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My wife always wants more after work massages! ❤️
I wish that all men could really and truly know that they have great value. I wish they could shake off the baggage of being unemotional, tough guys and understand that their greatest strength is in the emotional reservoir that they have been told is shameful.
If I could wave a magic wand, I would wave away their insecurities and fear of vulnerability. I would give them permission to express the range of emotions, instead of only one or two (permitted by society under extreme circumstances).
Problem is when guy's do that, women fall out of love with them and see their partner is weak and unattractive.
Showing vulnerability around women has done nothing but get me hurt. For a lot of men, the reason they have trouble letting their guard down is because the moment they do, they get stabbed in the back. Even though I know it's not usually the case, it feels like when women say they want us to let our emotions out and show vulnerability, they're just looking for a weapon to use against us when it's convenient for them. While yes, it would be nice to have the knives that are sticking out of us removed, we're afraid of having them twisted instead.
To be fair, Pepper, we all have some baggage and insecurities. Being vulnerable and opening your heart up to another person is hard for anyone. Just guys tend to only see when THEY are vulnerable. in my opinion they don't allow themselves that luxury once they've been vulnerable and burned before, so by the time they're... I don't know, 22? 24? ... they're a bit jaded.
Thanks for the responses. Wow! This is great, guys.
I don't think I clarified what I meant well enough. Keep in mind that what I am going to share applies to women as well, but since this question is about men I am responding in that context. Let me try again:
When I am talking about these things (vulnerability, tough guy attitude, insecurities, emotions, etc.), I am talking about it in the context of how men view themselves, not necessarily what they share with others. That's not something that needs to be shared with me or anyone, really, it's just an opportunity for curiosity for them, to feel free to self-examine without fear of what they will find
when they face themselves. Men (from what I have observed) generally want to see themselves, and be seen, as courageous, champions, winners, but if they self-examine, it's a truly terrifying thing to potentially encounter the opposite.
My wish that men would no longer have the fear of being vulnerable is not external, but internal. I wish they could realize that they hold the power to choose who they will be, to choose to sit with the discomfort instead of slamming on the armor. They can choose to not allow the sense of failure to dictate their entire identity, for example. Some men are able to do this subconsciously and are genuine, well-adjusted, resilient people. Their ability to do so often has to do with others who spoke into their life at early ages and positively encouraged and supported them.
One of the emotions that seems to be commonly expressed by men, both publicly and privately, is anger. But anger is kind of a catch-all emotion, and often when we dig, we find that it's more complex than just plain old anger. Not always, but in men (or people) who are angry all the time, it's something worth noting.
Here's a video that might also give some clarity:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e257BL851Uw
I don't understand why anyone has issues being emotionally vulnerable.
You have to be to get anything you want in life. Stoicism and apathy are the death of desire, and without desire, life is pointless.
For me, I can't be emotionally vanuerable or the bad women at work sense it. They pounce on you tease you and use you. Especially the higher ups make it so I just help my nice7 coworkers who actually care and would help back.
God forbid you share anything personal! The whole world knows it.
@BetaBucks No, why the hell would that even be a thought? 🤨
I don't even make friends with anyone that has that kind of idiotic mentality, let alone date them.
The type of women I get along with are the intellectual artistic and science oriented gamers (aka what most call hot/cute nerds/geeks).
The type you're describing is what most people call "bitches", and I do not associate with that type of woman.
@TheSpaceGnome the problem is that it's hard to tell beforehand. Of course you wouldn't make friends with someone with that mentality, IF you knew they were like that. But people are good at hiding that sort of thing, especially women, and they can keep it hidden for a long time before they find someone else.
@Serkee I do not get into a relationship until I've been friends with her for at least 3 years, so by the time i've decided she's a keeper, I already know everything about her and confirmed it.
If she's not bubbly and silly and clingy and kind hearted and an open book, I'm not going to be friends with her for very long. I tend to drift apart from most friends I make, it has to feel like best friends/"family" or I just end up spending less and less time with then until its zero time.
Outside of those sorts of close nit friendships, I keep to myself, so its not like I'm going on dates with strangers and hoping for the best (or some other crazy nonsense).
@BetaBucks @dragoblack @Serkee @RyanK9b @CuriousHubby I hear that. I don't mean to spill your guts with others necessarily, we all know it's foolish and naive to overshare with people we aren't certain are trustworthy. My point was more that I wish guys could be vulnerable with their own areas of weakness (within themselves). Like, being honest about things that make them uncomfortable or scared or feel like they are not enough. If those fears and insecurities are faced instead of suppressed, they become less threatening. We can learn that just because we did something idiotic, it doesn't have to become our entire identity.
All that to say, I loaned my wand to another fairy, who said she just needed to borrow it for a few hours on behalf of her goddaughter who desperately wanted to go to a royal ball. I asked her where hers went, and she claimed it was stolen by trolls. I couldn't say no, so I loaned her mine. We'll see if she returns it or not, she's rather careless and I had reservations about it...
TheRealPepperPotts I think for the most part guys are plenty open and honest within ourselves, we just aren't able to let that out at all. We have no outlet. Growing up we're taught (mainly by other kids, not by our parents) that the only socially acceptable emotion to show is anger. And as we get older, that one emotion that we know how to show is now demonized, and we're left with no other option than to hold everything in, not letting anyone else see anything. I know it's unhealthy, but the only people I feel comfortable and safe talking openly to are my parents, and strangers online that I'll never meet. Anyone else can and will use that as a weapon to hit me where it hurts the most. And a lot of guys don't even have their parents to talk openly to.
@Serkee I mostly agree with what you said. There's a lot of truth to that. It grieves me that guys don't have quality support with their relationships. I wish I did actually have a magic wand for that.
My thought following up on that is, why does it hurt? Why is it so important to hold it in, and what is that telling us (I'm thinking rhetorically here, no need to answer that). How is whatever it is going to affect us? Have we really processed through it, or are we stuffing inside in our vault of deep, dark secrets? Have we accepted it as valid and OK in our own mind?
My personal battle is fighting my own shame over things in my past, and yet, when I face it, I think "Yeah, that was bad. But it isn't the only part of me that makes up who I am as a person". I am kind of processing out loud here, so bear with me. I am thinking that how we relate to others is driven by both our experiences and how we think about ourselves. For example, if we think that sharing our fear of turtles is shameful, that is reinforced when we are shamed by someone who exposes us. But if we think our fear of turtles is valid and personal, we can address it with them and call them on it in a thoughtful way.
I think it's a great conversation, at any rate. I'd never suggest someone offer their most vulnerable side casually, though.
@TheRealPepperPotts When we reveal our vulnerabilities and insecurities to someone we trust, then they attack those vulnerabilities to hurt or manipulate us, that's what hurts. It confirms all the dark thoughts we have about ourselves, and devastates our self esteem. Especially when it's the person who encouraged us to be more open and show our emotions, and the person we feel we should be able to tell anything to. Of course I'm not talking about all or even most women when I say this, but a lot of women lose interest the moment they see a weak side to us, or they attack those weaknesses to manipulate us. When that happens to a guy even once, we tend to just close off and seal our emotions away from everyone for a long time. Outwardly we show that we're over it and moving on right away, but we still think about it every night in bed for years. It gives me headaches how intensely I think about it on my way to and from work. And I can't tell anybody in my life, not even my family or friends, because I know exactly the responses I'll get. It's all empty affirmations and encouraging words from people I know don't understand, and I can't even tell that to them because I know it'll sound insulting or accusatory. Even all that aside, the moment I start vocalizing how I feel about myself to anyone I'll break down in tears, and feel even weaker and more pathetic than before. It really feels like there's no way out of this.
I feel like there's not actually a universal flaw amongst all men? Like, there are some common ones like poor emotional intelligence/regulation, hygiene habits, or listening/communication skills, etc. But none of these are actually an "all men" sort of thing and usually aren't even things that the guys couldn't work on in their own right if they had the motivation to. I've met men that display the opposite of all these flaws.
Still, I think the one that frustrates me the most and that I see quite often in some of the men around me specifically is lack of empathy/narrow-mindedness. I don't need someone to pay my bills or clean my house for me, I need someone capable of empathizing with myself and the people around us, and who's willing to admit if he's wrong or if there's more than one valid solution to a problem/way to understand an experience. I think if you have empathy and an open mind then most other flaws become more manageable because you become open to managing them.
And obviously that goes for both men and women, as I mentioned, it's not actually a "men" issue.
Agree to narrow minded but most is kinda down to society!
Rarely do you ever hear a man go my parents told me to... Be clean... Parents just scream go shower and rub this or spray this to both guys and girls.
Girls only care cause they judge each other hard in school.
I see so many say "men should show more emotion"... here is why we don't do that... because you all find it super unattractive when put in practice. When a man shows emotions, women see guys as weak and unattractive, treating guy differently once they see a guys vulnerable side. She becomes rude, standoffish, and has a higher likelihood to cheat, because she doesn't find him attractive anymore.
As for "listening " we do when you're straightforward with us, but women have this horrible habit of putting subtext to words, instead of just being honest and meaning exactly what they say.
Men have trust issues because of the lack of honesty and lack of being able to be vulnerable to anyone but their guy friends.
Don’t change all men…. Find whose right for you. What’s right for one perosn isn’t another. People who want to change the entire other sex are pathetic people
Oh, aiming to hit the sweet spot of change, I see! 😉 If I were to sprinkle a little magic dust and change one thing in all men, inspired by my profession and personal insights, it would be boosting their emotional vocabulary. Imagine a world where every guy could articulate his feelings as smoothly as he discusses sports or his favorite TV series. Now, adding your wife's request into the mix, it seems like she's onto something fab with those after-work massages. Combining emotional openness with the art of relaxation? That's a love potion right there! 💫 Love is in the details, after all. So, why not whip up some emotional expressiveness with a side of pampering? Sounds like a winning combo to me!
Something Fab?
Is that a new word or is the ai guy gay?
Good way to phrase the first part. Improve emotional vocabulary!
geez you're right :)
Opinion
4Opinion
If I have to pick just one… I’d love for all guys to know that “less ego, more mindfulness” isn’t a call to abandon your masculinity, it’s just a request to consider varying perspectives before charging forward on something.
If I can have a second, it would be for guys to be more upfront in relationships... (and about wanting/not wanting one).
(Some guys have these gifts, which is great, but rare.)
Agree! This I can fully get behind. There are some men like this but they are hard to find. Usually teased about being this way.
@kylee2437 Exactly.
Because men feel like if they tell the woman what he actually wants she will run away. And it's often true, because he just wants sex. No commitment. So if we get away from hook up culture and go back towards men having to earn a sexual relationship with intentional commitment then that clarity of intention becomes built in to the system
@Grond21 Is that really ALWAYS the only thing men want? If that was the case, no man would ever marry, right? Also, looking around, there are many, MANY girls who are "DTF" as well. It's just a matter of the "hookup" guy meeting the "hookup" girl.
The problem is when Mr. Hookup suddenly decides that if he IS going to marry he then needs to do it with the non-hookup girl... or vice versa with the girl wanting the non-hookup guy... When that happens, those of us who are opposed to the hookup end up on our own and these other folks end up with good people... then cheating... and propagating a big moral and emotional mess.
@DishLady Hookup culture is just part of lowbrow culture. Smart men want a lifelong marriage with a woman who shares all his hobbies, interests, and views. Otherwise he just gets stuck with child support payments, STDs, and loneliness.
Anyone who thinks hookup culture has less consequences than marriage is delusional. Make no mistake, casual sex WILL destroy your life. Its not an if, its a when..
@DishLady Most of us commitment oriented men are married by age 25, unless they are like me and very picky, in which case most women are not of interest and we would rather be alone than with anything less than the perfect match.
The problem is you waited too long, most of the ones still single are going to be idiots who already screwed up their life in some way. My odds are no better though, yet I retain my wait for the perfect wife. Roughly 0.2% of single women in my age group in the US match my criteria according to various sources. But I only need 1 of them, and most women who are my type are not included in any statistic because they don't use the devices or services that count them, so thats irrelevant.
Your solution to ruling out the lowbrows is just don;t open your legs until after marriage, and don't marry until after being best friends for 3 years. The good guys don't want to risk pregnancy on a woman who will maybe fuck then over, so if he asks for sex sooner, its a red flag, and you should ditch him immediately.
them*
Moral to the story? pick your friends wisely.
@DishLady you are right, it's definitely not all men. But the lack of clarity and commitment is most often seen in those hookup men who just want sex. They are the last ones who will communicate clearly as long as they feel like that confusion leads towards them using her for sex in the way he wants. And of course they poison the well for the rest of us. Which is similar to how many women will use men for their bank account and then poison the well for other women.
I am waiting till marriage, and happily so. Sex is very important, which is as it should be. But it should never be divorced from marriage or a proper healthy relationship.
Someone told me a line ones which I will always remember. In relationships of usury, men will give emotional connection in order to get sex and women will give sex in order to get emotional connection.
@Grond21 Actually, hook-up and catfishing types can be either the very vague guys who seem shady bc they evade direct questions OR they can be the guy who overshares in quick, extreme bursts to gain a girl's trust or confidence then vanish once they get "what they want" from the girl.
Yes, I get that this poisons the waters, but at this point the waters are so polluted there doesn't seem to be a means of finding the non-toxic, non-faking, no-bs sort of guy.
And yes, there are she-devils, I dare say, who are MORE than willing to use their sexuality to get into a guy's PANTS POCKETS by getting into his pants first. (There are also make versions of this... I was married to one... No further comment.)
We just all need to be more vigilant in who we let into our lives, and yet everything today is increasingly virtual -- there are even apps to fake what a person's voice sounds like, so you could be chatting the wrong person up... COMPLETELY existential.
You're right, in theory, about waiting. But some folks wait and save themselves only to be married to someone who wasn't worth their efforts, who doesn't know their value, etc.
Yes, actually that's a very wise thing to say. It's not always 100% accurate. but it's def around 75%-80% accurate!
One thing I really like about your approach is you are admitting of a lot of variations of nuance. It is too easy these days to paint everything with a broad brush, and I can fall into that sometimes. Thank you for the reminder.
I agree with everything you said. Ultimately we have to get really good filters to not let bad people and toxic relationships into our lives. I'm sorry you had to deal with one
@Grond21 I just know too many people at this point in my life -- "the good, the bad and the ugly" so to speak -- and these things aren't gender-specific. Some people are moral and some are simply self-serving deviants.
Yes, I know the temptation to make sweeping generalizations (that's the formal term for the "broad brush" perspective) is always there because it's just easier to follow that logic. A lot of people do this.
If you find a good filter, lmk. They're not at any of the shops by me. 😂 😂 😂
Be well. I think it's high time we stop spamming @curioushubby's question.
That is fair. Admitting all the different nuances the human race is subject to.
Yes, thank you. It is easier
The more mature you are, the more you understand proper relating, the harder it is for you to be deceived. That's one of the best filters I've found so far
Sounds like a plan. Thanks for the good talk
Listening! When a girl is opening her mouth, suggesting things , it’s because she wants them! But lots of men don’t understand that a woman suggesting, is them not doing something that is actually needed to keep the relationship healthy and balanced.
True to an extent! Also women want us to mind read who h she wants out of the 5 things she suggests we get her for her birthday.
Not all women want to share what she wants.
@curiousHubby it’s because women actually want the simplest things but men over complicate what a woman wants. A man will over complicate a woman’s suggestions. I’ve had it done to me a whole bunch. Had an ex get offended because I wanted him to please me more in bed, instead of just doing it. List goes on
That goes both ways but yes men can overcomplicate it sometimes.
That example is more just him being awful and taking offense. A good man will listen and ask how can he better please her.
Head guys say the girlfriend will say you should know to often with things.
Men can be hard headed but women are too
When a girl is opening her mouth she is asking for me to shove my cock in it.
There is no point in her opening it for any other reason. Lol
Make them have more empathy and be able to show their emotions
I picked chores. I don't expect him to clean the entire house or build a new addition but pick up after yourself and do things I physically can't! And don't feel I owe you something on the one occasion you load the dishwasher, because you did it wrong anyway! 😜
Yes and ooo that last part! Is my wife!
🤣🤣🤣 We do appreciate the effort but it's funny how he'll brag about it and I end up rearranging it. He vacuums and is done in three minutes! I would actually rather do the house cleaning and he does the yard work lol
Amen! There is a right way to do something and we love them trying but we have to fix it after.
Like when my sisters daughter does any chores! Then gets praise but they have to redo it no matter what. She tried
Difficult to pick because what one lacks another one will have.
I want all men to recognize their worth and not give sluts a chance. Our society's become so sexualized. Sleeping around is a thing. But men who want a good relationship. Don't give people the chance who don't deserve it.
Raise the standards bar so the girls playing around get shoved to the side. Less mind games for no reason, no spoiled deluded expectations. Back to men being men.
Same with the boys playing games, we should push them to the side
I would strip them of the feminine energy that society has been soaking them in. Men need to be men, not strong girls.
Amen so agree! Men need to be men and raised by men! We need men and fathers to step up! Not this stepping out they do and running off!
My manly friends all learned to be a man from a friend uncle or grand father!
Nothing against single moms they do amazing! But there needs to be a good manly role model.
It doesn't apply to all since I have met men who were fully capable of it but I also have met men who lack it.
I guess to learn and have a little more empathy here and there? Just a suggestion
Great suggestion
Their lusts, I would want to change it and make them normal rather than always being animals hunting for kitties
So agree! Lust and love changes people! They don't act right!
Most men fail miserably at communicating.
Several do
I’d change them by making them stand up dads always at all cost for the next 19000 years, sole care takers to the cleaning, relationship tending, cooking and children’s meals and clothing and activities. They wouldn’t be allowed to express their exhaustion or discomfort and must always be perfect performing fathers and homemakers.
Doesn't matter what you think I want to hear, or what I want to hear. Be honest with me, and have my back. Hash X out with me. Encourage me, especially when it counts. Don't discourage me.
Cause I'l do the exact same thing for you.
Empathy. A greater capacity to empathize with women. So much shit would be solved if they just had a greater capacity to care and empathize
Don't agree! women can empathize but most don't even with other ladies in need or they use it as a weapon! Especially in the work place or Thier relationship.
Your mother is not the best example
Funny? No one laughed or chuckled! Your words must often be useless often so you insult right after any one says anything.
To empathize we need to understand. Far too often we're expected to just know what women are thinking or what they want without being told. Our brains just don't work that way. Men aren't nearly as good as women at reading emotions, we need to be told flat-out what you're feeling or we're completely oblivious. I want to be empathetic, but I don't know how if I don't know what someone is feeling.
I would change their ability to remove their feelings to separate love from sex. Give them more emotions and empathy.
Kinda true I know several women who don't have feelings with sex. This social norm of non attached free sex needs to end. It's never healthy.
Yeah for sure its shitty people live that way.
@RyanK9b It takes skill in communication to be liked in society period. If you are anyone with out good communication skills you won't be liked. I know, since I was bullied most my school life until I learned to communicate with others. All you have to do is be able to communicate properly, that goes for both genders. Man whores are dirty and I don't like dating men who get around, if a guy slept with someone I know he is written off for life. Even if he was potentially someone I would have liked. I have standards, I don't give a fuck if a guy can get girls, my dad could get whatever girls he wanted too but the reason he did that was to fill the void that he never felt good enough. So most man whores are whores because they lack something deep inside themselves that they think they somehow gain by collecting a high body count.
Like how Ryan is making no sense and just insulting. You earned a block and quickly proved why yours single and bitter.
Sorry peachy pie 🥧
Thats a stupid question. Because women will list everything what find they are attractive in the first place or leads to a attractive trait.
A good example how women sabotage themselves
That's true when he does massage i am totally down and ready for him to explore haha
Make them more romantic and caring and kissing and affectionate
Agree more romance or even romance classes... Less tinder dates expecting.
multitasking
you suck at it
Some men really do!
Have compassion. It takes strength.
Agree
You can never go wrong paying her bills and being her personal maid.
This is a question for women, sissy! lol I know you have probably identified as one, I've heard how you you dress in a French maid outfit and clean houses but you still have a penis, even if it is barely visible.
Negative, it says, "Ladies, what would be one thing you would change in all men"? Are you a lady? You can reply to opinions but how could you leave one of you're not a ladies? Don't argue with me!
@Laciejordan Yes, ma'am; I view that minor discrepancy as more of a technicality than anything else. When someone wants to restrict the responses to women only, they'll eliminate the blue field that indicates the number of comments from guys. For example, that East Indian guy, 'Logemer', or something, posts virtually every question as 'women only'. I'll find one of his questions and and post it here.
Men can comment but sissys are not men! They are just gross making every one uncomfortable! 😣
You need your woman if you can comment! Pretty much no sissy ever has a real woman.
Okay, I told you not to argue with me but you did! You're blocked! Three days!
Need to ask her
3 days blocked? Never met a girl who did that before?
I can't take this anymore! I damn near passed out from laughing!
@ChiTown33 I knew that sounded familiar! Seinfeld. I was wondering where I heard that before. Lol
😂😂😂 Sorry she blocked you, Bill but don't feel bad, I block Wally two, maybe three times a month. You need to remember, girls can be emotional and demand you agree with us! Whether we're right or wrong 😉 This made me laugh.
@Beckybooboo Yes, ma'am, thank you very much.
@Billlewis Okay, Bill, I unblocked you for the weekend. Consider this your "probationary period"! I didn't know there was an option to make it "Girls" only or "Guys" only! This definitely isn't an apology, because I wasn't wrong! Let's just call it a misunderstanding and yes, I do accept your apology. Let's just forget about it and move on.
@Laciejordan Yes, ma'am, thank you very much. Please tell me if this is the way I should view your questions and comments --
-- rule number one -- Goddess Lacie is always right.
-- rule number two -- even if I think that technically, my opinion is closer to being factual, rule number one still applies.
@Billlewis No, you can disagree with me but just be prepared to get blocked. I don't want you to look like a complete and total wimp in front of everyone! I get embarrassed for you at times and lose respect for you. 🤣🤣
Hmm not many women said chores - lazy men
Communication. #1 reason relationships fail
Because that is so important
So important they featured it!
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