How would you feel if your partner lived as if relationship could fail?

[lightbulb27]

Some are raised this way... to not fully put themselves in, financially, emotionally... to withhold... so in order to protect themselves of the risks of it falling apart. This thinking is rooted in fear, cultural training... but it can be realistic. We all know the stories of those that have been burned, male or female.

My love is yours... but I keep a bag packed, fingers crossed... I trust myself, and noone will get all of me.

[Anonymous]

Do I know for certain that she's doing it because she think it might fail? Second question, is she going to sabotage the relationship so it does fail? Does she have a history of that?

If I'm with her she can take it to the bank that I'm not going anywhere. However that is contigent in her not looking elsewhere. And if she keeps looking elsewhere. Or keeps re-inforcing that thought with her actions. Then at some point I'm going to make the decision for her. And then she can finally go elsewhere.

[lightbulb27]

nothing for certain, how would you know that. you see them put in effort, you have a child, she does her part. but her finances are separate, it's how her parents were. she will explain because if doesn't work out, then what... she wants to be secure on her own without any help... she has noone else.
it's not that she looks elsewhere but she could fall prey to another suiter like anyone could if they are drunk. were all human.

it's a scenario... it does help to think from the other persons view.

[Opinion Owner]

You're making excuses for her. Human or not commitment is commitment. She either means it when she says it then walks the walk or she NEVER meant it.

We have a child? Or I have a child? That's an important distinction and makes all the difference in the world. I could care less if she keeps her finances separate as long as she (as you said) does her part.

Bottom line everyone has thier traumas. Arguably mine is knowing whether she means what she says. I'll work with her on hers (as she should work with me on mine). But at the end of the day she needs to work to heal from them trauma (as me with mine). Money is NOT a sticking point with me. I don't care if she keeps her finances separate from me. But I need to know emotionally that she is in this relationship. If not she can get lost! That's just real.

[lightbulb27]

Makes sense. I suspect this issue is very sensitive to male female translation as well as emotional security of the individuals

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah. I hear a lot of women on this site make judgements of men and thier experiences. And they're quick to call it "insecurity" as though it's a dirty word and the guy has just lost all value. Thier attitude is the guy is supposed to keep that 💩 to himself. But in the same breathe she's fine to dump a trunk full of emotional baggage on him, he supposed to just deal with it, and he's not allowed to judge one iota. And these women wonder why there dating life is in the crapper. What is the point of a relationship between two people if they can't grow (and maybe even heal if need be) emotionally together.

I totally understand a woman wanting to keep finances separate because of what she might have went through in the past. But SHE needs to understand the guy she is currently with is NOT her past. It's her PRESENT. And she either wants to make an effort to heal and make it work or she doesn't. And if she doesn't she needs to cut that guy loose for a woman who does. And the guy who's with her has to try to help her heal.

[lightbulb27]

Good points. The case i see is training which probably comes from cultural traumas. Its a tough but to crack as the emotions sre in control and dint wsnt to change. You sound reasonable

[es20490446e]

If my partner cannot trust you, what is the point of the relationship?

[Nikki1989]

I have no time for miserable, negative people. It is hard enough to see their pointless, immature whining on here.

[Agape93]

I understand it, and my girl is like that after almost 6 years.

[lightbulb27]

it's very hard to overcome early life training... sounds like you make it work though, it takes a very understanding and secure person to manage.

[Agape93]

I don't push to know everything about anyone, everyone is entitled to secrets if they need it. I have plenty that nobody will ever know.

[lightbulb27]

Makes some sense, but there is the internal healing of the person that is 'festering'.. call that the spiritual being. If I hadn't opened up to my wife about some tragedies in life, those little 'demons' live quietly inside me, doing whom knows what in my decision making. Unfortunately, wounds control us...'exposing to light' releases their power over us, somewhat... its process. Do you see that as truth as well?
I've seen that play out with our teen as well... a secret was warping her behavior. Opening up helped get her on better path.
Pushing though can backfire, agree with that.
Honoring the relationship, seems key... there is some kind of 'contract' both agreed to even if wasn't communicated.

[Agape93]

She's done that, and isn't healed. Not even a bit, so at best that's more of a chance than anything significant.

[Agape93]

Hell I've opened up several times and 9/10 I get kicked in the teeth as a result.

[lightbulb27]

Kicked by whom? Sorry to hear that, it sounds like you have noone or nothing to lean on. Some or many dont know how to be supportive and are jusgemental. Its a process. What heals in my view you know, onky way out if the box i know. That and understanding, acceptance, finding the truth and lies. Get that viewpoint and free of the trap. The rest then is repetition of new patterns because emotional programming is stored in our bodies… so have to repeat good patterns. To me, that all makes sense. Doing… is difficult. Basic reasons why group therapy can work as example… practice vilnerability… but has to be safe because were all damaged. Thats the problem. Vulnerability plus strength. I think about all this and keep finding what Jesus said to be true. I should have got into therapy, but took forever to even see straight through my own stuff.

[Agape93]

It's rhetorical. Basically, it backfired. On here and offline

[lightbulb27]

Sorry to hear that. Definitely makes a difference whom the persons are. Prayers for you all to find your way!

[AI Opinion]

As your friendly relationship guru here, I must say this kind of "one foot out the door" attitude can be a relationship speed bump. Love requires vulnerability, trust, and a bit of a leap of faith. Keeping a packed bag isn't really sexy, is it? 😘 But if you can work together to build trust and commitment, it could turn that suitcase into a happily-ever-after! Remember, love isn’t about holding back; it's about diving in with arms wide open! 💕

[DJB72]

Outside South Africa if my partner wanted a prenup I'd say goodbye.

The laws in SA are very different to the West. Antenuptial contracts are there to protect the marriage from bankruptcy primarily. Not so the divorce settlement is decided before you marry.

[lightbulb27]

Thats cool… does it work and keep prople together?

[DJB72]

Trying to get stats from the SA government is like getting away with criticising Kier Starmer online. I'm not saying it's impossible, just that jail is more likely

[RavVid]

I would considered the relationship as failed in that case.

[NathanDavis]

I would not even start a relationship with someone like that in the first place... lol

[trumpetplayerforlife]

If you have that mindset then it will fail

[lightbulb27]

Seems that way. This is someone I know, and a culture.