My boyfriend told me to kms, I dont know what/how to feel?

[Anonymous]

hi all

my (27F) boyfriend (33m) had a argument about an hour ago, it was super silly how it started.

i am super crafty and creative, i have various of craft hobbies i love to do. I ordered some Embroidery hoops and i was struggling really bad putting my artwork in 1, i asked my boyfriend and i said “good luck, its so hard” he tried and tried. I offered to try again and he said “okay”, then i gave up and he snatched everything from my hand again. He started screaming (keep in mind, his drunk and was the whole time) and then he stopped i said “see, its super hard. I give up, i will just try later” he blew up, saying stuff like “omg your getting stressed over a fucking hobby? Grow up. Your cringe”. I said “you want me to grow up?” He said “derr thats what i said, your hobbies are cringe. Grow up. You dont need a new computer desk, you just wanted one” he then whinges about money, (he literally only pays rent and alcohol to fund his addiction. I do everything) i said “i didn't think that when you took $700 off me for a computer monitor or spent $3,000 on a tower when we had other things to pay for…” he said “omg your such a hypocrite go and die, go and kill yourself, your such a cunt like your mother. Go back to her, get out of my house” i contribute more here, its my soul thats here. I've done everything to make my house my home… the tried to talk to me and hug me and i refused, he is hitting things and breaking things, cause i won't talk to him. I just want to get out, but i dont know how, i have no family here. Im literally all alone, i moved away from my friends and family and its so miserable. They live ages away, i sacrificed this so he would have all his family and friends at the touch of his finger tips

[Summeroflove]

Number one I’m sorry he said that to you number two contact help even if he technically has not broken a law you can still get help in getting to a shelter for the time being.

There are some things that once it’s said you just cannot come back from and telling someone to kill themselves and to die is one of those things. When you can get in touch with family as well.

Narcissists and other dark personalities just remember it’s always YOUR fault you can be the best girlfriend in the entire world. It’s your fault even if the relationship is one sided. Arguments over stupid stuff is a major sign the relationship is doomed to fail at some point or another. Get out you’ll be better off

[Asker]

Really makes me so upset that im not a “hypocrite” or told to “die” when he expects me to give out (if you know what i mean) or when i cook him meals every single day, when he wants his washing done, when the house is clean. I work part time on top of being a slave, i come home to do it all over again. I dont get time to myself, a nice bath? Nope. maybe getting my hair done at the salon? Nope. Getting my nails done? Nope. My last $100 i had left he wanted a new pc game and sushi. I never have anything for myself anymore, as long as he has a new pc game or a bottle in his hand everything is fine 😪

[sawno]

Alright let me recalibrate your perspective a bit by comparing it to my last relationship. We never had a real fight in 2 years, we did have disagreements and things to work out of course, upsetting each other could happen but it was always a taking distance until we were calm enough and then talking it out and seeking solutions routine. With maybe a few exceptions we'd typically solve it in a day or few hours. But even when angry, we never degraded each other or name called. The intent was never to hurt the other person, our love was clear even when upset and we always approached it with the attitude of I love you but i'm mad at you lets try and fix it so we can continue instead of lashing out.

To me the above reads like your boyfriend doesn't love you at all, he may think he does, he may say he does but he doesn't. On top of that he has an alcohol problem. Is this the kind of guy you want to grow old with and believe loves you? Or is this the alternative out of fear of missing out. Because you are 27, you can date and find someone better than this and now is a much better time for that than 5 years from now when you truly can't take it anymore.

The way out is to go back to what you left behind, hit up those you had to leave behind if there's a place to stay or otherwise see if anything is available somewhere. From the temporary place you will have the space to find a place of your own again.

[Asker]

At first i really wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, we have pets (all in my name) and i really love my home. But he makes it feel like a prison, i know he has a drinking problem and I’ve spoken to him before about it and he said “you dont love me! Youd never make me choose and ill always choose beer, cause you and work make me drink” I've never stressed him out until he drinks, he stresses himself out. He gets to put his feet up and drink and play PC games, while i work, cook, clean, wash clothes. I am a maid essentially, i dont want to live like this anymore. I threatened to leave before when he treated me like crap at his sisters birthday dinner (in front of everyone), i wish i did then and i wish i do now. Its just hard cause i have pets and i dont want to get rid of them, they are the only reason i come home after work. The only things i have here

[sawno]

Whose house is it financially speaking? If your doing all the work is it your house? If so you can kick him out instead of leaving.

[Asker]

Our lease is in both of our names, but you walk into the house and I've contributed more than him. I buy new bed sheets when we need them, new towels, clothes, underpants, socks, etc. i pay for our wifi and our subscriptions to apps (e. g disney+, netflix, etc). I have to buy my art supplies from cheap sites cause i can't afford to get them local. I make things and hang them around as decor, i maintain the pets, pick up beer bottles everyday. I put more into the house, while he spends $200+ on beer just to piss it out 5 seconds later. My family dont visit cause they over heard him say nasty things about them. It makes me feel so alone 😔

[Asker]

I also pay rent too, i forgot to add that

[sawno]

Biggest advice I can give is tell your family and ask for help. They will likely want to help you leave him.

[Asker]

My mom has overheard him talk about my family, she's heard him say very nasty things about her. She doesn't visit cause he had a tantrum one time about her visiting and she didn't realise the time and she left. She lives a long time away, he had a tantrum and set rules for her, like she can visit but only stay for 3 hours max or can't stay until 10pm. Whereas his family (his sisters in particular) can do anything, one of his sisters dumps her toddler here when she wants to go around the town spreading her legs (she's dont it numerous of times), she even dumped her unwanted dog here (its only for a week…. Its been 9 months and its still here… attacking my cats through my back door) she also went to throw a open house party… at my house… without my permission (she got her fathers and her brothers permission. Made me feel like i dont live here either). They came over for Christmas one time and trashed my house, left dirty used diapers everywhere for me to pick up and messed me kitchen, the more i cleaned it the dirter they made it. His sisters treat us (especially me) like a babysitting doormat. I've set boundaries with them to my partner and he just blew them under the rug, they visit unannounced and bring their dogs here and open my doors and walk through my house and go through my personal stuff, like cupboards, pantry and my wardrobe. I hate people doing that, I’ve expressed this to him and he didn't care. Makes me house feel like a dog park and not a home

[sawno]

Its exactly why I think your mom will be very willing to help you get out.

[Asker]

I need someone too, i can't take his tantrums anymore. He rang me a few hours ago and i ignored it, then he said “please ring me” i asked why and he rang again and said “i was think about last night, like i dont know why i said that. I know you stress over money too” i said “what? You really think i am upset over that? When you work it out ring me back” and i got off the phone, he texted me and said “i know why your upset, it is what i said… wasn't it? You know alcohol makes me angry” i said “well why keep drinking it? If you know it makes you angry and me disappointed why keep doing it? I can't do this anymore” he hasn't texted me back

[Anonymous]

He got frustrated at the activity rather then you but took it out on you for some reason. His outburst was over the top.
You will either tolerate his alcoholism, carrying him and the house, or you'll move somewhere where you have more support.