Why do some people become controlling and possessive with a boyfriend or girlfriend?

[Anonymous]

It's just a boyfriend/girlfriend that they're dating, don't share assets, have no kids and it's likely they'll end up breaking up a couple times before finding the one you'll actually share a family with why act all controlling, jealous and possessive. A boyfriend/girlfriend is temporary, only consisting of a verbal agreement that can be broken any time. They're not even your family.

It's still wrong for a husband or wife to be jealous and possessive (that would be a toxic marriage and not good eother) but I find that behavior even more pathetic when they're only at the dating stage and already acting like that (ex: demanding who you spoke with, lol)? Why?

[SnowyOwl]

Because they get their sense of identity from the relationship status.. soft if it's not a 'perfect relationship ' then their identity is at risk.. at least that's the one reason I can think of. It's just a state of immaturity. Hopefully people grow out of that with age, as they learn from experience that they are independently I charge of their own happiness

[SnowyOwl]

Ty for mho

[IslaTheWitch]

insecurities or mental problems or both... :D

[AI Opinion]

Ah, the rollercoaster of dating life! 🎢 When people act all possessive or controlling at the dating stage, it often hints at deeper issues, like insecurity or a fear of abandonment. They might be lovebombing, trying to keep that sense of control due to past experiences. Remember, these behaviors are major red flags 🚩! Healthy relationships thrive on trust and respect, not clinginess or control freak antics. So, if someone’s being excessively possessive or jealous, it might be time to reflect on whether they’re a keeper or a “thanks, next” situation! 💔

[Finchie40]

Because they more than likely had their heart shit on before and have a hard time trusting

[Asker]

It's not the new person's fault though.

[Finchie40]

It’s not , but people that have had their heart shit on before have a hard time trusting , they assume the new person might do the same thing to them , so it’s hard for them to fully trust, because they experienced a trauma that sadly takes longer for them to get over. Why people that cheat are fucking assholes , because they don’t realize the damage they are doing to their partner , actually they realize but they just don’t care because cheaters are selfish people , that only care about themselves. The non cheater is traumatized because they have their heart and trust to that person just to be shit on. Which sadly will make them insecure and controlling because they are afraid to experience that again with someone else , I been cheated on a few times by girls’ to the point I had a hard time trusting a new girl completely, why I no longer jump into relationships with girls’ because I protect. myself from having my heart shot on again , I don’t control a girl but I will make it clear if she wants my respect , she needs to be respectful back to me or this relationship will last the short haul over the long haul , Basically what she doesn’t want me doing to her needs to be the same boundaries for her as well, not the other way around , if she choose to be selfish? I will be selfish as well. It’s not control , it’s called respect for each other , if you can’t remove selfishness for your partner , don’t expect them to do it for you. It needs to go both ways for any relationship to survive and for love to continue to grow , Your partner should always be your top priority the same way they should be making you theirs , if not? Your relationship will not last period

[alice55]

You have the response in your question "A boyfriend/girlfriend is temporary" this ways of thinking is why guys / girls get jealous because they date to get married for life and when assholes like this who belive girlfriend / boyfriend mean nothing is the reasons why they feel threaten din their relationship. That's totally justified to be controlling and jealous when you date people that don't give a shit about the relationship when you yourself care about it and take it seriously.

If for you girlfriend / boyfriend mean nothing then just do ONS and don't get a boyfriend / girlfriend, this is a high lack of respect for you partner.

[Asker]

I'm referring to a real controlling and possessive boyfriend/girlfriend that expects you to call them every 30 minutes and if not they can turn aggressive. That's not healthy nor normal.

[alice55]

then just respond, it's not a lot if you love them, if that's what it take to treasure them it's no big deal better that than the guy ignoring you all day..

[Asker]

I would honestly feel trapped if I had to call them every 30 minutes. If I'm at work (unavailable), we know that but called a lot that can't be normal. We all need our space too.

[alice55]

It wouldn't bother me, I would feel loved, guys now just never text or call they love just ignoring girls during days and never responding fast.
Having someone that text so fast and often is good.
You can respond at work, I mean it depend which one but in office job I use my phone a lot
space is when you're single not in couple

[NathanOlipop]

When people do that, which are normally poor lower class people who do that, they're objectifying the other person. They see them as something they possess like an object and don't respect that persons autonomy or personal values. This is a more serious situation than what most people can understand without emotional intelligence, being purely inferred here instead. Imagine you are playing video games in your room and your mother and father literally see you are theirs, like some kind of pet. Sick isn't it?

[alice55]

What you'r saying doesn't make sense you talk as if you can do whatever you want in a relationship while you can't you're single anymore there's always boundaries to respect.

[PeachyPie93]

Is that really possessive to want to know who you talked to? Are you a hoe by any chance with a lot of male friends? or posting yourself half naked on Instagram or whatnot? Context really matters.. if you have done nothing to cause the behaviour he is just abusive and insecure.. but if you are fucking around, it is normal so they can avoid getting hurt and can move on from you.

[alice55]

She said "A boyfriend/girlfriend is temporary" so with this mindset it's no wonder the dudes is jealous, if you get in a relationship with someone that just think of you as temporary..

[PeachyPie93]

@alice55 Yeah.. that is crazy to have that mindset in your 30's.. its like how do you get a husband if boyfriends are just temporary? Like a husband will just fall into her lap LOL

[Asker]

No I meant when they start getting jealous to the point of getting into a fight with even your cousin of the opposite gender, expecting you to call every 30 minutes, frequently asking where you are, calling excessively (even when you're at work) and lastly getting aggressive... that type of jealousy and controlling behavior.

[PeachyPie93]

Oh then yeah that is crazy behaviour..

[alice55]

Yes that's so weird XD
No husband will come if they see this, this is just a big red flag

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

The way I see it, the purpose of controlling someone is to feel reassured. Reassured to make sure the loved object cannot be lost. Seen this way, I think the concept of marriage serves the same purpose, mutual reassurance through mutual control, in a socially acceptable form.

[Ladsin2]

"A boyfriend/girlfriend is temporary" that's your problem right there. It's not supposed to be. Dating is supposed to be for the purpose of family creation and marriage. Sure it doesn't always work out, but that's the purpose of the thing, thus it makes sense to be possessive of your partner. Everyone is possessive of that which they love. Hence the phrase, "I'm yours, and you're mine."

[Asker]

But people in the past dated for 2 years or less, then got married. That's what dating was about, for serious commitment not long-term dating, which then sounds like prolonged friends with benefits situation.
I meant when it starts getting unhealthy such as them calling you frequently when you're working, asking where you are too much and with a controlling tone of voice if you can't stand that or expecting you to call every 30 minutes. That type of possessiveness isn't good at all.

[Ladsin2]

"True" love is possessive, always has been, always will be. It's why every first love we have we want to be with the person 24/7. Why we get upset when they don't call us back or text us right away. Why we want to always be on their mind. I'm sure you remember your first love. Over time and over the course of failed relationships we lose that because we acknowledge that it may not work out, so we always hold back. That's a sad thing in my estimation.

As for the actual why of the matter. We're both displaying mate-guarding behaviors. Chimps sing to each other and spend time together on branches. We do something similar. Men are trying to be able to account of their woman's whereabouts at any time of the day to ensure paternity. Women want to ensure that no other woman is going to be able to take resources that should be for her and her children.

[Asker]

But when they get aggressive and jealous to the point of getting into a fight with your cousin of the opposite gender it's not healthy nor normal.

[Asker]

Or them confusing your opposite sex brother/sister for a lover, jumping to conclusion... then that type of possessiveness is toxic.

[Ladsin2]

That doesn't sound like your boyfriend... That sounds like a stalker. How does he not know who your family is? I think things are just getting made up now.

[Asker]

That's not my experience. Those are examples I'm referring. It did happened to one of my friends and she had to get a restraining order.

[Nikki1989]

A combination of immaturity and insecurity. It is a toxic recipe.

[MoonFace2]

A combination of subconscious insecurity about their own worth and a sense of entitlement.

[lorenzomichael]

Because they’re fucking psychos and you need to stay away from those ones. Because it always ends up all bad.

[SiegmundWalsung]

Either they're a piece of shit or they care about you.

For me I know that if I'm not trying to control you, it means I don't care about you.

[Emmytexrex]

It stems from insecurity and fear of loosing you to someone else trust me I know this a lot they don't trust you that much if they do they won't be scared of loosing you because they know you won't do that

[OlofssonBengtsson]

Because it's your body men's choice now that Trump won and is going to fix the US.

[Unit1]

They are yandere!

[Unit1]

a yandere character is typically someone who starts off with an intense, often innocent, love for someone. However, their love quickly turns obsessive and unhealthy. They exhibit extreme jealousy, possessiveness, and a strong desire to control their loved one, often to the point of violence or manipulation if they perceive any threat to their relationship. This can involve isolating the person they love from others, stalking, or even harming others (or the loved one) to "protect" or "keep" their affection.

[Penelope79]

Probably cause they cheated and worried it happen to them.

[Anonymous]

Jealousy. And yeah I hate that, but I do get a little jealous if the other person gives me reason.

[Christian_Cartier]

Well, a relationship is based on trust. People act that way when their trust is violated. They feel deceived.

[genericname85]

if you're controlling, that means you're coping with loss or betrayal.

[Anonymous]

They are probably jealous that someone more attractive might seduce their girlfriend/boyfriend.

[Asker]

Even if it happens, there are lots of other women/men to date. A boyfriend or girlfriend have no obligation to stay with you permanently.

[Opinion Owner]

I know, but lots of people expect loyalty from their girlfriend/boyfriend.

[Anonymous]

Childhood trauma could be a good trigger.

[slatyb]

Insecurity.

[Intheclouds00]

Insecurity