Just because I had 2 past bfs, do I have to be intimate quicker in my next relationship?

[Anonymous]

This is currently my 3rd relationship but we've only been exclusive for a month and he was trying to make further moves. He thought it was weird I was holding back and said ''but (my name) neither of us are even virgins, there is nothing to hold back''. I felt uncomfortable that in just a short time, you're already suppose to be ready.

In my past 2 relationships, I took my time. Both were on the 6th to 7th month mark. When I watch movies, it seems the people are ready immediately after even the 1st date or only two weeks of meeting them and already jumping in bed too fast. In addition, I don't like the idea of just the bedroom taking over the whole relationship. I like spending quality time too, sharing hobbies, going on trips and having an emotional bond.

Ok so I have a low body count. Just because I'm not a virgin, do I have to be ready fast? or be up for it all the times?

Updates

+1 y

The more he was being pushy, the more irritated I felt. The more pushy, the more I don't want it.

[DishLady]

NO. WTF kind of logic is that? If anything, take it slower and make sure that GUY3 is up to your standards. My goodness.

[Asker]

yeah I'm not ready for sex at all. If he isn't happy with this, then it's him that would need to leave. I'm having sex on my own time, when I'm ready and really get to loving the guy. I only like him.

[HelpfulWoman]

nah. its up to you which speed to go in a relationship. a amber/reddish flag that he's trying to rush it himself

[Asker]

Yes I hate being rushed into anything. I don't feel ready for sex right now because it seems too early for me and I'm just getting to know him. I don't like the fact that he expects a sexual relationship too fast.

[AI Opinion]

Oh, love, let me assure you that the speed at which you dive into the deep end of intimacy in your relationship should always be at a pace you're comfortable with! The fact that you've been in relationships before doesn't mean you need to put the pedal to the metal before you're ready in this one. 🏁❤️

Your past experiences do not dictate your present actions, especially when it comes to intimacy. Every relationship is a unique journey, and comparing them to the fast-paced love affairs in movies is like comparing apples to spaceships—not really the same thing, right? 🍏🚀

You're absolutely right to value emotional connection, shared hobbies, and quality time. These are the pillars of a strong relationship, not just the physical aspect. If your current beau is pressing the accelerator, it might be time for a heart-to-heart about expectations and boundaries. Remember, it's not about how fast you go, but how meaningful the journey is together. Keep steering your relationship in the direction that feels right for you! 💑🌟

[Finchie40]

This has to be your decision on what you want to do , no one else can tell you what to do . If you feel you need more time getting to know someone before having sex with them , than that’s your decision, if he doesn’t like it? Than he has a choice as well, he can either stay with you or choose to leave you.. The truth about most of us guys’ is we want sex with a girl we really like , Sex makes us feel closer to a girl because it makes us feel wanted and valued by her , most guys’ will not wait that long to have sex with a girl , if he does? Than he is a rare breed llol or he is probably screwing another girl while waiting for you to spread your legs to him. Most guys’ want a girl that wants to have sex with him and a steady basis , if his sexual wants and needs aren’t being met by a girl , he will either leave her or cheat on her for someone else. I can’t speak for every guy but I can speak for a majority of us , I say us because my ass wouldn’t wait that long to have sex with a girl that I really liked and was attracted not , I have my reasons behind why I feel that way

[Asker]

Yeah I don't function like you guys do. I don't have sex just because I find him cute and like him. If I were doing that, then I would be having sex with whatever guy I find attractive. For me, it's more than just liking him. I have to actually develop a deeper connection and once that happens, I trust him enough to give in to him. Just sex alone isn't going to make me feel appreciated nor wanted.

[Finchie40]

And that’s absolutely fine , I wasn’t implying you are wrong , I was just saying what most guys’ think. Most females don’t look at sex like a guy looks at sex. Check out the one question i asked on here , A women needs to feel loved before making love , A man wants to make love before falling in love. This statement is pretty much accurate in a sense. Most girls’ I have given my heart to , eventually didn’t want to be intimate and affectionate like they use to be in the beginning of the relationship , making lame excuses as to why they were no longer in the mood , making me feel like I was no longer good enough for her , making me feel unloved and unwanted , when all I wanted to do was to be close to her and show my love and respect for her , but my feelings no longer mattered to her , it was all about her and I was just a convenience to her all of a sudden , so I chose to walk away and find myself a girl that didn’t want to with hold intimacy and affection from me. When you girls’ withhold intimacy and affection from your man , you don’t realize the damage you are doing to him , he feels unloved and unwanted , unappreciated , he feels he is no longer important to you , and I’m sorry to say he will more than likely leave you for someone else. Why intimacy and affection is important in a relationship , especially if the relationship started off with a shit ton of intimacy affection.

[Asker]

That's why there is the book by John Gray called Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. The genders indeed are different. While intimacy and affection is important in the relationship, so is communication, respect and trust.
In my past two relationships (both ended amicably; the first we went to different colleges, drifted apart and the 2nd it just naturally ran its course and our goals changed) it wasn't just intimacy but spending quality time together, trips, sharing our hobbies, social gatherings, etc. That's important too. If 80-90% of the time is just spent in the bedroom and it's just frequently sex and passion every single day but only 10-20% spent on emotional bonding and quality time outside of the bedroom, it can feel as if he's just after the sex and not actually loves me as a person, for my other traits, if he actually wants to know me beyond just my body.

[Asker]

Imagine just having steak and chocolates take over the whole dietary regime. It's delicious but you need to eat other things too such as vegetables, soup, fruits, fibers, poultry, fish. You can't feed yourself with just steak and chocolates. Everything has to be a balanced.

[HorrorFan]

This sounds like a communication/compatibility issue. You have the right to function however you want and not have sex before you feel ready to.

However, he also has the right to get frustrated and want sex to be a hell of a lot quicker to happen than something like a 6 or 7 month wait. Asking a person to basically just masturbate to take care of sexual needs over a potential half a year timespan WHILE in a committed relationship is a big ask in today's society.

You should have an actual sit down long conversation where you explain how you feel and how you function and give him the option of walking away if it doesn't work for him instead of just sort of expecting how he functions to sync up with how you function and to only ever bring it up in what essentially amounts to a fight over sex.

There is a very real chance you just aren't compatible. You should be prefacing every relationship from here on out with an upfront explanation of how long you tend to want to wait for sex to happen.

[Asker]

I believe the reason is because I'm really demisexual. I have to develop a deeper connection, to the point I consider him as a very special part of my life. By then I would be getting to the ''being in love'' stage. With my past 2 bfs, I was in love first and then intimacy followed afterwards.

[Anonymous]

You don't owe ANYONE go at YOUR speed. If that's not OK with them, then he's not the right guy for you.

At least you're a woman. I have the opposite problem. Most women I meet/date want to have sex before I'M ready. And how do you think that goes over when you tell a woman that? It's like you just told her you're gay or something. A guy might as well break up right there. Because there is no coming back from that. A guy has to feel comfortable in relationship to... shocking, I know!

[Asker]

I'm sorry to hear what you had to go through. Honestly, no one should be pressured into doing something they don't want to nor are ready for. If you're not ready for sex, you have as much rights to wait too.

[Anonymous]

Ask yourself what the point of this is? The reason why he said what he said, and is pushing for sex is because this thing has no end game, no purpose and is just a case of going through the motions until each party moves on. People have forgotten the purpose and replaced it with a form of serial monogamy. The guy clearly doesn't care about 'pending quality time too, sharing hobbies, going on trips and having an emotional bond.' but what would be the point? He knows it will lead to know where.

[Asker]

yes I see no point in just a pure sexual relationship what was nothing else special and he doesn't share about an emotional bonding nor my feelings as a person..
At just one month of being exclusive, I haven't reach the point of even loving him. I like him but I don't love him.
When he was acting pushy, in comparing to my other two relationship where it was natural and both us wanted... I felt this so unnatural, as if you're being forced or pressured into something you don't want to.

[Asker]

I tend to be demisexual and actually can't do it if I feel pressured and without a close bond, more than just pure sex

[SotiCoto]

6 to 7 months before you even attempt sex is certainly an excessive quantity of time. Most guys would assume something was wrong after 1 month. It isn't a matter of being a virgin or not.

It seems like you're making too big a deal of it. I'm not even sure if it is about sex. If you can't get used to someone's company within a month or so, what do you even want out of them?

[Asker]

But I don't even love him yet. I can't just have sex just because I like him while not fully knowing him well nor developing a deeper close bonding. It's something so personal. I'm really demisexual and it takes me time to get to the intimacy level.
A month sounds too early for me. To get an idea of how it feels like, imagine someone asking for a personal information too early. That's how it feels like to me. That is too early and too fast for me. I'm not even there yet.

[Asker]

It's not that I'm making a big deal out of it, but rather it feels forced and unnatural when he was being too pushy on it. Imagine you're not hungry at all and someone is trying to force feed you, that's exactly how I felt like.

[Anonymous]

You can have sex one year, one month, one week in, timing doesn’t matter. Why? Because if he isn’t well intended then he’s not going to stick around no matter what. I know you’re saying that you don’t want sex to take over your relationship, but what about your dynamic with him makes you think that’s going to happen? If it’s your fears from repeating the past or something then you gotta let that go. This is a completely new person deserving of a clean slate just as you are.

[Asker]

What I mean is while physical intimacy is important too and part of a relationship, it shouldn't take over the whole cake. I've heard this happening at all. One of my friends complained to me about this. Ever since she had sex with her boyfriend, the guy was suddenly coming late at night to her house, they would rarely go out on the weekends and too much time was spent in the bedroom, too much time on sex and less time outside. Their relationship become overly physical to the point she felt used. She missed the old times when they would share quality time or go to the movies, skating on the weekends.

[Asker]

My friend said her boyfriend suddenly changed ever since they had sex. It wasn't the same anymore. He would also give excuses of not hanging outside.

[Opinion Owner]

Question, why are you applying every other persons experience to your own? That’s how relationships get destroyed, because rather than acting on what you’ve learned about him as a person, you’re using tv, friends and outside experiences aside from your own as references in your your decision-making when that’s not always the best choice. Advice can be listened to and considered, but not always meant to be internalized because what applies to them may not apply to you. Not everyone’s experience is going to be yours. Like even when I specifically asked you what about your dynamic with him makes you think this is going to happen, you listed no points and instead pointed to everyone else, including past lovers when this is an whole new person.

[Asker]

I know you’re saying that you don’t want sex to take over your relationship, but what about your dynamic with him makes you think that’s going to happen?

The fact that he acted pushy about it in just one month. Then his comment about us not being virgins. He thinks that just because I'm not a virgin, I'm suppose to be ready earlier.

[Opinion Owner]

So if you’re still getting to know this guy, then why be in an official relationship yet? I waited 3 months before getting into mine, just because I know what the expectation becomes ones there’s a title in place. I’m not saying to rush things along, of course, but just to ask yourself how realistically long that both you’d like to wait and want him to wait as well. I think his talking point about neither of you being virgins wasn’t meant to be offensive but trying to understand “why” the wait now that you’re together. Now if he’s being pushy and making you uncomfortable then take the title off, go back to dating and take things slower.

[Asker]

I don't have an exact timeframe into it. It's when I felt comfortable and feel it's naturally happening. I'm going to discusss this further with him. I'm not even in the ''I'm in love with you'' stage yet. I only like him.

[Opinion Owner]

Of course you don’t love him, let alone be in love with him it’s only been a month. But yes, I’d definitely say it’s worth a conversation about what the expectations are. Like if he’s really wanting and right now and you’re not then end it, before you actually do love him and it would be much harder.

[Opinion Owner]

**really wanting sex right now

[BetaBucks]

Only if you're still banging one of your exes. I'm sure everyone can figure out why, without me having to explain this.

[Asker]

Nope exes are exes. I don't believe in friendships with exes. Unless someone has a child with an ex, the past should remain in the past.
I just feel my current boyfriend was being pushy and trying to rush the physical aspect that it didn't feel natural.

[Asker]

I hate being rushed into anything. I feel the timing is too early to be honest and that I'm still trying to get to know him more.