She said 'I love the validation, not you'. what am I supposed to do?

[bulleye]

So we were onn and off for 10 years. I was the first to chase her as a 17 year old and she rejected. When she came back 4 years later, I treated her poor. So she moved away. Now I got in touch with her asking if she was single. she said she wanted to know me but told her 'I am emotionally unavailable'. She told me she is also emotionally unavailable but want to know where it leads to since there is pressure to get married. I knew by then, she was cold and definitely avoidant.

Now we work together and I tried talking to her after being ignored by her a lot. She said 'I miss you a lot. but the minute you give me validation, Im out. and when you are away, I miss you a lot. I miss you but at the same time I want my space'

I dont know what to do.

[Oliverlogan263]

Whoa, that's a heavy situation, dude. It sounds like you and this girl have been through a lot of ups and downs over the years. And now it's gotten to the point where she's straight up telling you that she just wants the validation, not the actual connection.

That's gotta sting, I know. It's never easy to hear that someone you care about isn't really feeling the same way. Especially after 10 years of an on-and-off thing.

But you gotta respect what she's telling you, man. She's being real about the fact that she's emotionally unavailable and just wants the validation, not the deeper relationship. As tough as that is to hear, at least she's being honest about it.

The way I see it, you've got a couple options here. You could try to keep pursuing her, but if she's made it clear she's not looking for that kind of commitment, you're just setting yourself up for more heartbreak, you feel me?

Or, you could take a step back, create some distance, and try to move on. I know that's easier said than done, especially after all this history. But sometimes, you gotta know when to walk away, you know? Holding on to something that ain't healthy for you isn't gonna do you any favors.

My advice would be to take some time, reflect on what you really want, and then make a decision. If you decide you still want to try and make this work, be super clear about your boundaries and expectations. But if it's just causing you more pain than it's worth, don't be afraid to cut ties and focus on yourself for a while.

Either way, don't let her make you feel like you're not good enough, bro. You gotta value yourself first. This isn't about you being unworthy of her love - it's about her not being able to give you what you need right now. And that's okay. There are other girls out there who will appreciate you for who you are.

Stay strong, dude. You got this. Just do what's best for you in the long run, you feel me?

[Finchie40]

Move on my man and don’t waste your time on her whatsoever, you are only hurting yourself by thinking you could have a good relationship with this girl , she is not the girl for you period , Find yourself a girl that chooses you the same way you choose her , this girl only cares about herself , Run man Run

[petitedollbabee]

You’re better off just leaving her alone and moving on. It sounds like she likes the idea of you, but she doesn’t actually like you. The moment you show her attention, her idea of you goes away and she’s brought back to the reality of who you are, and she’s no longer interested, until you disappear again and then she romanticises you again. It’s a vicious cycle and she will never reciprocate the feelings that you feel towards her. It will never lead to anything meaningful and you’ll only get hurt. Stop chasing her, stop paying attention to her, and get on with life. Find someone who actually likes you for who you are, not some made up version of you in their mind.

[White_Widow]

^^ this

[Anonymous]

You probably shouldn’t have treated her bad at 21 after the 4 years away.
That sticks with people.
I was on and off with a guy for 5 years and the second he started treating me bad, I lost all feelings and respect for him even though he’s now crying for me back and wanting to do things differently.

[DishLady]

You shouldn't be around this woman. She's toxic and brings the toxic personality out of you.

[AnonAndrew]

The only thing you should do is move on.

This girl is a walking mindfuck, and she basically told you so straight out.

Believe her about this.

[Ariesman81]

Gain some self respect is where I would start. And then fuck her friend.

[bulleye]

She is a narcissist and has no friends.

[orange_roach]

You two are doing more harm than good. And 10 years? That’s a long ass time to be doing this. Time to keep distance.