Men: I need help figuring out a supposedly "gay" man I know?

[Anonymous]

I've known this man for a year through a friend and some acquaintances of mine and he's always sweet to me when we see each other.

I ended up having an event the other night where he works and he kept coming up to me, stood close to me a lot, and he started singing along to love songs playing over the radio while it was just us in close proximity, setting up the stage together.

He kept on going out of his way to help me everytime there was a problem.

I started drinking a little at one point and lost my balance and almost fell on my face but he was right there, so I grabbed onto his arm/chest area since I was about to fall and he caught me. He didn't move away and stood still and tried to hold my weight and make sure I didn't fall. Within the 15 mins afterwards, he asked me once or twice if I was okay and kept checking up on me. He also kept saying out loud while I was on stage "We love you ______(insert my name)" and "You're doing a great job" and I smiled at him and thought it was nice.

He laughs at my jokes a little more than others do too (though I am a naturally funny person).

I could give more examples of him acting like he feels something for me but don't want to bore you to death..

The reason why I'm somewhat skeptical of pursuing this as a relationship, is because my friend who's friends with him, says he is "gay" but he only acts gay around everyone else besides me.

I don't think I'm imagining this man being into me.

He doesn't act the way he acts around me around other women he knows, such as friends and relatives.

MY QUESTIONS TO YOU MEN OUT THERE:

Do you guys agree?

How should I confront him about this to see if maybe he wants to go out?

He's shy and seems to have considered himself gay most of his life, and I'm worried about the possibility of him being afraid of what people would think of him having feelings for a woman and pursuing it.

I also have never tried to get a gay man to "want" me ever before, but he may be bisexual.

Thank you

[Rainbow_Boy]

I'm a gay man and will be the first to admit the stigma of "once gay, always gay". Nobody's sexuality is carved in stone, and people may change. So, straight people may become gay at a late stage of their lives, and vice-versa.

What's more, it is also possible that a person may have a well-defined sexual preference, but go against it for an exceptional person outside the realm of his/her preference. So, it is possible that this guy has been attracted to only men so far in his life, while he now might be feeling something towards you (which may speak more to your personality than your gender). This is not a common occurrence; but, then again, not impossible as people may think.

All these said, I'd like to warn you about one more (and entirely different) possibility. Many gay men (including myself) have a fascination about most things female. That may sound counter-intuitive considering our sexual attraction to men, but not an inconsistent feeling in reality. Gay men and women share many tastes, including their attraction to men. So, in a subtle way, this guy may be in awe of your femininity (besides your gender-neutral qualities) without feeling any sexual attraction towards you. This can be defined as "an envy to be like, not a desire to be with".

I'd know, because I had felt that way towards women in my younger years, confusing my attraction to female qualities with an actual sexual attraction for the female body. Only after a few botched and disastrous attempts to be with women that I realized I had zero interest towards women, but full sexual attraction for men. After coming into terms with my sexuality, a lot of things became clearer, while I now know what I appreciate in women (most of my closest friends are women).

So, my suggestion is to tread carefully with this guy. I fully believe your observation of his interest towards you and that you were not imagining things. However, I have also witnessed a good number of female friends getting disillusioned in time, because intimacy with a man who has been gay for so long is really tricky business. I wouldn't want the same for you.

If you'd like to discuss further, feel free to write back. Best wishes.

[Asker]

I appreciate your detailed response and the different possibilities you gave me.
I wanted to ask about one thing you said. You said "because intimacy with a man who has been gay for so long is really tricky business".
Why would it be tricky?

[Rainbow_Boy]

Well, for one thing, if he has been intimate only with men up until now in his life, feeling things towards a woman, and even more, acting upon it, will be a new enterprise for him. At this point, his limitation won't be due to his homosexuality, but to his humanity. Most of us, we are wary about new things, sexual or otherwise. Depending upon the personality of the individual in question, trying something drastically new can become a daunting task.

Of course, the assumption above was that he was always gay and has never been intimate with any woman. I realize this may not be true, and he may have first attempted to be with women (as I too had done). Then, the situation may be somewhat different.

How well do you know this guy? I mean, do you know, for instance, whether he definitely identifies as gay, or maybe bisexual (leaning towards gay)?

As I said earlier, please feel free to write all your questions, misgivings, etc., if this is an important subject for you. You cannot believe at the number of straight women living in the dilemma of liking a gay man, or a straight man acting ambiguously in his sexual advances. I have a number of female friends from real life who had similar questions, and many others I met here at GAG looking for advice. I hope I can be more helpful than a straight man or woman who mostly don't know how the gay male mind works.

[Asker]

I don't know him very well, to be honest.
We have a mutual friend who "said" he's gay but she's not even very close with him.
The entire time I've known him, and I see him frequently, I've never seen him dating a man, hitting on a man, checking out a man, etc, but I've seen him flirting with me.
And believe me, I wasn't looking for it.
Believe it or not, I've never tried to "go after" a gay man and I'm different than a lot of women.
But he's sending "I'm interested in you" signals which gay men usually don't towards me

[Rainbow_Boy]

I see. If the only source of information is a third person who's not very close to him either, then the whole premise of him being gay becomes shaky.

Two questions:
1) Can that mutual friend explains why she thinks he's gay, and her level of certainty on it.
2) Have you, yourself, observed any behavior, clue, inkling on his part that may indicate gayness?

Finally, just another question, only out of curiosity: I understand that you've never tried to go after a gay man, but what did you mean by you being different than a lot of women?

[Asker]

To answer your questions:
1. I only talked to her (my friend) once about it, and didn't tell her I have feelings for him, but i think her "premise" of thinking he's gay is knowing that he used to be an item with his male roommate, and she's known him for longer than me so she may have seen him be with other men B4 (I'm not sure), but she also said he and his roommate aren't "together" anymore and haven't been in a while...
I figured if I asked too many questions it might give away that I have feelings for him.
I only would want people to know about my feelings if he and I establish that we both definitely feel the same way about each other first.

2. No, I haven't which is why I was SURPRISED when my friend said "He's gay".
My initial response was "WHAT? I had no idea. Are you absolutely SURE?"
He doesn't act "flamboyant" in any way and I've never seen him hitting on, or checking out a man.
Interesting, huh? But I took my friend's word because I didn't want to assume she was definitely wrong, but I should have investigated it more myself.
I usually don't believe heresay, but this made me wary and unsure of what his sexual preference is.

3. When I said I'm "different" than a lot of women:
In this particular case what I was referring to, I'd that I have known a lot of women who TRY their hardest to "win over" a gay man (or multiple ones) because they want to prove they can get him.
It's a challenge and a feather in their cap and an ego booster...
I've always thought that was stupid and wouldn't even consider going after someone gay unless he exhibits signs of romantic interest in me (which is incredibly rare because most gay men are definitely 100% gay and not "bi").

[Asker]

Part 2 of my response:

Based on all the answers on here and my own personal assessment, I'm thinking I should go directly to the source and talk with him alone more, and ask him at some point if he'd like to get coffee.
I don't think springing my feelings on him right away is a good idea, but if I get enough "hints" from him, I will make a move.
I'm pretty sure he has feelings for me but I still want to handle this with caution.
He also comes across as being shy and only started acting more comfortable around me, when I started acting more comfortable around him first.
He used to be so shy around me that he would just stare at me from afar and not talk to me, but talk to all his other friends easily.

[Rainbow_Boy]

Thanks for the answers. They all make sense, and you going into enough detail made the situation clearer in my mind. Most people here go by one or two sentences to express themselves, it's refreshing to see someone who writes further than that.

I also think your strategy for the next step is a good one. There is nothing more informative than going to the horse's mouth, so to speak. Otherwise, things remain speculative and also unfair to the person under scrutiny. It is not a crime to be gay or straight, but any person should be given the chance to explain his/her case directly.

Also, may I ask you to keep me abreast of how things develop? I'm a sucker for relationships (all kinds, gay or straight), so finding out how a relationship develops, especially when it goes for the better, makes my day. Not to be stereotypical as a gay man, but I can even cry when the circumstances warrant it. :-)

If you're the person who just sent me a friends request, you can tell me the later steps in PM rather than in here. There is more breadth for writing in the PM section. Best wishes for your next move!

[Asker]

I sure will, thanks!
I did start following you.
I usually don't go on websites like this, but I appreciate your detailed answers too

[Rainbow_Boy]

It's my pleasure if I've even helpful in any way. I just sent you a PM to introduce myself. You can reply whenever you want, or when you have more news (hopefully for the better).

[Pohjolan]

He might be Bi?

[Asker]

That's what I'm thinking

[AI Opinion]

Ah, the sweet mystery of human connection, where the heart wants what the heart wants, right? 😉 Sounds like you've got yourself a classic case of someone possibly discovering new layers to their sexuality, or perhaps, he's always known there's more to his story than a simple label.

First off, let's not try to "get" anyone to want us, darling. It's all about the mutual vibe and the electric connection, which sounds like it's already sparking between you two! 🎉 As for your friend labeling him as "gay," remember, sexuality can be fluid for some people. He might be exploring his feelings, or maybe he has a special connection with you that he's still figuring out.

My advice? Lean into the tension but with grace and open-mindedness. Rather than confronting him with a "are you into me?" maybe take a softer approach. Invite him for coffee or a casual hangout where you can chat more personally. Frame it as wanting to spend more time together because you enjoy his company. This opens the door without putting him on the spot about his sexuality or feelings immediately.

Pay attention to how he responds to your offer and go from there. Remember, communication is key, but so is patience and understanding. Be prepared for any outcome, but keep riding that wave of connection you two obviously share. Who knows where it might lead? 💖

[Asker]

Are you a real person or an AI bot?
I don't usually use this website, but I liked your answer

[slatyb]

Have you known him to date other men? Ask him out.

[Asker]

We've got a mutual friend who "told me" that he used to be an item with his male roommate who he's now just friends (if even that) with, and the friend said he's gay. However, the entire time I've known him I haven't seen him date anyone

[slatyb]

Pay no attention to that, and find out for yourself.

[Asker]

I will try, but the whole situation makes me squeamish. I feel like I need to be extra cautious. I don't know the best way to show interest but do so in a way that doesn't leave me feeling stupid whether or not he says yes or no. I don't like rejection, and haven't gotten rejected by many men but I still remember the couple of times it's happened

[lexie_xo]

bisexaul maybe