When I say I believe in traditional relationships, I mean that I value long-term commitment, stability, and a strong emotional bond between partners. In such relationships,
I personally believe in traditional relationships, which means I value long-term commitment, loyalty, and building a strong foundation with one person. For me, relationships are about emotional depth, trust, and working together toward shared goals, such as marriage and family. Because of this, I'm not afraid of commitment—rather, I welcome it. I see it as an essential part of creating a lasting and meaningful connection, where both partners invest in each other for the long haul. Commitment isn't something that feels limiting or daunting; instead, it’s a source of security and growth for the relationship.
Are you afraid of commitment? If so, why? And if not, what makes you feel confident about it?
Committing to somebody is a scary thing I agree with most of your values for marriage the scary thing is that many people aren’t wanting those things but they do pretend they do for some reason or another.
You just want to be sure that someone’s the right person. Some people future fake (not committing but saying they will) to string somebody along because they really want someone else but need them to fall back on if nothing else works out.
But there is the other extreme as well of someone trying to lock down marriage way too soon before those bonds, strong foundations, etc. are fully developed. People marry just to have kids, financial reasons, appearance purposes, social status, and the list goes on. But pretend to genuinely love somebody. That’s such a sad reality so that can be scary too.
Whether someone’s future faking or rushing things too fast. There are red flags that some people don’t see because they’re too into the illusion they’re putting on. By the time you see this person for who they are irs too late.
@Maybe_Maybe_not it is because people make this imaginary person up whose too perfect. So once they start seeing their imperfections later on it can lead to resentment. Because you’re not the person I thought you were.
@Maybe_Maybe_not well nobody is perfect that’s why it’s good to genuinely get to know someone to see if you’re compatible or fall in love for who someone really is or not
I'd say I'm not afraid enough and that can be a problem haha, to put things in an humorous way.
On a still humorous note, I feel obliged to say that naming such relationship as "traditional" is slightly misleading. I'd find it more accurate to name them long-term relationships to encompass all possibilities, to encompass possibilities that exclude marriage and family, as we can pretty much live happy and fully committed without these options.
I would also say that, while traditional relationships, in their intents, in the book, were supposed to be about an emotional bond then I see a clash withreality. Considering too many testimonies, that reality can vary greatly from the initial intents. My grand-parents are very much exemplifying this offset between intent and actual reality of relationships. And it's mainly because while people can want such a bond, not all people are able to make it work in reality, because psychology can override very much initial intents here.
Not afraid, but uncomfortable. The idea is suffocating.
What you described should sound lovely but it made me feel sick. I don’t date around or anything I’m not looking to play the field I basically don’t date. I don’t wanna get stuck with someone that I don’t get on with and most people are not honest or they’re not honest with themselves and they’re not aware of what it is they want to don’t want or They’re not upfront about all of that until you’re already like mired in it… so Commitment isn’t something that I look forward to tho of course if I met someone blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Then maybe.
True, luckily I’m very perceptive of at least it does not take too much for me to get sufficiently strong sense that I should walk,
I grew up having to be extremely aware of everyone around me and the behavior in order to survive. Being hyper villages has it downfalls it is helpful in the case of not entering unsavory situations.. so while I may not know WTF is going on in Polite conversation or on “ a date” lot of the time, im pretty good at discerning when someone is duplicitous or generally trustworthy.
of course it’s all around a pain and so I just don’t bother much but rarely when I’m in the situation, I trust myself.
Yes.. up to a point. It’s kind of hard to explain. It’s something that I have to be there to suss out. Because obviously a lot of people figure out what the culturally conventional interpretation of trustworthy and dependable looks like. If a person wanted to play that part and play that role consistently, they can.
I think it’s not just about actions and words aligning but the affect aligning. And this is tough because I know a lot of people are just uncomfortable in general in situations where emotions are sort of running high. I mean it’s difficult for me - even if I’m not trying to play games or screw someone over.,, I can still be uncomfortable in situations whetr my feelings are involved. I also tend to think my feelings I have been feeling them and I’m sure that could look disingenuous to and outside observer people process things differently so I have to also be cognizant of that.
So I don’t assume somebody is being dishonest JUST because they seem a bit uncomfortable. It really depends on a lot of factors and I guess it’s hard to explain but absolutely absolutely consistent behaviors for sure way better than inconsistent behavior. It’s the best start to forming trust. in my opinion unless of course someone is consistently being a jerk but I figure that’s not what we’re talking about.
Although it’s funny, I remember I was sort of - well I WAS VERY- interested in this guy but I was just not interested in dating. Anyway, he was kind of a jerk. Not like like an asshole but just kind of jerky but I thought that that was like him being honest. I THOUGHT (I don’t now) since everybody’s KIND of a jerk inside and they just cover it up and the fact that he was open about that way meant that he was being genuine, and I could sort of trust there’d be no surprises …then it turned out he was STILL lying. AND he thought he was being” nice” 😂 🤦🏻♀️
@Juxtapose first off 100% agree with this and I would love to live my life that way I prefer things to be very straightforward and simple. The problem is that people are really dishonest with themselves and others and it takes a while to figure out if they’re actually lying to themselves or to me or the vibe is just off and part of the problem. There is like I just pick up all kinds of things. It can be very useful. It’s also challenging. It is what it is so I try to use my senses to serve rather than to control me, but it takes time
“What about my feelings makes me uncomfortable” ha!! Having them, but I’m working on it.
You know it’s it’s not a unique story. Survival meant shutting myself off to basically the world, and that became after a while rather than something that I had to remind myself to do it just became automatic and eventually.. a point of pride & honor. I felt like good about the fact that I could just detach and not care And so what used to feel like a superpower is now Achilles heel. But even being able to recognize an intellectually, it’s STILL hmm, the ability to shut yourself off is really addictive. It’s hard habit to conquer.
I’m working on it. It takes time. It’s a lot of work learning to respect your feelings rather than seeing them as something that gets in your way. Because if I can’t respect my feelings, I can acknowledge them and I get myself into trouble which is something that I didn’t really have to do with anyone at all but now, interacting with people in the world it just doesn’t serve me too be so detached it’s a hindrance.
Yeah it’s really really really uncomfortable for me too like feel what I feel 🤢 😂 it’s beautiful too!! there’s beauty in it and that’s new...
When I personally feel uncertain I detach myself from investment in the outcome and take the person as a mystery. A mystery I can't trust with sensitive stuff of course but something to learn from even if it does end up being an illogical person. If I try to discern too many details at once it feels overwhelming and I can get lost in paranoia. I think almost everybody lies to themselves to a certain extent but I try not to!
That sounds a lot like what I tried to do before I met my first true friend. I tried to kill my emotions! I ultimately couldn't do it but I was much more detached than I am now. Now I feel more, I get this feeling of withdrawal when people I like are away for too long & so on. The feelings in my experience get easier to deal with if you have a chill personality and with age.
at what point do you feel like it becomes paranoia like you personally what’s the line between discernment and paranoia. I’m genuinely curious?
I definitely can feel overwhelmed, but I don’t ever feel paranoid when I become especially concerned about a situation. It’s usually because the person is acting shady but electronic cover it up.
Don’t think I’ve really ever been wrong about anybody. What I used to do to compensate for the fact that I have very quick assumptions, was go to the extreme and give them the benefit of the doubt for a small window of time, ultimately it would turn out I was correct initially but I’d feel better knowing I was open.
. I can’t really think of a time where I got a weird feeling and then gave the person the benefit for the doubt and then it didn’t end up being that I was right about them in the first place, even if it took a while uncover.
It’s very easy for me to be chill when people are direct. I get kind of agitated when people are indirect and it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re playing games.
Some people just have difficulty being straightforward, but I don’t really gel with those types so that’s my responsibility take care of. It’s not someone else’s fault for having a personality that they have and if it doesn’t work for me, then I have to deal with that And I can’t use no one want to hurt their feelings by walking away there is an excuse.
Anyhow life’s short I have enough time to like wait forever and ever and ever
So now, I just recognize that my impression is an impression until provable but I don’t apologize for it and I don’t feel like I have to bend over backwards the other way.
I just like what you said — keep it a benevolent mystery that I don’t need to be cynical towards but I can’t trust until I learn more.
@Juxtapose and @VIVANT Considering what I see from you both, in this discussion and before, I'm actually happy to see Juxtapose being less closed to feelings, in his current speech. It's a good sight for me, this picture feels good :)
It's when I make judgments without evidence. I want to give people a chance to prove themselves to me, show me themselves what they really are. Their actions will speak for them. When I was a kid, I told this one psychologist lady in school who was asking me questions that I thought she didn't care about me and she was just doing her job. I felt like she was genuine when she said she actually did care. So paranoia is what happens when you feel insecure but you don't have evidence. There is a place for intuition but overall I think people deserve a chance.
"I just like what you said — keep it a benevolent mystery that I don’t need to be cynical towards but I can’t trust until I learn more."
I should say though that in terms of directness? I have actually had to learn how to be less direct with certain things. Like with flirting? Being very direct with that offends people and leads to a lot of awkwardness. So I wait for "green lights" from the other person after proving myself unless I know they specifically want directness. But even then it may be better to show them my true colors and have them get to know me before declaring anything.
Diving right into the heart of commitment, it seems like you’ve found that sweet spot where trust, love, and long-term goals align like the stars in a romantic night sky! Being confident in your commitment comes from knowing what you want and finding someone who shares those dreams. It's like having a dance partner who knows all the right moves – you're in sync, moving to the same rhythm, aiming for that beautiful finale. Feeling secure in your relationship and seeing commitment as an opportunity rather than a restriction speaks volumes about your emotional maturity. It's all about building something that's both enduring and exciting. The fact that you view commitment as a source of growth shows you're not just in the game for a quick sprint, but for a marathon with roses, thorns, and everything in between. Keep embracing that confidence; it's genuinely magnetic!
No, I'm not afraid of commitment at all. But I'm well aware that the point I'm at in life doesn't lend itself to tying myself to a woman until I have more clarity about my future. I don't want to make any promises to a woman if I can't know I can make good on them.
I was going to say this but then I just figured most likely it’s a way of articulating that he’s just not in the right head space.
I see often tho.. constant worry over stuff that hadn’t happened and doesn’t need to.
Relationships are not about anything both party’s don’t want. Worrying about promises, execrations..: I feel like these obscure the responsibility of direct communication. Which corrects any of these problems.
If a person can’t be trusted to take you at your word then yeah they’re not somebody should be in a relationship with but to worry about people just automatically having expectations and expecting promises that haven’t even entered into the equation. It’s not realistic. I think this is just more like I said away, soothing yourself over whatever reason don’t relationship atm.
Sorry @ProbablyClueless I do not mean to talk about the third person!! 💚
I think you’re giving yourself an extra headache that you don’t need and if you actually wanted a relationship then you’re preventing you and someone else from that unity but of course if you’re not at a point where you want one it’s totally fine to just forgo it, for the time being. And you don’t need an excuse not to be in a relationship. 🙂
@VIVANT Yeah... I guess I'm just not really sure how to describe my headspace. I'm definitely not opposed to the idea of being in a relationship and I totally support open and honest communication, but I also know that people tend to make really big life decisions based on things other people tell them. If I don't know something, I will be very honest about not knowing the thing that I don't know.
Unfortunately, what you say and what other people hear are sometimes two very different things.
I was. Because I had deep fear and shame and curses upon myself. cleared those up over time, wife helped. better.
it's work to get over fear.
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Anonymous
(30-35)
1 y
"Commitment isn't something that feels limiting or daunting; instead, it’s a source of security and growth for the relationship."
This ^ is the way it's supposed to be, but for men today marriage is indeed limiting and daunting because half of marriages end in divorce, women file 80% of them, and men get screwed in divorce court and child custody.
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