Boyfriend of one year said he doesn't feel connected to me? What can I do to fix it?

[andryrdx]

We recently hit the one year mark, we had communication issues before but I feel they are much better now. He said he's been feeling like this for a month. I know it must be exhausting for him to have the same Convo again and again but I just don't know how to fix it anymore. He says there's really nothing keeping this relationship together and that he reflected on our relationship and said he feels like he barely knows me. I, on the other hand, feel like I've shared a lot and that we built some sort of connection. it was yesterday that shit hit the fan, I didn't have anything to talk about because I usually go quiet when I feel something is wrong and it makes him even more mad. We had a miscommunication about seeing each other and he was tired. He feels that I never start conversations and barely add to his topics. I don't really know what to do anymore.

Updates

8 mo

Also, we've had this issue about me losing weight. He says he's attracted to me but he wishes I lost weight because it gets in the way of intimacy. it's been really hard for me to do it since I've been heavy my whole life He said and I quote "I am not willing to wait another year for you to possibly improve"

[BobbieBoy666]

It sounds like you are going through a very difficult and painful time in your relationship. The feelings of frustration and confusion from both sides are valid, but the current communication breakdown is causing significant damage. It seems the core issue is a persistent gap in how you both perceive the emotional connection and communication
Here are some insights and potential steps to consider:

Understanding the Perspectives
Your Perspective: You feel you've shared a lot and built a connection, and the communication has improved. Your tendency to go quiet under stress is a defense mechanism, but it unfortunately exacerbates his frustration.
His Perspective: He feels exhausted by repetitive conversations, believes there's nothing solid holding the relationship together, and feels like he barely knows you [1]. This indicates a profound lack of emotional fulfillment on his end, regardless of your efforts.


Different Communication Styles: He likely needs verbal reassurance, proactive conversation, and active engagement, especially during conflict [1]. You, like many, tend to withdraw when stressed, which can be perceived by him as disinterest, avoidance, or having nothing to say.
Differing Definitions of Connection: What you consider "sharing a lot" might not align with his need for deep, ongoing, proactive emotional intimacy and shared vulnerability. He might need more consistent initiation from you.
"Feeling" vs. "Doing": You might be doing things to improve communication, but he has "felt" disconnected for a month, suggesting that the improvements aren't translating into the emotional change he needs.

What You Can Do

1. Acknowledge and Validate His Feelings
Avoid Defensiveness: Instead of saying "I have shared a lot," try saying, "I understand why you feel you barely know me, and I'm sad to hear that. I want to bridge that gap." This validates his experience without invalidating your own efforts.
Recognize His Exhaustion: Acknowledge that you understand how exhausting it must be for him to have the same conversation. This shows empathy and a recognition of his emotional burden.

2. Address Your Communication Style
Explain Your Silence: Communicate that going quiet is your response to stress, not a lack of care or interest. "When I feel something is wrong, I go quiet because I get overwhelmed and need time to process. It's not a reflection of my love for you, but I understand how it makes you feel unheard."
Work on Proactive Communication: Understand that to him, your silence is a problem. Challenge yourself to share more proactively, even small things. Try to engage with his topics rather than waiting for him to lead.

3. Have One Last, Deep Conversation (With a Goal)
Set the Stage: Suggest a time to talk when neither of you is tired or stressed. Focus on solutions, not blame.
Define "Knowing Me": Ask him specifically what kind of interactions make him feel connected and known. Ask for concrete examples of what "starting a conversation" would look like for you.
Define "What's Keeping This Relationship Together": Ask him what he would need to feel like there is something keeping the relationship together. This shifts the focus to his needs and potential paths forward, rather than just the problems [1].

4. Suggest Professional Help
Couples Counseling: This might be the most crucial step. A neutral third party can help you both translate your needs and feelings effectively, break the cycle of miscommunication, and teach you healthier ways to interact [1]. He may be more open to this if he feels truly "stuck" and is considering ending things anyway.

5. Prepare for Potential Outcomes
Respect His Feelings: The fact that he feels "there's really nothing keeping this relationship together" is a serious statement. You need to respect his feelings and understand that even with effort, he might have reached a point where he is unable or unwilling to continue [1].
Focus on Yourself: Regardless of the outcome, take care of your own emotional health. A therapist for yourself can help you navigate these challenging emotions and communication patterns.
The situation is serious, but a genuine desire to understand and implement change—potentially with professional help—offers the best chance for resolution.

It sounds like you are going through a very difficult and painful experience. Your partner's comments, particularly the quote "I am not willing to wait another year for you to possibly improve," are harsh and unsupportive. It is understandable that this is causing distress, especially given that you have struggled with your weight your whole life.
Here are a few things to consider regarding this situation:
Emotional Impact: Your partner's words are likely damaging your self-esteem and the trust in your relationship. A supportive partner should encourage a healthy lifestyle out of love and concern for your well-being, not issue ultimatums or make attraction conditional on weight loss.
Focus on Health, Not Just Weight: Your health is important, but it's a personal journey. Focusing on sustainable, healthy habits that make you feel good physically and mentally is more beneficial than striving for a specific number on the scale to meet someone else's demands.
Intimacy Issues: Intimacy involves much more than physical appearance. If your partner is genuinely struggling with physical intimacy due to your weight, that's a conversation to be had with sensitivity and mutual respect. However, making it a condition for the relationship's future is a form of emotional pressure.
Communication is Key: This issue highlights a major communication breakdown. If you choose to stay in this relationship, it might be beneficial to seek the help of a couple's therapist. A professional can provide a neutral space to discuss these deep-seated issues and the impact of his words on you.
Prioritize Yourself: Ultimately, you deserve to be with someone who loves and accepts you for who you are, at any size. If you feel consistently devalued or pressured, it may be time to re-evaluate the health of the relationship itself.
Navigating weight loss is a personal journey that requires self-compassion and time, not ultimatums from a partner. It's important to prioritize your emotional well-being as you process these challenging comments.

[Finchie40]

If he is saying things like that for the past month , you are best to dump him and move on , whether he is going through something or just blowing smoke up your ass while he is weighing his options , whatever the case may be , you are best to move on and not waste anymore of your time on him , because if he truly loved you and liked you , he wouldn’t be saying those words period to you for as long as he has been , all you are doing is setting yourself up for disaster, by not leaving his side , you are allowing him to string you along while he weighs his options, if he does end up meeting someone else or screwing someone else , he is going to point fingers at you and act like he is a victim because he already told you how he is feeling and you chose not to listen to him. My ex did this to me , basically out of the blue she said she no longer wants are our marriage and that she wants to be single , for awhile I chose not to listen to her and figured it was just depression talking which she suffers a lot of , so I stood by her side not realizing she was slowly shitting on me and not loving me the same way I was loving her , so when I finally realized I deserve better than this shit , I woke up and said fuck this and walked away from her , and then i eventually met another girl that treated me like Gold , So my advice to you is move on and eventually you will find someone that wants to be by your side, wants to see you happy, wants to be close to you as much as possible , never sell yourself short to someone that can no longer give you the same love as in return , , I would understand if this only happened for a day or 2 , because not every relationship is perfect , but a month? It’s time for you to wake up and move on.

[andryrdx]

thank you, you are very wise❤️

[Finchie40]

Well thank you , I have experienced and witnessed a lot of things in life and in relationships, so if I can help others’ I am happy to do so , having your heart shit on a handful of times helps open your eyes to what to accept and not to accept , , which in the long run helped me with my relationships as well. One of the biggest relationship killers is selfishness , which everyone has selfishness inside themselves , so if you can’t remove selfishness from yourself and for your partner , don’t expect them to do the same for you , it has to go both ways for any relationship to survive and last the long haul. Removing selfishness will gain you trust and respect and honesty from your partner, and they will more than likely do the same for you , but if not? Kick them to the curb where they belong. By your boyfriend acting the way that he is makes him a selfish POS person that only cares about himself , and loves himself , he doesn’t know how to love someone unless it’s on his terms , so do yourself a favor and walk the other way and find yourself someone that actually wants to love you the same way you love them , they are out there, just harder to find these days

[Anonymous]

Oh nah he's telling you right there he's going to leave you if your weight doesn't change
You're 19 you can find someone better who'll help you and love you at your current state and more as you grow into finding yourself

[Nikki1989]

You probably can't fix anything. Move on with someone else.

[andryrdx]

Why do you think so?

[AI Opinion]

As a relationship coach, my aim is to sprinkle some magic into your love life while helping you navigate those rocky roads! 💫 It's tough when that spark fizzles, but don't lose hope. Maybe it's time to try something fresh. Dive into deep convos about values, dreams, totally unrelated to any issues. Surprise dates or adventures might just do the trick! When you break the cycle, walls come crashing down. Just remember though, both gotta tango in this dance of love.✨ You've got this! 💪

[OneViewpoint]

You're 19 and both immature and inexperienced. Sounds like he has anger issues. You've struggled with each other your entire relationship. End it. Move on. This wasn't "the one". This was a learning experience. Rather than trying to fix a broken glass, just grab a new glass. That's what your teens and 20's are all about.

[nolabels]

I don't believe that you can fix it, and I don't see your relationship working out well, especially for him.
Your needs and communication styles are too vastly different.
I know very well of what I speak.

[andryrdx]

we didn't break up, today he texted me to not stress about it but I AM stressing because im aware im the problem. You really think we can't accept each other's differences?

[nolabels]

Without getting into a deep analysis of your situation, I'd have to say that, to me, it doesn't appear great for either of you.

I'm sorry to say that, but I feel that I must.

It sounds way too similar to the situation in which I've lived, accepting it, but unhappily, for 31+ years.
Why have I stayed?
It's complicated.
Very complicated.

In my opinion, you're way too young to be settling for a relationship that has those kinds of issues.

I wish you the best.

[ImalwaysrightOK]

He sounds like an asshole and someone who doesn't really care about you. Tell him to go fuck himself and find another guy who wants you.

[andryrdx]

It would be very hard to do that, I really want it to work, he's genuinely unlike anyone I ever met. I'm just not sure what I can do to fix it at this point.

[Tamera952]

You could probably practice oral sex on him more often? Ya know to keep things spicy…. lol

[dougeats]

You are awesome!

[BarryLiverstone]

Sounds like he wants you to be healthier and lose weight

[Anonymous]

Try to connect with him, the key is in good communication.

[andryrdx]

Thing is, we're very different. I try talking about things he talks about (my childhood what I found hard etc) but we grew up differently and I don't know if there's anything to connect with as a topic

[mrshooiser]

Dump him then get fit and hot he will regret it.