Is infatuation really needed for a successful long-term relationship or marriage?

[Shelly2002]

Do most relationships have that or can it jump straight into deep connections, compatible goals, genuine affection, loyalty, respect and deep love, not just admiration and feeling the highs.

Do you really need to be infatuated to have a successful long-term relationship or it leading to marriage? Or can you just love them a lot, without that first stage? Is infatuation important? I heard that can actually blind you and not let you make better judgements of that person since you're thinking they're perfect and they're not.

Yes

No

[DishLady]

Infatuation is basically the same as "puppy love" -- it can be VERY intense, but in the end it's just based on superficial criterion about someone you barely know. What happens in cases of infatuation is that the admirer gets caught up in the traits he/she admires about a person, which becomes the focal point of their attraction. It usually goes beyond just physical appearance, but it glosses over ALL SORTS of flaws. Folks love being infatuated because of the emotional engagement it creates, but ultimately if the feelings are (1) not reciprocated and (2) not followed up with attempts at real and significant communication with the other person, then there's no room for growth or flourishing, which means there's no means for a relationship to develop. Infatuation CAN LEAD to the trail of breadcrumbs that ultimately feed into a relationship of some sort, however on its own it never amounts to much more than just an intense, fleeting "crush" on the person we temporarily admire because of one quality we find attractive with a "tunnel vision" that prevents us from seeing who the person really is, flaws and all. (In cases of lasting relationships, a person is able to love another, flaws and all, and sees the WHOLE person clearly, which takes time. Infatuation can happen in the matter of moments and is a transient thing.)

[ArrowheadSW]

Excellent points that you make regarding infatuation!

[Vesuvius87]

Honestly infatuation is for kids and teens. That's short-lived, gets old too fast and at some point in your life, you're looking for compatibility, love, respect and trust. Once you've experienced infatuation and the relationship either didn't last, you had absolutely nothing in common or you've realized the person was very toxic, that's when your time gets wasted.

Meanwhile actually loving your long-term partner with their flaws and working as a team is a conscious decision. You get to decide who to love and it's not just base on pathetic chemical reactions that causes you to live in fantasies and idealizing them too much. Therefore no, you don't need infatuation to have a healthy, successfully long-term relationship or marriage.

[NicholasRedone]

@Vesuvius87 there are exceptions - the anxiety prone, the ADD / ADHD prone - go figure 🙃🤍❤️‍🔥😋 once they're mutually clinged on, they're latched on mutually -' unless it fades ; which it can if one or both decide it's like "nah... only what could have been..."

[Vesuvius87]

@NicholasRedone
yeah those people get attached too easily and it can be detrimental. With the highs (during infatuation) where you're feeling euphorically, then comes the lows. What comes up so high (esp if there was no strong foundating in the relationship besides intense attraction and lust), eventually comes down hard with the lows.

[NicholasRedone]

@Vesuvius87 honestly though, adults are not immune to having crushes on other adults - humans are humans 🧠🧠🤣

[Vesuvius87]

@NicholasRedone
True. Yet, we can still actively decide to walk away from those intensive thoughts esp if it's either not reciprocal or it's going nowhere.

[ArrowheadSW]

Good point.

[Finchie40]

You honestly shouldn’t marry anyone until the infatuation period runs it’s course and you both see the big picture and you both see eye to eye on a lot of things together , it doesn’t have to be perfect , because no one is perfect , but you both should be choosing each other and making each other your top priority , if you both want a long lasting happy relationship or marriage that lasts the long haul over the short haul , Most people are infatuated with someone new that they first meet and think that person is absolutely amazing and attractive without seeing the big picture , they just assume they are this amazing person that gives them the tingly feelings lol. Sadly those tingly feelings can either come or go once they realize that person isn’t who they assumed them to be from the beginning. Why I no longer rush into relationships with girls’ until I really get to know her and see the big picture , by me doing that I had better success in relationships and less time having my heart broken or shit on. I will not commit to a girl until her and I know for sure we are making each other our top priority

[Vesuvius87]

Perfectly said. To be honest, I didn't have the infatuation period (honeymoon stage...''I love you to the moon and the stars'' for the sake of saying it and feeling, juvenile nonsense) with my now husband. We were already compatible and had a deep, mature connection. I think it's perhaps due to our older ages (37 and 50 years old). The older you get and if you've been burned before on a past relationship that was base on pure infatuation and passion or others, the less likely you'll get infatuated easily and instead make conscious decisions to commit and love the real person for their flaws and common values.

[Finchie40]

Yea compatibility is very important in any relationship, if you don’t have that , you really have nothing , Accepting someone for who they are is what matters most , if you are only accepting perfection , then Good Lick with that lol

[DopeTurtle]

I would say each relationship dynamic that works might vary couple to couple because what brings you love and longevity might differ person to person.
I found that a deep respect, compassion and genuine connection/ friendship mixed with love has the best recipe for success.


I’ve done the passionate relationship where the Highs are euphoric and the lows are depressing. The main thing I look for is mutual understanding and genuine compassion within the relationship. Love will form naturally but the way it grows will last the trials and tribulations of relationships because we view each other as equals that will defend one another and believe in the other’s goals and dreams because they are a fantastic person and you’re just happy to see them smile.

[NicholasRedone]

Indeed 👍🏻

[Shelly2002]

yeah I don't want to waste my youthful years on infatuation and then end up not knowing the man very well. I think it's wrong to get married just out of pure feelings and not know what you're getting into and if the person even shares common goals on other areas.

[DopeTurtle]

I don’t think it’s a total waste but everything is good in moderation. Feelings are like the engine but your decision on how to utilize the engine is just as important. The most important thing to seek in a partner is the potential growth/ evolution.

If they are someone who is very good to you and capable of learning from experiences and understanding other people’s experiences then you’re holding onto something worth fighting for

[NicholasRedone]

Hell I know I don't want offspring and weddings sounds like social anxiety and pressures and expectations

[Anonymous]

I don't think I've met a woman yet where infatuation WASN'T needed.😆

I've often described "limmerance" as hormones secreted into your brain that inspire feelings of closeness and affection that you otherwise have no rational reason to. In short without this I don't think it's possible to get close enough to someone. With the EXCEPTION of long, long friendships. Because in those bonds are already built between the two. Most the women that have taken a shine to me only did so after we'd known eachother for some time.

[Shelly2002]

Honestly, I don't want a man to fall in love with me out of pure lust and feelings. That's like saying you like a book after only briefly reviewing the synopsis but you never actually took the time to read it all, know what's it really about and then make a decision afterwards.
Many marriages are failing because of that reason. Several people probably think the honeymoon stage will last forever and fail to realize that's just a stage caused by chemical hormones but you're not actually consciously deciding.

[Opinion Owner]

Most people never make it out of the honeymoon stage. Limmerance typically lasts anywhere from a couple months to up to 3 years. Most people that say they were in love with "fill in the blank", were actually NEVER in love with that person. They just think they were. And you're RIGHT. People SHOULD view "love" as you do. But I've been around for almost a half a century and virtually NO WOMAN thinks the way you do. They may say they do. But EVERY action they take says otherwise. Most women WANT that emotional lift. A lot of women today don't actual want a relationship really with any guy. Most are just junkies to that emotionally lift. Even the downfall. Some women are just as addicted to that. This is why they are in and out of relationships. They're always searching for that next high, that next fix. I wish more guys understood that and would only give women attention that truly invest in them.

[Purpleronnie]

Infatuation is not healthy period and so nobody would suggest it’s needed in a long term relationship. Nobody that truly understands what that means would seek or desire it. Infatuation isn’t lust , it’s all encompassing , smothering , “un-reasoning” love.


Sicko stalkers , “they” are infatuated and from a relative distance , can you imagine that inside a relationship?

[Shelly2002]

This is well said. Then they confuse infatuation for love. They think that just because they're feeling the high, that it is love but it isn't. I think several relationships or marriages are failing for that reason; because people think you're going to forever live idealizing your partner, having intense physical attraction and thinking they're perfect. That's not love.

[Purpleronnie]

Great points well made , the highs and intensity of attraction , newness are confused with love. Where I’m from they call that being “loved up” like the honeymoon period of any new relationship. But when the dust settles and the “shine” of newness wears off.

[Purpleronnie]

Then they fall from that pedestal and suddenly it’s over when it was never anything in the first place

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

To me, this question talks about a larger framework, such as: "Do you need to feel desire to live a better life?"

Yes, I do need it, in the broadest sense of what desire means, in every directions it can go.

Any other considerations, such as what kind of desire, how long, how intense etc are suspicious attempts at rationalize feelings, which I find irrelevant, inadequate in the context.

[Zack-Bann]

Not needed but a nice thing to have in moderation


I would rather feel a roller coaster of love emotions towards my wife as opposed to contempt


Either way I wouldn’t tank the marriage on account of that but it’s not so bad to want enjoyable fun experiences in your daily life.

[sawno]

No, my last and best relationship I destroyed being infatuated early on because I didn't think we could end up together. Despite that true love grew.

[IslaTheWitch]

love is a higher emotion and needs time to develop...

[Vesuvius87]

It depends on the relationship. It can happen without the initial infatuation period if you've already done a vetting process and both have common goals and values. Then you focus on that mainly and not the ''butterflies in the stomach'' that doesn't let you see things clearly.

[IslaTheWitch]

@Vesuvius87 so you make a relationship expecting that love will evolve with time only because you have common goals... but what if it doesn't? spending your whole life with someone you feel no spark for... must be... sad...

[Vesuvius87]

It happened in my case with my husband. I have commitment, love and our expecting baby boy on the way. That's way more important than the need to feel constant butterflies in the stomach (''the feeling of being on cloud 9 and idealizing them too much, thinking they're perfect).
Even more sad and worse (from experience) is to have a lot of spark towards someone, go through an entire infatuation, lustful stage, only to then realize you guys had absolutely nothing in common, it wasn't love afterall and they were a toxic, cruel person that took advantage of that stage to play/scam you. Or be infatuated so much but never getting out of that stage, never loving them in the end. You don't love them if you're just in the infatuation period. That's not love.

[Vesuvius87]

Honestly wasting time on too much infatuation and less time on actual commitment (letting chemicals take over instead of you consciously deciding to love) can be detrimental if it turns out that there was nothing in that relationship in the end.

[IslaTheWitch]

@Vesuvius87 it's greate that the love developed with time... unfortunately, it's rather a rare case... so we can't make a rule from an exception :D

[Oncewildtwiceburned]

I would say infatuation on the female side is more crucial and beneficial especially in the beginning of the relationship, however, it’s a detriment for the man to be infatuated.

[Vesuvius87]

I've been there, done that in the past and it was detrimental in the end. The low was the depressing part. How is that a benefit if the female ends up infatuated with someone toxic and realized there was nothing special at the relationship, there was nothing from the beginning?

[Oncewildtwiceburned]

@Vesuvius87 Because its natural, you didn’t have to think about it. It comes off as weakness when a guy is infatuated. There’s always outliers and rare exceptions but generally its cringe and effeminate. I’m sure you want a strong man not one that acts like a young woman.

[Vesuvius87]

Then when it fails badly, she's already much older (not a teen nor in her early 20's anymore) and the ''falling in love with your ears or hearing a man saying ''I love you to the moon and the stars''' doesn't work anymore, that's she no longer cares too much about the infatuation period nor even seeks it. Instead we can go straight to someone with compatible goals and that's in for the long-run, straight to the point, enough with the butterflies in the stomach BS.
That's how it went with my now husband. I didn't have an infautation stage with him. We skipped that first step and went straight to commitment, mutual trust, respect and mature love.

[Oncewildtwiceburned]

@Vesuvius87 Like you mentioned, failed first loves that last a little while before the heart break tend to freezer burn the hearts both sexes.

I grew up isolated and worked only with men and I also thought too highly of myself, I figured I could simp/infatuate and it would be endearing because I was so chadly physically, I underestimated the psychological-personality traits that also turn a woman on and keep her by your side and confident in your abilities to lead provide protect.

Its a delicate balance and romance becomes more transactional as we go through breakups and become jaded.

I tend towards the extremes out of anger. I chose wrong but I was young, I should’ve moved on and only slightly adjusted how I pursued companionship from that point on instead of letting family court and her craziness drive me mad. We didn’t waste the time we can’t get back, we learned from it. Stay feminine and you’ll be okay. I should’ve manned up, its as simple as that, but I didn’t

[jazzy34]

If you don’t like someone at first, why even consider a romantic relationship?

[Shelly2002]

You can still like them but at the same time, you're also focusing if they have compatible goals too. If I like them and the sparks are there but there is nothing in common between us on major goals (for instance I want kids and he never wants kids), even if that relationship is very romantic, it won't work out either.

[NicholasRedone]

I suppose some individuals prefer Lust at First Sight + note the Lust (which I'm not against) lol - to last 💕

[WhitneySnow]

You don’t need it, but it’s more fun that way

[Anonymous]

Infatuation is not a healthy state in any psychiatrist handbook.

[Ariesman81]

Chemistry is important. But being wise to it and weighing compatibility is also important.

[LiamJHayden]

No, but commitment is.

[Vesuvius87]

Exactly. One is involuntary and proves nothing about loving someone meanwhile commitment is an active choice, something you decide to do.

[HungTexan]

It’s not essential but it doesn’t hurt.

[jahaims]

Nope, infatuation is an unhealthy response.

[Vesuvius87]

Exactly. Superficial feelings base on a false perfection of seeing your partner perfect isn't loving them.

[Vesuvius87]

**perception