I'm AFAB (28) with lifelong disphoria, and after taking birth control, I ruined my relationship, does anyone else understand?

[Ar15improvbackup]

Since childhood, I’ve always felt like I wanted to be a boy, but my sheltered upbringing limited my understanding of options. In my early 20s, I found a way to access testosterone (not through medical means) for almost two years. It helped immensely with my dysphoria, especially since I’ve had minimal hormonal changes and very light periods throughout my life.

In early 2024, after an assault, I started using Depo-Provera for safety, and later tried the pill while in a relationship. However, they didn't listen to me and gave me Norethindrone/ethinyl estradiol caused significant emotional and behavioral changes. I became overly emotional, crying during conversations even when I didn’t want to, and struggled with dysphoria, stress, and aggravated my PTSD and ADHD, which I usually manage well.

My partner (AMABnon-conforming) found this challenging. Though he suggested my behavior wasn’t entirely due to hormones, he likely wasn’t aware of my prior use of Depo before we got together thus I forgive this. Eventually, the stress on both our mental health led to the end of our romantic relationship. We remain friends and still live together, but it’s been hard seeing how much I love them, and no matter what he said, I feel at fault in an unfair way.

I’m currently exploring free healthcare options to access mood stabilizers and address these challenges. I’m also looking for support from others who’ve experienced or supported someone through similar struggles.

I’d like advice on how to effectively communicate with my ex about these issues, as we both still care deeply for each other. Ultimately, I want to find a way to feel more like myself again and better manage my emotions without alienating those around me.

Questions:

• Has anyone else experienced or supported someone through similar hormonal and emotional challenges?
• How can I approach a meaningful and empathetic conversation with my ex about these struggles while respecting his boundaries?

[Ez-Bri-Z_v2]

I think it needs to start by finding a doctor who will prescribe the correct medication for you so that it doesn't interfere with your testosterone intake. That should take care of the emotional fluctuations aside from what T does to you.

Was your boyfriend supportive of your transition? If so, I'd start by telling him that it's most likely the medication causing the issue and that you have no more control over it than he does with his own emotions. The problem with cis males is a lot of them have stunted emotions so it's hard for them to understand when hormones are causing the mood swings. They understand happiness and anger pretty well so I'd go with those two.

Also, as a side note, a lot of people on this site are not pro-trans. Just ignore them and focus on the ones trying to help.

[Ar15improvbackup]

I actually (probably too late for the relationship, but never too late for my personal needs) thankfully was given acess to an affordable healthcare hotline in my county last night and will be hearing from someone in a few days, the best hope right now is most importantly, mood stabalizers, and a therapist so I actually can talk to someone without fear of bothering others.

They were aware of my gender preference and journey from day 1 and we both appreciate knowing we both have had the same journey and have the same gender understandings with different birth sexes, so it was never an issue I would've thought, but I do wonder if they just couldn't comprehend the effect as it was already stressing both of us out. I do think that they probably still have a lot to learn in that aspect overall, seeing as to most practically, he was not with healthy past partners, and those women more or less used him as a maid, so he couldn't listen to his own needs and my own telling him to, and in hand felt like he had to be a borderline emotional maid, when he has his own things, so I chose to try to explain when I recognized it, but it's hard to when he just needs me to stop for a moment, and we can't find time to have those conversations due to outside things.

There's also the fact that he is almost a decade older than me, so even though he is very modern and has accepting parents, etc., I've pondered how much he actually got to understand that (no sisters, all his family is much older, he was born quite late for his parents age, most of his female friends are usually transwomen, and also online, so there's fault for disconnect, but room to learn.)

Beyond that, in relation to your last sentence, I presumed it to be the case, this has always come across as a very conservative site (I made new accounts for identity protection because this)

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[Ar15improvbackup]

Thankfully, he does clarify he still DOES love me, care for me, etc, and he and I are still living together, he is still relatively sweet, and I highly hope for his own personnel growth for the misunderstandings on his end, while I sort my things out, and we can try again one day, They're the apple of my eye, and deserve a lot of patience and room for growth from these types of things, and knowthat I still ham on their team, and even if it saddens me deeply, I respect that it might be too much between other matters, and the clear need to explore himself. I've had a longer timme to be able to heal and can recognize my faults, but like I told him yesterday

"sadly at the end of the day I must say that I'm aware that the very first genuine love out of a slew of pain will always be so tragic because you don't know how to be able to cope with it until you have the time to look back and realize and I just hope that he will never regret in that maybe he will understand that I will always have his back and just be happy for when he learns... I know that he is a better person who's hurting and at the end of the day true love is genuinely supporting somebody and being on their side well they heal and trying your best to do what you must to let them heal while not giving in yourself
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[Ar15improvbackup]

Traumas will always be there because every person that hurt you rips a hole in you and the best you can do is figure out how to live with it and be able to accept it when people are genuinely seeing that hole in you and saying I see you as who You... until someone can fully recognize that the nature of their hurt, they can never truly be able to accept love because they don't know that that's what it is and it's something I had to learn a long time ago"
_ I literally wrote that in discord yesterday for him after a small misunderstanding on his part, and I'm actually very happy that he genuinely listened, agreed I'm right, and wants time to self reflect it seems.

That said, I hope they can, they deserve happiness, and I really hope one day I can still discuss with my close friend in him, these defining factors as I work towards myself too, and you'll never knowwhat will happen in the future, but I pray it's good. I want the best for us both, and I still love them with a burning passion, but I must give him his time to feel better again, then maybe, we can discuss things like this, and he can see my improvement as well.

Sorry for the longwinded response.
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[Ez-Bri-Z_v2]

There is no need to apologize at all! I don't mind seeing long responses. Sometimes, I do them myself.

What you wrote to him was very heartfelt and true. I'm glad he still has feelings for you, and that may be something to build from. Not necessarily a relationship, but even if it is a friendship that's really close, that works.

It really sucks that those past traumas with previous relationships are affecting him as they do, and maybe he would do well to see a therapist himself. He could use it to work through those and with his relationship with you.

If you ever need to vent or just wanna chat, my DMs are open. That way, you don't have to overshare in public on this site and have people criticize if they do see it.