Advice how you would manage partner behavior any honest practical opinions? ?

[Anonymous]

My partner of many years, tonight phoned to say he was popping in to a friend's briefly on his way home.

He said he would be home for dinner and bringing along his work colleague to stay because the work mate lives another 2 hours north of our house, as they were tired from long day and didn't want to drive long hours.

He phoned at 5pm and has been uncontactable, he called me at 11. pm to say sorry lost track of time and just seen missed calls, he is still visiting mate and will come home it's almost 12pm still not home.

When he is with his work mate that is apparently meant to be staying tonight at ours, they do lots of drugs and is mate is known for quite ominous behavior.

I'm feeling overwhelmed, one because I often can't get hold of him when in this certain company (work mate that meant to stay) 2 because it is really late and he is still not home. 3 his work mate likes to go to hookers.

I'm feeling disrespected and feel like he thinks (partner) he can get away with poor behavior. I'm not comfortable with stuff that I hear goes on.

I can't call a friend, because of the time and also everyone thinks my partner is amazing, because he is very charming and has the ability to have everyone adore him.

I feel confused, and keen to know how to manage this and get some good insight and advice from people here to help me work out how to manage this, cause the no contact and not answering calls is really hard to deal with.

Thanks 🙏

update* just messaged 12.10am to say he is driving home and is mate from work is staying at the house they popped in to visit.

[AI Opinion]

Hey there, relationship guru at your service! 🌟 It sounds like you're dealing with a lot, and you deserve better than feeling overwhelmed and disrespected. This could be a classic example of some red flags waving in the wind. Open and honest communication is super important. Let him know how his behavior makes you feel and establish boundaries that need to be respected. Trust is the foundation of any relationship, so make sure your voice is heard, and don't let charming facades cloud your judgment. You got this! 💪✨

[AviatorTom]

You can't control your partner or his behavior. Don't even try to manage his behavior. Best you can do is tell him how you feel. It's up to him to change his behavior or not.

[Asker]

Understand this and agree

[egan3141]

The first step is to sit down and communicate. Why is he putting so much time into this friend? Maybe this friend is a childhood friend that he is trying to save. Maybe your partner really is nearly as bad as the friend and just wants to be that kind of person. You can't know why he is doing what he is doing until you sit down and talk with him. Do not lead him in any way when you talk with him. Do not ask "is this why? is that why?" just ask "why". "Why do you spend so much time with him?" "What do you hope to accomplish". Make him come up with the answers.

Once you understand why he is doing this, then you can decide the next part, which is 1) Do you give him an ultimatum related to staying together
2) Do you accept him continuing to take these actions and instead ask him to remember you?
3) or maybe something else

You should be able to decide the above during the conversation and thus continue into that. This means you need a long talk with him. The morning before work is not the time to have such a talk. If he gets home from work without wasting all day with friends, you can do it during the week. Otherwise, wait until the weekend to have this conversation. No matter how structured or pointed you try to be, this conversation could easily take hours. Make sure you have the time before starting it.

[Asker]

Thanks heaps for your time to advise, I appreciate the effort and thought taken into giving your view and input on how to manage.
I have a lot to consume and will definitely be responding differently to this last night event, than the other times.
But agree, the calm response is the main requirement to approach otherwise it is be very unpleasant.

[exitseven]

If this is a pattern with him you tell him if it happens again he will find all his stuff on the front lawn and the locks will be changed.

[Asker]

Yes it is a pattern, it’s not every week, but has happens many times in a year.
He got home at 1am, his friend apparently stayed at the other person house.
I am pleased he is okay, because who knows what was consumed.
I just don’t know if I can continue with this behaviour and lack of consideration, mainly MIA on hours no calls and no effort to update.
Thanks for opinion.

[Anonymous]

You do realize he cheated on you right? He most likely went to a strip club with his buddy and hooked up with one of the women or a prostitute and his friend might try to convince your partner to have sex with you or a threesome just be careful and set massive boundaries and lock your bedroom door and at no time be alone with his friend so he doesn't sexually assault you

[DryGermanGuy]

„Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!“
- Pringles

[Asker]

What you mean?
can you expand on your opinion

[DryGermanGuy]

Actually I can not, because I’m out of Pringles. 🙁

[In_Trance]

what do you want to do?

[Asker]

Thanks for question.
That is a really good question, as I feel so confused and in the emotion and can’t think clearly…hence reaching out to this group and asking for any constructive and objective views, outside looking in.
Currently I have just woken up, he did get home at 1am, and I don’t know how the day will unfold, because I feel very unsure about the direction I want to take but I know I don’t want to feel this way it’s shit.

[In_Trance]

I think you just need to start by having a conversation with him about it

[Asker]

Thanks again for your input 🙏