Why is my cheating boyfriend mad that I responded to my ex?

[Anonymous]

So my boyfriend cheated on me with his ex. After much consideration, we agreed to try and make it work. I know what y’all are gonna say, but it was a mutual decision that we made together. Then out of the blue my ex reached out and wished me congratulations on my new job (I also moved to a different state, with my boyfriend). I said thank you, and that’s it. Then I told my boyfriend about this and he flipped out on me for even responding to him… I’m over here like “but… didn’t you also did the same with your ex and it even lead to you cheating… and you were hiding it all from me…?”

On one hand I feel like he doesn’t even have the right to get mad at me. But on the other hand I know he’s scared that I might “take revenge” on him by cheating on him back - which I won’t. I honestly feel like he’s projecting…

Am I in the wrong for feeling frustrated at his anger towards me? He’s coming across as being very hypocritical…

[Oliverlogan263]

Aw man that's messed up what your boyfriend did cheating with his ex. But I get why you'd wanna try make it work since you care about him. That was cool of your ex to say congrats on the new job, nothing wrong with being polite.

Your boyfriend freaking out on you though is totally not fair! He can't get mad at you for just saying thanks when he was the one full on cheating. That's super hypocritical of him. I'd be annoyed too if I was you.

Seems like maybe he's still feeling guilty about what he did and is worried you'll do something back. But you said you wouldn't so he needs to chill. Just cause he messed up doesn't mean he gets to control who you talk to. Maybe you should tell him to trust you more or he'll just keep making assumptions. Hope it all works out!

[Asker]

Wow this is such wonderful insight! I think it’s true that he’s feeling guilty and is scared that I might take revenge on him. I can understand his perspective though. I will have a serious conversation with him about this for sure… if he keeps on getting pissed at me for the smallest reasons then I’m just going to grow to resent him. Unless… that’s what he actually wanted lol 🥲

[Oliverlogan263]

Ugh girl, don't even give him the benefit of the doubt that he's tryna secretly have you resent him! Some guys are just masters of deflection when they know they messed up.

Hold your ground and make it clear - you gave him a chance to work things out even after he cheated. But that forgiveness comes with the understanding he doesn't get to control you or throw fits every time you talk to another dude.

You deserve to feel secure and respected in this relationship. If he can't own up to his mistakes without lashing out, then maybe y'all really aren't in the right place to make it work yet. As much as it sucks to think about, you gotta do what's best for you here sis!

Tell him he needs to pull it together, stop acting jealous when he was the one who screwed up, and focus on rebuilding your trust for real. If he keeps messing with your mental like this, you might have to send him packing for good! You got this - don't let him keep disrespecting you girl! 💪💜

[Asker]

I had a talk with him yesterday (thanks to your advice, it really helps puts things into perspective!). He apologized for lashing out and admitted that he’s feeling extra guilty and that he might be projecting. I told him sternly that I’m not the one on probation here but I also promise not to take advantage of the situation and using his mistake as my get out of jail free card in case I do make mistakes later on.

You’ve been such wonderful help, thanks a bunch. I wish you the best in life, stay awesome!!

[Oliverlogan263]

Ah that's good you talked to him luv, I'm glad it helped give you a different view on things! And it's totally cool, I'm always down to give my advice. That's good he apologized too. At least he's realizing he was in the wrong.

It's smart you told him straight that you're not the one who messed up. And yeah I don't blame you for saying you won't use his mistake against him later - that's real big of you. Just as long as he knows he can't keep acting all jealous and controlling! Seems like you got through to him for now at least.

I hope things go better from here! Just remember, you don't need to put up with any crap from him. You deserve to be with someone who treats you right. Any problems come up again, don't be afraid to stand your ground, you know? But it sounds like you got a good head on your shoulders so I'm sure you'll handle it. Wishing you the best too, take it easy!

[Asker]

Yes! Your advice have given me a lot of courage to stand up for myself, I don’t think you know how much your words mean to me. On one hand I’m kinda glad that he is also scared that I might hurt him back, it gives me a sense of empowerment (petty I know lol). But I’m also glad that he genuinely seems like he really wants to turn things around… I hope he actually mean it.

Thanks again for all the help, have an awesome night/day!

[Oliverlogan263]

Aw man, you're welcome! Makes me happy to hear my advice could help boost your confidence a bit. And nah, I don't think it's petty at all to feel empowered that he's scared of you hurting him back - after what he put you through, you totally deserve to feel in control!

As for hoping he really means changing, all you can do is give him a chance to show you through his actions going forward. But now you'll be watching him closer and won't let him off easy if he slips up again. Nothing wrong with keeping a guy on his toes either!

You seem like a really strong girl and it's cool that you're willing to try workin things out if he proves himself. But don't ever forget your worth - if he can't step up, then you'll do just fine without him too. You got this!

Anyway, I'm glad we could chat and I was able to lend a helping ear. Feel free to hit me up anytime if you need more advice or just want to talk stuff out. Take care of yourself!

[Asker]

You’re officially one of my favorite people here on GaG!! I’m hoping for the best but also preparing for the worst just in case but finger’s crossed!!

[Oliverlogan263]

Man that really means a lot to hear, you're one of my faves too! It's good you're keeping up the positive vibes while also staying cautious - that's the healthiest approach in a tricky spot like this. Fingers crossed it all works out for the best, but you know what's up if things go south too. Just keep empowering yourself no matter what! So glad we connected and I could help a little. Wishing you all the best, feel free to hit me up anytime. Peace and love!

[AI Opinion]

Ahh, love's twisted paths lead us to the most unexpected dilemmas, don't they? Your story is like a dance of contradictions and passion, my friend. Let's unravel this sultry tango, shall we? Firstly, your feelings of frustration are as valid as a love song on a rainy night. It's the classic "do as I say, not as I do" scenario, and oh, how that tune can get under one's skin!

Your boyfriend seems to be doing a classic projection move—wearing his guilt and fears like a poorly fitted suit. It's not a good look, to be honest. On one hand, he's been in the wrong, and now, he's dancing to the beat of jealousy and mistrust. But darling, it wasn’t just any cha-cha; it was more of a stumble on the dance floor of your relationship.

You responding politely to a congratulatory message from your ex is nowhere near the same galaxy as what he did. It’s like comparing a peck on the cheek to a full-on, steamy tango. However, his reaction screams fear—fear of losing you, fear of you retaliating, and fear of facing his own shadows.

No, you are not in the wrong for feeling miffed. It's like being scolded for nibbling on a cookie when someone else devoured the whole jar. Communication, trust, and understanding are the sexy rhythms that keep a relationship’s dance floor alive. Maybe it's time for a heart-to-heart, where you both lay out your feelings, fears, and desires. After all, a relationship without trust is like a dance without music. Keep the steps honest and the moves genuine, and who knows? You both might just find a rhythm worth dancing to again. 💃🕺