I spoiled my girlfriend a lot when we first started dating, and now I'm not sure how to change that dynamic. Any advice?

[Anonymous]

I've been with my girlfriend for almost two years, and while she's amazing—loving, sweet, funny, and successful—I've realized that I've spoiled her too much. She's 12 years younger than me and incredibly attractive, which made me so in awe of her that I would always give in to her wants. If she decides she wants something, I'll make it happen, whether it's buying something after a long workday or changing plans on a whim.

She's not a bad girlfriend; she takes good care of me and insists on splitting bills. However, I've set a precedent where she always gets her way, and now I'm finding it difficult to push back without hurting her feelings. She's sensitive, and when I recently said "no" for the first time, she felt rejected. I know this dynamic is my doing, but I want to start changing things gently without upsetting her. Any advice would be appreciated.

[Anonymous]

A lot of younger guys are going to chastise you on this one for how simpy you acted in the beginning. But I know as a 43 year old that dating younger women doesn’t get easier (or cheaper) as you get older. I know it’s slim pickens. Not like we are 22 year old college students.

Anyway I am guessing she is at least in her 30s. This can be good or bad. Good if she learned from experience about how life is really like for most guys (money doesn’t grow in trees). But it can also be bad. Some women in their 30s actually get worse and smart in all the wrong ways. They self justify mooching off nice guys because of the previous negative experiences with other unrelated men.

But the reason you are “I'm finding it difficult to push back without hurting her feelings.” because you are afraid of her leaving. Just get real with yourself on that. You are trying to think of an easy idealistic way out of this but not reality. Also about her being “sensitive” some women are very good manipulative actors.

I think your best bet is calmly yet directly tell her how you feel. Tell her you enjoy treating her out but also you didn’t approach her to be a sugar daddy (right?). If she’d a mature woman she can handle it.

And yes I get it you are afraid of the confrontation, her leaving you and having to start all over from square one (which is f*cking hard for most older guys). I get it I get it.

But it you don’t have self respect you don’t have anything. That doesn’t mean you got to get pissed off and call her a freeloader. But you got to confront this.

[Oliverlogan263]

Ah man, I gotchu. Dating a young hottie definitely makes it easy to turn into a pushover. But you gotta get control back gradually before it becomes a bigger issue.

First off, have an honest chat about how you want the relationship to grow in a balanced way. Explain you still think she's the bomb, but overspoiling wasn't healthy long term. Compromise is key - not just always her way.

After that, start small. Say 'not tonight babe, I'm wiped' sometimes when she wants plans changed. Let little things roll past without instantly giving in. Make sure she knows it's cause you value your own needs too.

Don't be afraid to suggest alternate activities you think will be fun. Lead a bit and she'll follow that energy if she cares about you. Take a weekend trip alone to spend quality guys' time together too.

Just keep communicating how much you appreciate her while also establishing yourself as an equal partner with your own interests. It'll take time to recalibrate, but her feelings for you should survive if you keep bonding as a team. You got this bro!

[MzAsh]

You might be sol. You chose a younger woman. Well, this is what they do. All you can do is tell her the truth, that you positioned yourself as “that guy” who can take care of her needs and wants, but you’re coming to a point where it’s not convenient for you. She might take it well. She might not. If things don’t work out, I recommend finding someone with a little more emotional maturity.

[Caroline91]

I'm sorry you find yourself in this position. I suggest you talk to her. Be up front. Let her know you need a more balanced relationship. It may be that she won't want the dynamic to change and it will end the relationship. If so, it's not the relationship you wanted and don't repeat the mistake.

[AI Opinion]

Ah, the classic tale of lovebombing turned habit, my friend. Looks like Cupid went a little overboard, but fear not! The love doctor is in. 😉 Let’s gently steer this ship back to a balanced sea, shall we?

Firstly, kudos for recognizing the dynamic and wanting to shift it. It’s like realizing you’ve been seasoning your dishes with just a tad too much salt; let's find that perfect recipe for balance. Start with a heart-to-heart where your feelings aren't playing hide and seek. Express your admiration for her and how you've enjoyed pampering her because, let’s face it, who doesn't love making their partner feel like royalty? Yet, sprinkle in how you believe a sprinkle of moderation could amplify the appreciation you both hold for these special moments and gestures.

Slowly introduce the concept of 'we-time' decisions - where both of your desires create the perfect date night or plan. This isn’t just about saying "no", but about crafting a dance where both partners lead. Remember, my dear, love isn’t about always raining gifts or yeses, it’s about showering respect, understanding, and compromises.

And remember, if she's as wonderful as you've painted her to be, she’ll understand. After all, a relationship is a canvas painted by two, not a solo art project. Keep the communication flowing, the gestures heartfelt (not just grand), and your love will surely bloom in new, balanced ways. 💖

[HawkPerception]

Why setup an expectation that you don't desire for your future. You should always just be yourself consistently. You shouldn't have to tryhard and "spoil" someone you're dating. You're trying too hard.

[RavVid]

Hmmh... how much is this costing? The reality is sex costs and it is really a matter of price for what you are getting. Sounds like you are happy with what you are getting in return.

I might be non-committal at times to gradually draw a line but still provide eventually. Wind her back gradually

[BetaBucks]

Just pull back and get ready for the break-up. And by ready, I mean, hit the gym, update your wardrobe, improve your grooming and hygiene, and start to socialize more. You're fucked. Longshot that the different dynamic works for her, and she'll actually value you more. Odds are better you're gonna be single. Better to be single than to be a plow horse.

[Miristheiss]

You put her on a pedestal, huh?

The relationship orbits her feelings and not getting upset?

Good luck with that.

[Billlewis]

I think the best solution would be to increase your efforts even more, and spoil her better than you were before.

[Vegasrunner]

Ironically you're doing everything correctly. Next time you tell her no, wait a few days and get her a random small gift but don't bring up the thing you said no about.

[Anonymous]

I’m sure she will understand if you talk with her about it, gently. She might not like being told no, none of us do, but we all know that it’s necessary sometimes.

[LiamJHayden]

Many guys do this. That is the problem with trying to impress someone in that way. If you slow or stop, she will think you are not as into her any longer.

[Japangirly]

never spoil a girl first date. wait for her to deserve it.

[Crazzyyworld]

Tell her that it’s the time that you should be serious. Tell her that you want things this and that way so that there is no surprise attacks. She will agree if she has a good mentality.

[noohair]

You created a monster. Now you have to decide if you want to live with that.

[electromagnetic]

Just tell her the truth.

[Anonymous]

Spanking to put her in her place.

[Texaskid1]

You must establish ground rules with her.

[Ladsin2]

Shouldn't've done that.