My boyfriend gets irritated when I ask him to wash his hands properly. Is it wrong to bring this up?

[mojito]

Ever since moving in together, his poor hygiene, especially improper handwashing, has bothered me. Despite my requests, he washes his hands for just a few seconds, dismissing my concerns as "germaphobia." I feel hurt and disrespected, as this issue is important to me, yet he ridicules it. How can I address this without feeling minimized or having my feelings invalidated?

[TheRealPepperPotts]

He feels insecure, so his response is to dismiss your feelings. It's difficult to change habits. He likely grew up thinking that was enough. I doubt he will change, but you can try. Maybe ask him why he doesn't think it's a big deal, and what his perspective is. Do you best to agree with how he feels and show you are on his side. He will likely be short with you about it at first because he knows you see it as an issue. But as you show genuine interest in his perspective without pushing to get your way, he may open up a little more.

Also, check yourself. Is he not doing it properly after working on a vehicle or before handling food? Or are you expecting him to do a full hand washing before he handles the Roku remote? If you can compromise on what you are asking, do your best, even if it isn't perfect.

Ask him how you can help make washing hands easier for him. Maybe putting liquid soap at every sink instead of bar soap will make it convenient enough. Maybe he hates how dry his hands feel after using a harsh soap, and you could provide a gentler, more moisturizing version. Most people will do things if it's more convenient to do it than to not do it. Make sure there is a clean towel or paper towels close by and very handy.

Hope this helps!

[Anonymous]

Ugh, I remember moving in with my partner and it’s true that even if you were with them 24/7, officially living together is such an adjustment and can truly be make or break for a relationship. Compromise is more important than ever now that if something pisses you off you can’t go home for the night to cool down. The thing with this situation is that it is such a personal problem, not something that effects how the household functions or impacting you directly. For example, not liking the length of his nails because they collect dirt/junk that he doesn’t clean. Or being upset that he didn’t like what you cooked and therefore didn’t finish his bowl. You have a thing about clean hands and washing them for a certain amount of time, and he doesn’t, which simply means this is a value you don’t share. In which case I’d say, stop trying to change him. I’m sure there are traits you have which he doesn’t like or wouldn’t agree with yet doesn’t fuss at you each time it happens. He accepts you as is. Maybe you should do the same, and focus on your own washed hands. Either that or get a man who holds cleanliness in the same regard as you do.

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

That's a common case ! Differences in habits and perceptions, depends how much rational you wanna get on the point of hygiene. Because hygiene is not a fixed state, it is a spectrum. Unless you work in the medical, where it's a fixed state. That's the rational perspective on hygiene. In my experience though, the situation you describe is not about reason, and reason itself will not solve the issue. Because you and him are probably both convinced they are right in their views about what hygiene means.

So when rationality doesn't help, what is left? E-mo-tions

You feel disrespected, then tell him. He feels patronized? He should tell you. That's the difficult part really, because each of you might feel attacked, but then it's a common case, and whatever the result, the process or the issue, talking with him from an emotional perspective, peacefully, is the best start I could think of here !

[Purpleronnie]

I’ve never had to have a conversation with my partner about hygiene and the need for it. Honestly it defies belief that anyone should have to. Washing your hands should be a regular occurrence throughout the day especially but not limited to when it comes to eating and using the toilet. Having lived through a global pandemic we have even been taught again how to wash our hands “properly” so there is really no excuse. If he won’t behave like a responsible adult , disrespecting you and minimizing your feelings , on the subject of basic hygiene then there isn’t really much hope that he would the more profound aspects of your relationship seriously either. Perhaps a change of tact from you might help but as I say I’ve never had to explain to any adult the importance of self hygiene.

[AI Opinion]

Navigating the turbulent waters of cohabitation can sometimes feel like trying to choreograph a dance in the dark, right? It's all about finding that rhythm where both partners feel heard and respected. In your case, it sounds less like a quirky two-step and more like you're dancing solo on the hygiene front. Ouch! 💔

First off, let's throw some sparkle on this situation by saying your feelings are totally valid. Living together means blending lifestyles, habits, and yes, even bacteria (the good, the bad, and the 'please wash those away'). It might be worth approaching this with a bit of relationship choreography I like to call 'The Heartfelt Tango'.

Step one: Choose a moment when you're both relaxed, not in the throes of the daily hustle or right after he's committed the handwashing faux pas.

Step two: Lead with your feelings. Start your convo with something like, "I feel..." rather than "You never...". It's less about accusing and more about expressing.

Step three: Sprinkle in a bit of education. Sometimes, understanding the 'why' behind the 'what' can turn a skeptic into a soap opera star.

And lastly, remember to dance like nobody's watching, but wash those hands like everyone is. It's all about finding that sweet spot where respect meets compromise. And who knows, perhaps with a little nudge, you'll both be salsa-ing to the sink in no time. Keep that chin up and those hands clean! 💃🕺

[Finchie40]

It’s wrong that you are setting a time limit on how long he washes his hands , the fact that he is washing his hands is all that should matter. I could see if he was t washing his hands at all , than that would be a different story. So my advice to you is to try to stop acting like you his Mother , How would
You feel is he was timing you on things that you do?

[genericname85]

well you're hurting and disrespecting him by telling him to wash his hands as if he was a poor child. he's just giving you what you're giving him.

so obviously you're not in agreement there which is normal and understandable. tho you should take not of the fact that you're the one who feels bothered. right? so why do you make him the one who needs to adjust for your feelings. isn't that your obligation? like should we not make sure we're not becoming the other persons problem in a relationship?

maybe let's start here: can you name at least one instance where your percieved lack of his hand hygiene was a measurable and practical detriment to either of your lifes?

[RHK36]

If it bothers you that much get a new boyfriend. If it's not that big of a deal then don't nag how he does it. You could try to compromise, but hard to want to considering it's about hygiene. You picked him though and is probably something you should have noticed before living together.

[onedarkcloud]

Wash your hands when doing things for yourself, Go pee and make a show of not washing and fix his food first then wash your hands for your food. If his hygiene is not good and if you know that you are going to have sex let yourself go a little and see if he likes the not so clean vagina he might just get the message

[noohair]

Most men do the 80/20 rule. Is the 80% that is good in a relationship worth the 20% crap that they have to deal with? If it is yes, they deal with the 20%. Women look at the 80% and go to work on the 20%, since it is impossible to change anyone except you, the woman winds up breaking their partner. Once broken, things don’t fix well as far as human men are concerned.

[Sirenboobzilla]

It is not wrong. Were it my boyfriend, I'd make it as simple as if he doesn't wash his hands properly, he's not touching any part of me, ESPECIALLY the parts he likes.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

Check his laundry for skidmarks. If they’re there, tell him you’re not gonna stay with a man who walks around with literal feces stuck to his skin

[Nikki1989]

That is disgusting. Some people have zero concerns about how much bacteria they are spreading.

[spartan55]

I'm sure he LOVES that you nag him daily about (checks notes) WASHING HIS HANDS... good lord...🙄

[bowenw]

If it’s a deal breaker for you, I suggest you tell him that and let him decide how he wants to proceed.

[slatyb]

No, he's an ass. You should think about moving right back out.

[Anonymous]

It's not wrong, though I find it comical. My wife is similar, she even washes her hands more frequently than I do, but the things she touches have more of a residue from her hands, than the things I touch.

[Fireguy17]

Nope, who wants his cootie infested paws all over your food or fun zones.

[Jamie05rhs]

Have him use hand sanitizer afterwards. I know it's not perfect, but at least it will help a little bit.

[Anonymous]

Withhold sex until he does but be sure to walk around in your underwear

[spartan55]

Over washing your hands? Oh my...

[Opinion Owner]

@spartan55 men are so easy to manipulate

[spartan55]

Sure thing.

[Anonymous]

I would not be with a guy who did not instinctively do that.

[the29thhuman]

Shouldn’t have moved in with a guy - that’s your problem

[gatixek710]

You're not his mom. I'd be irritated being talked down to like I'm a toddler, also.

[LiamS95]

If he doesn't wash his hand properly his penis must be really lacking in cleanliness.

[Jennz6]

We need good hygiene

[LiamJHayden]

I'm a clean freak so I approve.

[fuddly]

What level of dirty are we talking about?

[Blacksnake285]

No it’s not. He’s just sensitive

[Blacksnake285]

Does he smell?

[Iron_Man]

It’s goood