How to avoid ever losing yourself in a relationship?

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

In my previous relationship, In the beginning, I was not that deeply invested in him and as the time went by and I fell deeper and deeper into him and the more I fell in love, the more I thought he was amazing and I didn’t deserve him, and that I had to earn his love in some way, because he was too good, I made myself believe this to the point that my happiness got dependent on him and everything was revolving around him, I lost myself because I was concentrated how to make him happy. I was anxious if he was moody, I was wondering if I have done anything wrong, if I had been a bad girlfriend, if there’s something I need to do better, and I was so lost in these thoughts that I lost the ability to be a partner, I started looking up to him, while in the beginning he was the one looking up to me and that was better I think, but then we changed the roles and I was so scared of losing him that I lost a sense of myself because instead of my own priorities I prioritized him and I no longer knew what I wanted or where was I…

I am scared of it ever happening, I don’t want to experience something like that again… What advice would you give me? I tend to be attracted to the men who awaken exactly same feelings into me…

But I can no longer allow myself to stop prioritizing myself again. If break up taught me anything was that It’s me, I am the priority, I stay with myself, once everyone leaves, I soothe my heart, I pick myself up, I am responsible for my own happiness and I am stronger than I could have ever imagined. And that I should be entering any relationship with self love and dignity and not thinking that I need to somehow earn love…

My mom often tells me “You need to be more successful, you need this, you need that… be loved by a man like this…”

It hurts me to be heard that, because I think we shouldn’t be thinking we need to earn anyone’s love, I think I deserve love just the way I am and I shouldn’t be constantly working on myself to deserve it.

Updates

1 y

Initially, I believed I deserved my ex’s love, but my mom, who I am very close to, trying to inspire me to be more successful, would often tell me “He’s that kind of man. If you want a man like this to stay with you, you should be this… and this… and this…” and would tell me all the things I am not. Trying to motivate me become better… But I am as I am and I deserve love as I am I think. I should stop talking with my mom and toxic people about my relationships.

[lightbulb27]

So you don't feel worthy of love... you have to earn it? Or is your partner making you feel that way? was your father missing from your life? Is there some feeling you don't like... whats the core... fear... shame?

I think the answer is balance...

can relate to a lot of that, there's swirls of making sense with maybe too much in places. I read lot of your posts but I don't know the dynamic, the guy chosen... personality. It's like you are drawing a tempest but don't like the swirl. So if true I'd wonder where in life you missed the opportunity to stabilize emotionally. Trauma and instability... wounds... can cause disruptions in development.

I think two come togehter, there's going to be change and some things may go, but you still have yourself... passions... interests.

fun times figuring yourself out. Take what you wrote to well trained therapists and see what you get for ideas. I've shared my views before. My wag is you have some self worth stuff going on relating to upbringing issues/maturity. It sounds to me like related to father.

note: I'm invovled in raising a teen girl, I see the emotional swirls. I see the hickups and emotional stuff going on. Father could be there but if parents don't know how to help you mature, can get stuck and go off course.

all guesses... looking at pieces of a puzzle.\

ps explain to me how a sperm and embryo come together without losing themselves? I think change is good, but it's transformation, not loss...

[Cripplingkingship]

Focus on passion, friendships, family. Double down the things that are important you, and never sacrifice them for any men. The reason is, if man were to leave, you would not feel lost without him, you will be fine, because you still have all other things in your life that keeps you grounded.

Think of your confidence as table in a relationship, the four legs, are family, friends, passion, hobbies. And the fifth leg would be the boyfriend, and if you lose that leg, you still have to other 4 legs to hold you up, emotionally and phyically.

People make the mistake when they get into relationship, they just focus on the partner and forget everything else and make them their world, that is a very bad idea. Always keep a back up, and always keep things outside of your relationship important to you.

NEVER LOSE SIGHT OF YOUR PASSION, FAMILY, FRIEND HOBBIES, you must double on those things even more, when you are in relationship.

[Cripplingkingship]

Want More From Someone? DO NOT Chase; Do THIS Instead! Matthew Hussey talks about this in a video.
Unfortunately I can't copy and past as I am not higher enough in the ranks to do this

[Simslover92]

I did this and I would say what others have said. Focus on your hobbies, friends, and family as well. That's how you keep from getting so consumed in the relationship.

[IslaTheWitch]

be yourself and care for yourself... the relationship is important, but if you aren't a conscious member of this union, it won't survive...

[MisterMystery]

I am exactly like you. I had a similar relationship, and reading your writing reminded me of my experiences. Love and appreciation should be mutual in every relationship. If one side thinks too much about the other, loves too much, or values too much, the relationship becomes a trap for the one who gives too much, causing only pain. I want to love deeply, but the other person also needs to love me just as much. I hope I encounter someone like that. I believe there aren't many people like that. You are truly a rare person. Never lose your sense of self-worth.

[LiamJHayden]

Periodically take the time to analyze whether or nor the partner is a net plus in your life. I will even make a list of the positives and negatives.

[Nikki1989]

You maintain your identity by continuing to pursue your hobbies, interests, and goals outside the relationship.

[NathanDavis]

be with someone who truly and genuinely cares for you...

[SunnyRS]

I don't think anyone relationship should be all consuming so much so that you start losing yourself or feel like you are less important then your partner.
But have you ever tried talking to him about how you feel?

[msc545]

I think you need some help with us. Getting involved with someone to the point that their needs supersede yours is a problem.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I wasn’t thinking so, until after my family would start telling me “I wonder why he likes you”, “If I had a girlfriend like you I’d turn crazy”, “You’re lucky to have this guy, who else would Bear with you.” “You don’t appreciate what you have!” “you should treat him better or you’ll lose him”, “You should learn this…” “You should become this…” And so on and on… I think I kind of believed I was truly not enough.
Before then, I was pretty confident that I deserved his love and not only I deserved but he was lucky to have me too.

[andy530]

Keep up with things you enjoy or that make you you even if they are not shard with your partner

[kaucky1]

Looks can be deceiving stinking lies come home for kiss taste cockmouth

[raven55six]

When you get into a relationship, make sure that you're 100% invested in it. Make your partner feel appreciated over little things.

[Effie1998]

To keep your hobbies, hang out with your friends without your partner.

[SolitarySolace]

I just avoid having relationships

[RageBabe]

You can’t run forever.

[SolitarySolace]

Watch me 😁

[RageBabe]

I’m going you cuff you to a tree and I doubt you’ll be running with that on your back. Lol