post. I understand that you want to be in her good books because you secretly hope that there could be potentially more than just friendship.

Simply forget even about friendship because we women know that if we leave the door ajar, it will be kicked in eventually.

[JoseVilla1991]

That kills me inside. Ughhh but I get it. I've been super depressed not talking to her and... I just miss her. The thing is the friendship wouldn't hurt since I know she's married now but at the same time I hear what you're saying. I don't know how to put it into words really but it hurts.

[SueShe]

I do understand your point of view. The more intelligent thing you should have done in the very beginning was just not to confront her telling you she was not married and leave it be, whether it was a lie or not. By confronting her, you place her in a defensive situation that made everything worse.

[JoseVilla1991]

I know. Thank you for your honesty. I hurt myself. I just wish I could fix it.

[SueShe]

I mean you can always try the hydrangea but you must also realize that if you do that your present may be refused or it will just place her in a position of force over you.

[JoseVilla1991]

What do you mean by force? I just don't want her to hate me even if that means she accepts my apology but doesn't want to talk anymore. I know it's my fault regardless.

[SueShe]

What I mean by position of force is that she knows that you would go to great lengths to gain her friendship. Others would say "simping". I abhor that term but the end effect is the same. She could misuse that fact and knowledge.

[JoseVilla1991]

I could see that. Would you if you were in her position even accept the apology.

[SueShe]

Difficult to say since I cannot see the person's reaction, the facial expressions and other signs she may have given.

I would personally not accept the flowers simply because I am not looking to date and I know that deep inside, a friendship might be fine now but if I let myself in being a friend, sooner or later, it will no longer be sufficient.

Men and women can be platonic friends. I am a firm believer in that. However, you are already coming into this possible friendship with an outlook for something more and that is where the problem lies.

[JoseVilla1991]

Thank you for your input. Essentially what I'm hearing you say is to leave it alone and let myself and her heal.

[SueShe]

I am saying based on my perception of the entire situation but I cannot speak for you since I can only give an opinion based on what you tell me.

If you have the feeling that sending flowers will help restore a friendship, then by all means, give it a try but don't expect miracles.

[SueShe]

thank for the MHO

[avery58]

Why do you want to be friends with a liar? Don't you value trust in friendship?

[JoseVilla1991]

If she's married and lied to me and knows I know that's fine. It doesn't have to be romantic. I just enjoyed her company and talking to her. I know it may sound weird but I just don't want to lose her as a person even if that means she is with someone else. She's valuable to me. And it sucks that I can't talk to her. Well not that I can't but I know right now is a bad time to even try. Even though it hurts and I want to tell her that I value her friendship I don't want to over step my bounds. Again.. the pain will end with time but her memory will last forever.

[Nikki1989]

You should have backed off already.

[JoseVilla1991]

I wasn't the one doing any digging someone told me this info. But I get it I should have backed off the first time