What to say about the phone, texting, to friends?

[Noredcarpet]

I am in a relationship where jealousy took the dominant seat. Once I knew I paniced and left to then return after we tried to work it out.

I have in the past been in a relationship that was poisoned by jealousy as well, only this guy got way worse with it.

My partner began therapy, one goal to beat the jealousy. I don't blame him for not feeling well, noone would in his shoes.

First stage, to help him out, I had to have everything open so he could have free access, anxiety, before moving on to the next step to have things closed, can't access. We are at this stage now. For most part I can tell he is at that stage, but then something happens, immidiate reaction, wt -you know, from him. He then gets hold of himself, don't push forward. Same goes on other things.

I have female friends. I get texts that are private. He has reacted to it at the first when it pops up on my phone when the phone is right at the table, he sits beside me, he sees it. I have not open it then and there.

Me and my partner has had this agreement that I should not tell other people in our lives of the jealousy. Or else he will look bad, I will look bad too. It means I can't tell my friends, the ones that hasn't detected it on their own, that is.

I don't know what to say? Please, anyone?

I should protect my phone more where it is placed? Only when I used to before my behavior was seen as suspiscious. That is the trouble I end up looking guilty when trying to avoid jealousy or nervous, studdering during questions.

I can't turn it off as I need other people in my life to have access to me, vice versa.

What I know from my experiences with the ex and my partner is that there is this attitude that friends can take me away. It was that what ever we talked about I should tell them. If his friends wants to tell me something private they will. If not, that's OK too.

Updates

9 mo

Sorry about the thread, I'm sure I'm not making much sense, lol. The actual question was what to tell friends I'm close to not to text such private, or alarming stuff they might not want my partner or others present to discover. Especially I thought not something that will trigger partners jealousy. I have come to the conclosionI I will say friends are taking a risk if they do this as I can't always guard my phone. I ve protected my partner from the jealousy before. Not now. Its time

[ArrowheadSW]

What happened in your partner's past that makes him so jealous? This certainly isn't within the realm of "normal" as you are well aware. Was he raised in a home where he didn't get attention from his parents? Or anything of that sort?

[Noredcarpet]

Yes, it is about his past unfortunately, several factors that is doing it alongside when he has been pushed over the edge, the stress causing it. There has been a communication problem that I have regulated myself to. He has felt that it is not the same connection. At this stage he has looked for threats on the outside when he gets jealous. He has said he has promised himself not to loose it when trying to get the connection back, wants us closer, only to discover he acts just the way, and worse, that he promised he wouldn't and he see me looking at him, and him thinking he now pushed me away. I would try to avoid getting into something because I knew he gets more effected by it, and if there was something I wanted to adress I would wait for the right time. The way we used to work is that he shows all his feelings and my job was to be using logic. We could not connect this way. I can tell that when he was triggered that I deserved maybe 5% of it, but the rest of it was something about him, his past. That is a huge load to expect your partner to be equipped to handle, over and over, to reassure when all I could fix was the 5%.

[ArrowheadSW]

@Noredcarpet You might have mentioned it... But has he ever sought therapy? He is a prime candidate for therapy.

[Noredcarpet]

Yes, he is doing it, but before I was unsure of how serious he took it, he was before against it. He has a family member on my side that adviced it too, understanding, gone through it, though they have been molded in two different shapes as a result of their family's dark past. A lot is about himself doing the work and I have been skeptic if serious or not or just a temporary show off as in him doing it halfhearted just for me being on his case or him thinking he got it this time, or if he has needed more help, but is not the type to ask for help.

[Noredcarpet]

Sorry, I meant family member of his, not mine.

[ArrowheadSW]

👍 Let's hope he gets some insight from the therapy!

[Noredcarpet]

Thank you so much 😀

[Plugs]

Can you follow me

[AI Opinion]

Ah, relationships and jealousy, they do love being the center of attention, don't they? So, your main gig here is keeping your phone as a no-judgment zone. It's great that therapy is in the mix for him; kudos for that step! You're trying to juggle privacy, love, and trust like a real pro. Maybe find a non-verbal way to reassure him when texts pop up—like a squeeze of the hand. Keep calm, love, you're doing great! 😉

[Paige90]

That would be very annoying!

[Jennz6]

I have female friends too

[Anonymous]

What other things make him mad jealous

[Noredcarpet]

I would say my ex acted out mad jealousy. My current has never lost it like that which is the reason it still felt safe for a therapeut to still have me in it, but it has been difficult because I have had memories from the ex replay as if awoken from the dead. My partners jealousy has been expressed in ways of telling me no be where he thinks other guys could be at and potentially flirt with me,, could not stand the thought. Not to dress a particular or lets say undress in ways I would not myself feel comfortable doing so that hasn't been an issue, but could have been. It was about him being jealous of my job, wanting me instead to work beside him. I always said no to this this. It has been about him wanting to prevent happenings that has not taken place, a lack of feeling in control. In one way he feels protective of me too. Or feels as if something was to happen it is his fault but he is not responsible for me.

[Opinion Owner]

Why was he jealous of your job

[Noredcarpet]

It is not the job in itself, it is that I interact with other people and he then see that as a threat that they would be able to "steal" me from him. He has zoomed in and out to see me at work, calls, but sometimes the way he's done it indicate to me he's doing it for another reason besides what everyone would think. I can tell by the look in his eyes alone that he is right then and there trapped in the jealous emotion. It's as if he's there and not.
When we first began our relationship I noticed that he acted as if I was his sun. Other people that tried to interact with him or us he rejected in subtle but visible ways. At the time I only thought it was a good feeling that he showed me and the rest I was his first priority. He still has the way of doing that, and to be fair I think it has made some people in his life envious. It is as if they have blamed me for it. I have backed off to give them space with him, but their idea that it's me doing this, I'm the enemy, then falls flat as it gets obvious he wants to be with me.

[Opinion Owner]

You told he build a bubble around you , was it your ex or current

[Noredcarpet]

I would say my ex. What both had in common is the suspiscious mindset that must have come from early dissapointments, deceits, not trusting othrr people. The ones my ex allowed were people he knew he could control.
I have come to understand thar my mindset have been different than my ex and current and that is seen as me not built like them

[Opinion Owner]

Why does he hate your job? Is he jealous or wary or girls around u too?

[Noredcarpet]

He don't hate the job, but it is that he act when jealous, fear out of control, as if he wish to move me over to him, because if so maybe he thinks he can control the environment, the people around us more.
Yes, in the past he has made comments about girls too, what he will accept or not as in terms of how we will hang out.
As I got aware of the whole attitude with my ex, current, I responded with being overly cautios to show I could be trusted, and frankly out of fear to loose my ex and current as I was afraid they would look at me the wrong way and not love me anymore, that is the part of me that was easy to control. Only then there was the other part of me fighting with them, fighting with this orher in fear girl saying I don't like it. This part of me could show up to show my boundaries and my ex did not like her, lol, in particular, I remember, and tried to intimidate me to be all about the girl he could control through my own fear and love. I learned there are things you can give away to loved ones without feeling as if you are not loyal to yourself, and things you can't because the price is too high, you have to have self love and respect. I have been quarding that, and it feels as if they were not happy til they could get that last part of me too. Only I know if they would get that they still would not be contemped. I know I say nothing about innocent things, innocent relations to protect my own space, and I know how it looked.

[Noredcarpet]

It becomes this dictator soldier, parent child type of thing. I believe my ex and current were old fashioned in a way or tried to use old stinky rule about what they saw as their woman showing their socalled respect. Ask for permission. Respect needs to work both ways. I would not ask for permission as I did not think it was their call to decide if I could or not. I have felt as if the other way around they did not ask of my permission, they had more rights, the environment they were brought up in, the sttitude gave them entitlement, rights, not to ask their little woman.

[Anonymous]

So what's the actual question?