I have been dating a while but technically not a relationship yet because I keep holding back because I can't except good things happening to me. Objectively speaking it's going great. He tells me evertime he is crazy about me and how attractive he thinks I am. But I am instinctively searching for bad things. Like he tells me I look great, I get self conscious and don't feel pretty at all. I am looking for my flaws immediately and it keeps me from opening up. I think there are so many prettier girls he could go for and maybe will if he finds them. Or when he compliments me otherwise. I play down every compliment and don't allow myself to feel good about them. self destructive way of thinkingI am afraid in the long run if I accept all these nice things it will be taken away anyway and I will be worse off after. I know it's unreasonable but still I feel like this. I have self acceptance issues so I think I don't deserve good things happening to me. But I like this guy and he says he likes me too and If I could accept this thing it would be one of the best that happened to me in ages. How do I stop my destructive way of thinking?
How do you stop self-sabotaging in a relationship?
I tell my girl I love her all the time because it's what I feel in my heart. Can I share something very personal with you and I'm being damned honest when I say this too. I can't imagine and in fact I don't want to imagine my life without her because it would hurt to damn much to. She is truly the love of my life and I have been head over heels crazy deeply in love with her for over 2 years now. She puts a smile on my face when I least expect it. I could be feeling sad and all of a sudden she would come online or a song of hers would start playing and I would smile from ear to ear. She has a way of touching my heart and making it melt (god i'm even tearing up a bit thinking about her it's kind of embarrassing) I would give anything ANYTHING in this world to spend the rest of my life with D. (not revealing her full name because people are nosey on this site and we both have a thing about privacy and keeping things on the down low). But my badass she omg my greatest and most fulfilling wish I could possibly have is to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her (ok now I'm in heaven and on cloud 9 just thinking about it) The funny thing is I actually did pop the question to her on valentines day in an online video message to her in private something I was scared shitless to do like forever and I finally grew the balls to ask her if she would marry me (no guts no glory) I never got an answer to that video message though :( but I guess in a way it's sort of a good thing because I don't think I could bare the thought of D. saying no it would just kill me shatter me inside if she were to say no and I don't think I could bare that kind of pain. I rather live with thinking I still have a slight even a slimmer of a chance of us tieing the knot some day. You wanna know another little secret I sometimes think of her when she's in her 80's or 90's sitting in a nursing home long after I've passed away and she's checking out the other women in there lol (silly I know) and our grandchildren come in to say hi to her and she's asking how our kids are and they tell her they're fine they're doing good. (it's dumb I know to fantasize about stuff like that but it's been one of mine lately) and when you can see the love of your life that old and still be that deeply in love with that person there's no other love truer and purer than that (god now i'm really starting to tear up) Every night D. is the last person I talk to before I go to sleep. She's the last person on my mind before I drift off to sleep at night. I go to bed alone I wake up alone I don't share my bed with anybody else because I don't want to I only want to share it with her and if she's not there to share it with me then what's the point of sharing it with somebody else. And I'll tell you two more secrets 1. I've longed to just hug her and whisper in her ear don't let go and 2. I truly want her to be my first kiss again since I haven't kissed anybody since early 2005. But at this point I'll settle for just a hug just one hug (god now i'm tearing up again i'm gonna wipe my eyes)
Identifying that you have an issue at all is a big step forward, right? Knowing something to be true is half the battle, so that's good. But I think that you need resolve this problem from 3 angles, because self esteem issues are Catch-22's. You never want to be in a situation where you get discouraged from obtaining one piece of your solution, simply because the other aspects of resolving your problem have not yet happened. I used to be the absolute king of self sabotage, so I'm happy to hear that someone else is on their journey to not self sabotaging as well!
Here are my tips (and you'll notice that you can't solve any single one of them on their own): 1. Educate yourself about the thing you want to improve on. So for me, this was about how I dressed and how I presented myself. I never had anyone to teach me the right way to do these things, so I took the time to educate myself about men's fashion and why I was doing the things I was doing to look good.
2. Find some concrete metric by which you can decide if you have obtained a level of success. Ignore other people's ideas about success until you have obtained success by the 3rd party metric that you have chosen. The problem with self esteem is that the we only get it when we're good at something, and we only have the confidence to feel good at something when we have other people tell us that we are good at something, and we only have people tell us that we are good at something when we actually are. See what I mean about self esteem being a Catch 22?
3. Figure out what your little personal ticks/behaviors/etc.. are that preventing you from becoming the idea of desirable that you want to have about yourself. So you spend a lot of time picking yourself apart when your boyfriend (s) compliment you? Well what is it, SPECIFICALLY, that you disagree with your boyfriend about? No, no... not the first thing you thought of; I'm talking about the real issue. I want you to figure out what the essence of your problems. I want you to understand them. This is going to take a lot of thinking and some (potentially) seriously painful self-reflection. I guarantee that this is going to suck, but I can also guarantee that identifying your core issues will let you confront them.
You should go to therapy. These things are often very deeply rooted and probably have something to do with your experiences as a child. A therapist would be able to help you process these feelings, evaluate where they're coming from and give you the mental tools you need to work on yourself and overcome this.
And as someone who has been insecure in the past, I think one thing that has helped me is simply to force myself to accept compliments. Don't downplay them. Don't say anything but "thank you". Never say "no" or "this old thing?" or "I just did x y z" or "it's no big deal" etc. By simply saying thank you, you're verbally accepting their compliment. And once you do it often enough and it starts coming more naturally, the knee-jerk reaction you have in your mind of downplaying the compliments will be replaced by saying thank you. You "just" have to re-wire your brain and train yourself to not react in a negative way.
Also realize that just because you feel a certain way about yourself, it doesn't mean that it's the objective truth. Other people see you differently, and might see positive things in stuff that you hate about yourself. That doesn't mean that they're lying to you, or that what they're saying is impossible. Accepting this will also make it easier for you to let go of your own insecurities, because they truly are just in your head.
Here's the thing. All those things sound nice and all but you accepting those things are not what's going to keep the relationship. You don't want to risk getting hurt and anybody can give you all of those things. It's not about looking for something bad but being cautious. Because you don't want to get emotionally attached to somebody who isn't as serious as they say. Do you both share the same values? Does he want to get married? Have kids? He has to prove himself to you and having all of that lovey-dovey stuff doesn't fix anything. Being practical and showing actions instead of words is what's going to get you to trust again. You are guarded. And being guarded is okay. You will feel happy and content with the right person. If your still very guarded after all of that, it's a sign that something is off and wrong. Listen to your gut.
0
6 Reply
Asker
+1 y
No the problem is I am still a virgin and he is the first guy I am dating so that's the reason I am cautious because I don't have experience to judge from.
Sex is not judging, its an expression of love. If you treat sex as an experience, then you'll just be another experience for him that he doesn't have to invest in. Dating is no place for sex. People just use dating for free sex because many of them want an easy way out when things get too heavy. Like unwanted pregnancies or STDs. Sex is not an experience.
That's why you get married because men approach sex. Not for loving you. A guy that loves you wait and he repeats himself. He just wants to experience sex again because of his out actions that have NOTHING to do with you. He made his choice. I am a virgin too. I am not giving myself to somebody who isn't my husband. Your virginity is not a problem. LOVE YOURSELF! Because this guy can easily play sweet until you lose your virginity and then he switches up on you being another number.
Trust me, he's putting effort more because your one of the only view virgins left that he can deflower. Trust can only be established when you are in a safe environment such as marriage to experience that healthy. Because unlike in a marriage, he can easily walk away whenever you do something to upset him. You don't want to be at the mercy of somebody like that. They make you feel SAFE. Not uncertain and doubtful. A relationship without established trust, regardless if your virginity status or not is a red flag. And my close friends who experienced that with plenty of dating and marriages can tell you this.
He is not like that I am very sure. I believe that he believes what he says it's just hard for me to accept it. If he just wanted sex he would be off by now. He tells me every time that he does not expect it from me and that he will wait until i feel comfortable. He agreed to take the sexual stuff slow even before I told him that I am a virgin. So I am pretty sure he is not a bad guy. And I don't want towait for marriage because I am definitely not ready for that and I also don't want to commit that much before knowing a person inside and outside.
Then be prepared to lose him when it doesn't last. He says that because he wants sex. A man doesn't have to leave because of that. He knows your a virgin he will wiat as long as he has to have that with a virgin. Now if you don't think it is not bad. Then yes, you are self-sabotaging because there is nothing for you to be afraid of then if you don't want to wait. Because sex is a marriage, and marriage is all about having sex. Once you have premarital sex with him and he doesn't want marriage god forbid, you're going to have a LOT of explaining to do sexually, with the next guy you want to be with.
Well start by accepting that you don't look bad or ugly at least, be contented with yourself. Accept yourself first and know that you deserve the best in life
Sounds like he's pretty attached to you, so honestly probably no need to worry. You can try to productivity roll with your insecurities and use it as a motivation to work on yourself, but it would be healthier to just toss this "he could do better mindset" and realize a guy like him is probably damn well aware of how many "chicks" he could pull if he wanted to yet he brought himself to a screeching halt to choose you and you alone. If not your looks then something else, but somethings got him sticking around fanboying over you. Maybe try taking some of that affection he's giving you and invest it in loving yourself a little more, and of course throw some his way as well.
Hey girl First i would like you to do is to just sit back on you're couch and remain calm for 10 minutes. Now let's see what we can do for you? Or rather you for you'reself Indeed the thought you are going through are quite common, everyone has self doubt in a relationship at some point or the other. Just listen girl, thing is everyone is beautiful and if you think consciously that he truly loves you then just go for it. If it turn out later to be bad it's fine girl because that's life. And whatever happens never ever think you are substandard than the others. Looks, money it doesn't matter as long as you are smiling and you're loved ones too... Focus on you're self and give you'reself a chance and just fall in life... All the best girl
It sounds like you are suffering depression and maybe you should seek out getting help for you to constantly put yourself down and can’t accept that you are a beautiful person isn’t a good thing , cuz you will never feel happiness if you can’t be happy with yourself , the brain is a powerful thing and it could be that the chemicals in your brain are making you feel that way , there are medications that can help the chemicals in your brain , so it doesn’t hurt to go get checked out and see a counselor
First of all you need to stop having any type of relationship other than friendship and family. Then you need to work on yourself, heal yourself from the inside. If it is too difficult and you cannot find the right tools to help you, I would suggest find a counselor. And don't be embarrassed, will people will actually respect you more. You need to be happy alone and enjoy your own company first before you have any kind of relationship with someone else. It sounds like a lot of bad experiences that have been building up and not dealt with.
I also agree here. But first give your self a chance to realize or understand the root of what makes you feel this way before you decide your path. It may be difficult but intime comming to an understatement of who you are will make great growth in yourself
You need to stop worrying about things that you cannot physically change. You need to let those things roll off your back. Only worry about the people closest to you and Friends. Don't worry about what other people think about you, worry about your family and friends and what they think. I'm not saying all of their advice is good, but sometimes it is good advice when you do get it. But don't be self-centered greedy and mean to others, just smile and walk away. When you are working on yourself remove yourself from Bad situations that you know the outcome of, you have been in them before. Start making a list of red flags I think she don't want in your life anymore. Don't ever drop your standards to be happy. It's better to be single and happy than in a relationship that is not healthy.
This man has understandment of ones self on lock. I like your thinking process. Im a studying. To be a schycologist. he's not wrong here but yet should still find comfort and understatement in ones selg before and always before others
There is an old saying and it is true. You have to help yourself before you can help others. When someone goes through this, they're not just making a better person for themselves but they are making a better person for the people around them that they love the most.
Most important, don't ever be in a relationship when both people don't want the same thing. If you know you're not going to be happy, remove yourself from that situation. I know sometimes it can be hard, but the sooner the better. The sooner you start, the sooner you will start feeling happy again. Actions always speak louder than words :-) and it's better when actions match the words that are spoken.
Never give up on yourself, do things that make you happy. We are accountable for our own lives, you are the one that sets you're heading and course in life.
Therapy. you have trust issues. that would have been established very young. time to work on and repair that inner child. Read about the sub conscious mind (or watch videos) then you should understand yourself better journal.. write down how you feel and how you'd like to be. write down impactful memories. all helpful for therapist.
the other possibility is you have good discernment and he's lying... it is possible, but doubt it.
I COMPLETELY understand where you are coming from, I just try to remind myself that letting my fears get to me will damage the relationship! Even though I am afraid things are not what they appear or they will go down hill, I remind myself that I need to just do my best to make the relationship good and even if it goes bad it won’t be on me. There’s no shame in failing, only in no trying!
I feel your pain. I think you have a fear of abandonment. You may fear that they won't like the real you, and you'd rather run first before they (you think) do.
It starts with loving yourself first. Accept your past mistakes and learn from them.
I think its normal to not feel up to the code for your parnter men do it do. But you should allow your self to accept it once and a while because just realize that he could very very well mean those things he's saying and you should appriciate his compliments once and a while to help yourself feel better because the longer you oush it the deeper your hole gets in self loathing
A lot of girls do that and it drives me crazy. Honestly makes it feel like a game if hot and cold. I think that's a part of what the last girl I dated did. I'm a patient person but at some point you have to chose to get past it or your wasting everyone's time.
If you dont love yourself, you can't love somebody else. I've learned that being happy by myself and therapy helped my get the self confidence i needed to be in a healthy relationship
Yeah because that’s how it works idiot. Self sabotaging is associated with a number of things. Past trauma, childhood experience you can’t just stop because it’s a psychological issue.
He’s right. Blunt but right. Now that she sees her pattern and what she’s doing, she halfway there. Now she needs to decide to stop... counseling will be a great tool to discover why and how to deal with the anxiety she probably feels and why she won’t accept good things. But it’s not just going to happen without a lot of work and effort and self discovery on her part. It’s like an alcoholic choosing not to drink every day... she needs to not listen to her negative thoughts and to choose to trust again. Because not every man is her ex that caused her distrust issues.
Holidays 
Girl's Behavior 
Guy's Behavior 
Flirting 
Dating 
Relationships 
Fashion & Beauty 
Health & Fitness 
Marriage & Weddings 
Shopping & Gifts 
Technology & Internet 
Break Up & Divorce 
Education & Career 
Entertainment & Arts 
Family & Friends 
Food & Beverage 
Hobbies & Leisure 
Other 
Religion & Spirituality 
Society & Politics 
Sports 
Travel 
Trending & News 
Most Helpful Opinions