My husband is saying some other woman is "very special" to him?

[Anonymous]

I posted a few weeks ago about finding messages in my husband's phone after noticing him constantly on his phone. I confronted him lightly without him realizing what I actually know to test the waters of how far he'd lie. He essentially admitted who he was talking to and said that his childhood friend is "very special to me" and that he would never stop caring for her and never stop trying to speak to her but at the moment she has him blocked and he feels "devastated". I asked why she blocked him and he won't tell me. Said this is between him and her and their "special childhood connection". I personally think having another woman he isn't related to be "very special" to my husband is a violation of the marriage. Can anyone think of a circumstance whereby this is appropriate? WTF does "very special to me" even mean? Obviously you can care about people but describing it that way seems like something more than friendship even if it's not physical. I am 100% positive he has never slept with this person FYI.

[SteveSmith1985]

I remember your other question. It's fine if he were to have a childhood friend. But if he did, you would have known about her long before you were married, and it wouldn't be an issue.

This is not a case of him being up-front about a long-term friendship. If it were, he would have told you this forever ago. The fact that he is hiding it, and the nature of the contact (from last questions info) makes it clearly wrong.

He's blocked? Yea, that's also some fishy shit. That's not going to happen with an actual childhood friend, unless you did something pretty fucked up.

So I don't know how to "lightly" confront someone. But ok, so now he's said: "I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm changing nothing. You're going to have to just accept this"

You are not satisfied with that response. (understandably).

So what now? What are you going to do?

He is taking a position that it's fine. It's not fine with you.

Either you will have to accept it. Or you will have to change it. Or you will have to refuse to accept it and walk away (if he refuses to budge).

Those are the only choices you have at the end of the day.

I think accepting it seems like an unacceptable option to you. If that's the case, then you need to confront him "heavily" because your only other option is to leave.

I think it's fucked up that he is denying there's anything wrong here. If that's true, why is all of this new to you, and why did you have to find out in a roundabout way?

[Asker]

yes exactly to everything - I basically confronted him but pretended to not know anything just that I noticed he is acting weird and asked who he is talking to all the time. He basically admitted who it was, and that she is very special to him and that he "has a lot of love in his heart" for her. And he said he's depressed because he can't speak to her but won't tell me why and he even suggested I support him as a wife because he is sad!!! He doesn't know that I am aware he tried to basically leave me for her!!!

[SteveSmith1985]

So what's the plan?

[Asker]

I am still processing everything. I talked to him again and he keeps insisting he isn't cheating because he hasn't even seen her because she won't meet up and that he can't control feelings. He hasn't done anything physical he says so that's what should matter to me. I think it's worse he cares so deeply for her though is the issue. Ill keep comparing myself to her forever if I stay with him I think

[SteveSmith1985]

Yes I think that what you say here makes sense. It doesn't seem that he is willing to admit/acknowledge that this is something he is doing wrong. I agree with you that this is clearly wrong. I don't think its right that he is expecting you to just deal with this. If this "friendship" is more important than keeping his marriage, then that says all you need to know.

I am frustrated by his not being able to acknowledge that you have grounds to be upset. I couldn't stay with someone either if I were in your shoes. I hope you don't end up staying; its not fair to any wife to feel this way. Its not right for any husband to act the way he's been acting. I'm sorry.

[Finchie40]

You should of knew about this so called special friend before you got married to him , so by him finally announcing this to you now shows he is truly a piece of shit selfish person that you should
Really reconsider staying married too , That special friend blocked him because he was more
Than likely trying to make a move on her and she didn’t want any parts of that , so if I was you , I would still making my plans to leave

[Asker]

yes you are correct - my other question a week ago was when I found his texts with her. Well basically I confronted him but pretended I didn't read those texts, just that I noticed he's on the phone a lot and asked who he's talking to etc. He admitted who it was and then said she is special but won't tell me what he did to make her block him. He said he's depressed and misses her and wants my support as a wife LOL but he won't tell me what happened. I agree that he tried something she wasn't into. I can't see all the texts. and now that he sees im suspicious I can't get his phone anymore, he's bringing it with him into the bathroom and everywhere he sits on it now or leaves the screen face down. WTF is "she is very special to me" even mean? Would you say that about a woman you just like as a friend?

[Finchie40]

Not at all , especially if I am happily married. You have every right to be upset and concerned about this , And you have every right to leave his ass as well because How would he feel if you had a special male
Friend that you never told him about until after you been married for however how long? So I got news for you , your husband is clearly cheating on you whether it’s mentally or physically he is cheating on you. If I was you, I would t tolerate that shit whatsoever and would be making
My plans to leave or to kick them out immediately. My ex did something similar to me with a male coworker that she claimed was just a friend , I trusted her and believe her until the one day I saw inappropriate texts from him to her on her phone , I immediately confronted her on it and told her to pack her shit and leave the house and that I will see you in court because this is adultery, I told her I saved all the messages to my phone so you can try to delete all you want. She cried to me and said she didn’t cheat on me and that he is crossing the line and thought he was just a friend , I said friend my ass saying shit like that , and isn’t he married as well? I am going to see what his wife thinks of these texts to you. She was begging me not to start shit , so I told her to leave immediately. So she left. I then called her so called work friend and had words with him , and told him how much of a piece of shit he is , and I said you better not see me out in public. And if I found out you called my wife again , I will be calling your wife as well. Do you actually think that POS listened to me? Of course Not , so I called his wife and told her everything, I eventually found out she divorced him and he ended up in the hospital because he had a stroke , my wife was begging for me back and told me she quit her job immediately and swore nothing happened between them. A girl she use to work with told us he ended up in the hospital , I said Good , I hope he drops dead

[Finchie40]

I separated from my wife for quite sometime because I lost all trust and respect for her, we did try to work things out eventually but I realized my love for her is t the same after all the hell she put me through , there were other things as well that made me lose my feelings for her. So now I am single and hoping to meet someone that actually alphas a heart that doesn’t cheat whatsoever

[Asker]

Yea - I see. trust is gone

[Finchie40]

I’m sorry that happened to you , trust me I know the feeling , . My advice to you is start making your plans to leave his ass

[Asker]

yea - I spoke to him again and he keeps saying he hasn't even seen her. just texted but he wouldn't meet up while he was still married and so he doesn't get the problem because he hasn't even touched her or been in the room with her apart from when I was there awhile ago. For me, its the fact that he keeps saying she's so special and he said he can't control how he feels and that he's known her since he was a kid so that's out of his control. But what is in his control is his texts to her said he wanted her and because he didn't find her sooner he can't have her and is sad about it. He said it's showing dedication to me because he is with me but hasn't touched her. I think he hasn't touched her because she won't let him!

[Finchie40]

Yea but if she let him , he would of

[DishLady]

You tell the butthead that as his wife you have the right to know about any "special friends" or connections and if he's really that obsessed with her -- to the point of shutting you out -- then it's time for you and he to put space between you. You take a girl's week to travel someplace and decide if you really need to stay with this dbag.

No one cares if he slept with her. He's emotionally obsessed with her. You can bet your britches that if the shoe were on the other foot he'd be all up in your business and jealous af.

[Asker]

exactly. personally I dont think a man calls a woman "very special" unless he basically loves her and wants her or something. You dont describe a sister like that.

[DishLady]

No. You don’t. Be ready to leave this guy.

[MemeSupreme]

i don't get how you're now just finding out about her if they're so close lol

he should tell you what he did

[Asker]

What he did? What does that mean? And I didn't really know about her because he was hiding her existence. She literally lives in a different country. She moved for graduate school and works and lives there. He apparently looked her up a few years ago because he missed her and has been messaging with her and he lies to meet up with her sometimes when she's in town on business.

[AI Opinion]

You’re feeling a seismic mix of emotions right now, and it’s understandable. Let's dive into those mysterious, elusive words: "very special." In the world of love, these words make your heart race faster than a Starbucks pumpkin spice latte! They hint at a deeper connection, and it's okay to be feeling the betrayal. While friendships can exist, the lack of transparency is a red flag, waving all over your husband’s intentions. 🚩

By keeping parts of this "special" friendship private, it's cranking up the lovebombing anxiety and leaving you in the dark. Open communication is vital in a relationship, and both should share what "special" means and draw boundaries. Your feelings are justified, and it's essential to discuss this openly with him to find clarity and move forward. 🤔💔

[serious]

Well, the good thing is he told you the truth when you asked him although he did not reveal full details. Nevertheless, it is still very inappropriate for him to say another woman as special other than you.

It also indicates that maybe he liked her and treated her well but she moved on. It is possible he may have had one sided feelings for her but she considered him only as a friend. This also shows he may not have moved on.

[Asker]

From what I can tell she just considers it game over because he is married and he wants to see if he can get her interested if he were not married potentially without actually leaving me first but she is not interested in that! He basically said she will always be special to him and that is just the way it is.

[serious]

Okay so that just proves my point no matter what maybe the reasons behind it. It proves that he has not moved on and maybe he does not want to move on from her. Given what you have said in which case he should not have married you then.

[NoDecision]

Maybe he was what he was planning to do - have a deeper (as in deep inside) connection - and she thought he was way out of line. I would think that this would be grounds to block him. Either way, his avoidance of the subject is suspicious.

[ThebestIndian]

@NoDecision You look wonderful. Nice cheeks

[chrissykerdock]

sounds like your going to have a new husband there's no reason he shoud be talking to this woman period other woman have severed their heads for this

[Anonymous]

It depends on many reasons, it is possible that your husband has a very close friendship with this woman, maybe that is why he feels she is special.

He probably feels comfortable talking to her, is kind to her and therefore thinks she is special because of this. I don't think it's a breach of marriage, as long as they have a friendly relationship with no sexual or romantic relationship, there's nothing to fear.

[Asker]

lol the messages I found before she blocked him are, him telling her how attracted he is to her and essentially saying she is the woman of his dreams but unfortunately he is married. That made her uncomfortable because he IS married and she wanted to maintain their friendship and he kept at it so she said she's blocking him temporarily it sounded like and now he's depressed.

[Asker]

he also sent her a bunch of flowers from what I can tell on and is angry she didn't respond to that

[Opinion Owner]

Well in this case it is different, since there is something more than friendship, if I were you I would talk to him. Has the relationship between you and him always gone well?

[Nikki1989]

If a man spends too much time on his phone, you can bet he is cheating.

[Malwi93]

no she could be just a childhood friend

[Asker]

that he sends flowers to on valentines day and texts that she's the perfect woman? Sure...

[Malwi93]

then why are you asking if its obvious?