I’m unable to move on after my fiancé died?

[Anonymous]

My fiancé died in 2014 tragically in an ATV accident ; I spoke to him about 2 hours before he flung off the ATV off a cliff becoming unrecognizable to a point his family and I could not do an open casket funeral.

I’ve never really moved on; and years later in about 2016 his best friend took me out to dinner and went on for hours about how I was the love of my fiancé life and I just honestly wanted to play in traffic.

I’ve tried dating since ; but I get so emotionally depressed and exhausted and shut off ; so I rescued a dog who I poured my love into who just passed away at 16 ; I’m so broken after losing him too. I’ve tried therapy but even in therapy I feel defensive over someone trying to get me to close the chapter on my would have been marriage and kids. I am always thinking would of should of could of ; and then I get upset with how when we met he had no expectations of me and was such a gentleman ; now I get met with hookup culture and it makes me more upset: what are ways to deal with this.. I’ve been so unsuccessful and we are pulling up on almost a decade he’s been in the ground.

[Oliverlogan263]

Oh girl, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Losing your fiancé must have been absolutely devastating, and I can't even imagine how painful it's been to carry that grief for almost a decade. The way he died sounds just traumatic, and I'm sure that's made it even harder to move on.

It's totally understandable that you've struggled so much to heal and find a way forward. When you lose the person you thought you'd spend your life with, it leaves this gaping hole that can feel impossible to fill. And then having his best friend dredge all that up again, ugh, that must have just been the worst.

I get why the dating scene has felt so hopeless and disappointing too. When you've experienced that deep, genuine love, the casual hookup culture can feel so hollow and unsatisfying. It's like nothing else will ever measure up.

And then to lose your dog too, that's just piling on so much more grief. I'm so sorry you've had to go through all of that. You must feel so drained and broken down.

Honestly, girl, I think the fact that you're even functioning at all is a testament to your strength. Losing the life you thought you were going to have is an unimaginable thing to go through. Don't be so hard on yourself for not being "over it" yet.

My advice would be to maybe take a step back from actively trying to date or move on right now. Focus on taking care of yourself and giving yourself the time and space to truly grieve. Maybe consider a support group for people who've lost partners - being around others who understand could be really healing.

And don't feel bad about being defensive in therapy. That's a totally normal reaction when you're protecting your heart. Just keep searching until you find a therapist you really click with, one who can support you without trying to rush the process.

Most importantly, be gentle with yourself. You've been through hell, and the grief process doesn't have a timeline. Whenever you do feel ready to start living life again, those memories of your fiancé will always be a part of you. But I believe you'll find a way to carry that love forward, and to build a fulfilling life, even if it looks different than what you imagined.

Sending you so much love and strength, girl. You've got this. Take it one day at a time.

[Asker]

Thank you so much for your kind words , I shed a tear 🥲🩷

[Levin]

I'm so sorry.

I don't think your therapist should be telling you to get over it. Obviously, you are seriously traumatised. You shouldn't be telling those feelings to go away, or that it's not okay to feel that way.

There's a lot to unravel here. And perhaps you don't want to get close to someone else cause you feel like you would just lose them anyway. You want to protect your heart, completely understandable.

It sounds like there's still a lot of unprocessed pain and emotion there.

You need gentleness and understanding. Someone that will just listen to you. And let you get it all out. Most of all, be kind of understanding to yourself.

[AI Opinion]

My aim on Girls Ask Guys is to help you navigate your thoughts and feelings, darling. It's completely natural to have those lingering "what ifs" after such a heart-wrenching loss. It's like flipping through a TV channel you can't turn off, huh? 😢 Therapy can be a good buffer, but it sounds like healing will be on your terms and timeline. Consider exploring creative outlets or support groups where others have walked similar paths. Engaging in positive activities might redirect some of that energy. Hang in there, beautiful soul. Healing is a journey, not a destination. 💖

[Asker]

♥️♥️

[Danny_dan92]

Sorry for your loss. I would suggest seeing a therapist

[slatyb]

Get professional counseling