Friends with benefits won’t speak to me after he crossed my boundaries and asked for space. Can we move forward and why is he not talking to me?

[Anonymous]

I (26f) have been having a friends with benefits with an older man (42m) for almost a year. I never planned on friends with benefits but he lied to me about his age and a few other things and so I didn’t trust him for something more.

The past year we’ve become close friends. He knows I can get quite anxious and over analyse. He doesn’t like this but continued seeing me. He has suggested a few times that I should get with someone like him that would look after me but I didn’t think into it. He did cross a few lines with the friends with benefits, he would often use pet names, want cuddles and showers together. I didn’t mind that but he didn’t respect the two rules I had which was letting each other know if we had slept with other people (for safe sex) and wearing protection. He’d often say he was on board when I explained not wanting to get pregnant but he’d just end up being selfish.

I got upset a few times when he didn’t respect it and tried to end things but he’d manage to reassure me he wouldn’t cross the line again. The last time he did it, he said he was caught in the moment. I told him I wasn’t enjoying sex because I was so guarded over it and asked for a break. He told me he was tired of the back and forth, ended it, and asked for space. He also told me he was always there if I needed a chat or place to stay.

I gave him space as he asked and after two months I decided to text because he expects me to reach out and I also never got to explain my side, I just felt really anxious about the situation and just wanted to talk about it and move forward. He’s just ignored me. I adore him, he can be caring and a lovely friend, but I’m tired of trying. I don’t know why he’s so hurt when he crossed my boundaries from the start. I take accountability for my anxiety, I said sorry, but at least it comes from a good place. I just don’t really understand what’s wrong.

[Anonymous]

What's wrong? Your expectations.

This is a friends with benefits and he is in tis relationship to get his needs met. Wanting to cuddle with you or take a shower together doesn't mean he loves you; it just means that is what HE wants at the moment. He consistently violated the rules to which you agreed.

If you wanted to be treated like a partner in a relationship, that would require that you have mutual lust, love, trust, and respect. In this case, you have lust, you don't have love, you don't trust him, and he doesn't respect you.

It was fun while it lasted but it has ended. He has probably moved on with someone else and it was easy because you didn't mean much to him. What else is there to understand?

[Asker]

Well I wasn’t expecting a loving relationship with him. I’m not in love with him, I was the one who told him I didn’t think we were a great match and that the lying by omission was too much for me. He also was really superficial, he did bring up a couple of times that he dated “models” by that he meant me, because I did it when I was younger and his 50 year old ex who did it 30 years ago. Honestly I think he was quite insecure to use other women’s accomplishments to boast about himself. Anyways, although I didn’t see a future with him, I guess I at least saw him as a friend, of course after a year you build some sort of friendship. I don’t know why though he told me to text whenever I wanted to chat but then also ignored me when I reached out. He seems to flip flop an lot and I don’t really understand why.

[Opinion Owner]

You are assuming that he means the things he says. . . but you already established that he is a liar.

[Asker]

If anything his expectations were wrong. I think he got in a huff because I asked for a break because I wasn’t happy with the sex as he consists crossed boundaries and so he threw his toys out of the pram. I mean I told him from the start that I’d be sleeping with him if I felt like it and so it should’ve been a big deal for me to ask for a break if he was so casual about it. I did tell him I for sure thought we crossed lines when it came to keeping things casual. I also was very honest and told him the lines were blurred and there was definitely an attachment there which caused conflicted feelings. You get used to having someone around, attachment happens but I dunno. I’ve done the friends with benefits things before and from the first experience we are still friends. I’m starting to think this final time this friend was just too immature for it.

[Asker]

Valid point, I guess to some extent it’s up to my judgement since I knew him. He did have a tendency to keep things when it suited him. But I do think there was some honesty there, he disclosed a lot of personal things, the relationship was definitely not just sexual, he did confide in me a lot because he did have a lot of issues going on. I think he’s just emotionally underdeveloped more than anything, my dilemma is that I just don’t know if I can really do that, it’s not nice do feel like you need to chase around your friend and feel like you have to convince them to talk to you. I dunno I just don’t have the time for it, any form of relationships goes to ways, it’s meant to be reciprocal. I obviously care about him a lot, I don’t see that as a negative because at least I was genuine on my side, which is the minimum in any friendship. Maybe he wasn’t being honest though but I think that says more about him than me. I don’t think there is any issue on my end just because I wanted to give him a chance and believe or because I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Better that than starting something off being completely cynical

[Opinion Owner]

I always begin a relationship assuming that someone is upright, honest, moral, ethical, etc. But I keep my eyes open to signs that my assumptions are wrong.

[Asker]

It wasn’t a relationship.. and I did exactly that, he lied so I told him I could never see myself with him because I wouldn’t trust him.

[Opinion Owner]

I should have said any involvement with another person, because I apply my assumption to friends and family as well as romantic partners.

Your question is "Can we move forward and why is he not talking to me?" When you replied to me, " I could never see myself with him because I wouldn’t trust him," you answered your own question.

[RedInnocent69]

Sounds like he didn’t like your boundaries. You’re probably better off without him.

[AI Opinion]

Oh, love, the dance between boundaries and desires can be as confusing as a telenovela plot twist, can't it? 😉 Let's untangle this sparkling web of friends with benefits, shall we? When boundaries are crossed, especially in the delicate ballet of friends with benefits, emotions can run high and the choreography can get a bit, well, improvised.

It sounds like this man, despite his moments of caring, has shown a pattern of disregarding your clearly set boundaries. Remember, darling, the foundation of any relationship, no strings attached or knotted tightly, is respect and trust. When those are missing, even the most passionate duet can turn into a solo act.

The silent treatment from him now is yet another red flag in this parade. You've extended the olive branch, sprinkled with apologies and understanding, yet he's chosen to keep the stage empty. It might not be what you hoped for, but sometimes, the best way forward is to take the spotlight yourself and dance to a rhythm that respects and values your boundaries.

You're already doing fabulous by recognizing your feelings and where you can grow. However, love, it's important to ensure that growth isn't shadowed by someone who can't honor your needs. Consider this not as a curtain closing but as a grand opening for a performance where you're the star, shining brightly on your terms.

Keep twirling, darling. Your next dance is just beginning. 🌟

[Reijen]

Just get over it, and move on.

[Asker]

I already have moved on, I’m seeing someone else, I just wasn’t sure about the friendship. Like I said I’ve done the friends with benefits thing before and it has never ended so badly, I guess I’m just not a fan of the drama and bad blood now. I guess it is what it is

[Anonymous]

😆😆😆

[Asker]

Like did you even read what I said or are you just looking for something to try and be smart about..