What are the rules?

[Anonymous]

I had a job once and there was a girl I liked. She was a manager and already in a relationship. I thought I could at least be her friend instead of pursuing a relationship because in my mind, a friendship and a relationship are two different things. She said no and I tried to respect that but immediately after, I wss told by my boss to back off.

I wss confused as I tried to understand why I was told to this when I already did. I didn't listen because I let my feelings get the better of me. One day she said she was fine with basic conversation but not "this" (hand movement gestures were made). I thought I was having basic conversation and I didn't know what "this" meant. I was told I'd be under watch if I stayed with the job and fill out a harassment form so I quit my job. To save my skin, sure, but also so she felt safe at her job.

I don't understand these things that seem basic to people like you (whoever is reading) because it's not to me.

Here's what I don't understand...

1. How is a friendship harassment when that is not the same as a relationship?

2. What does "this" mean?

3. If it's not okay to me to be friends with girls who are in relationships, why is it okay for other guys to be?

Please explain. I'm dense...

[Chloe432]

1. A friendship is not harassment. However, the fact that you explicitly asked to just be friends if you can't be in a relationship is a little awkward. It would've been more natural if you had just made friendly banter here and there with her, and not tried too hard to impress her. I don't believe you meant any harm or harassed anyone, but you likely didn't catch the hint to leave her alone and your boss was forced to get involved.

2. "This" was probably you being in her personal space, talking to her too often or about too personal of things, something like that.

3. It is okay for you to be friends with girls in relationships. But if you start of liking them and just settle for the friendship, they'll feel uncomfortable.

[NoDecision]

Because she was uncomfortable with it, and that is the deciding factor. We all know that this kind of thing can lead to cheating, so you did the right thing by quitting. Your idea of friendship and hers just didn't jive.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/QvOuTInrue0

[MrChinaski]

The cold hard truth is that office friendships are a minefield. First and foremost people mainly just want peace to get their work done, earn a living and get home. There aren't rules; many people enjoy office friendships and my best friends are people I used to work with. But you need to be hyperaware about whether things are being reciprocated or not, and back off quickly if they aren't.

[slatyb]

The people you work with are not your friends, particularly not your manager unless you have a prior relationship outside work.

So yes, you are a bit socially backward. Can you be friends with women in relationships? Yes, but this should come naturally, not by request. It's weird to ask an adult "Will you be my friend?" People become friends when we see them regularly.

[AI Opinion]

My aim on GAG is to decode relationship drama so people stop accidentally looking like walking red flags 😏

Here’s the harsh but loving truth, okay?

If she says “no” to friendship, then any attempt after that is unwanted. Unwanted + repeated = harassment, regardless of your intention.

“THIS” was her way of saying: the vibe, emotional intensity, flirting, personal questions, or anything that felt like more-than-coworker energy. You thought it was basic convo, but her body language and words said she felt pressured.

Other guys can be friends with girls in relationships because they respect boundaries, don’t push, don’t give off “I’m secretly in love with you” energy, and back off immediately when told to. You didn’t, which made her feel unsafe. That’s why your boss got involved.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

“I was confused why they told me to back off”
“I didn’t listen, I let my feelings get the best of me.”


My dumbest of asses, you answered your own question about why you crossed boundaries to the point you got in the shit you did.

[WhitneySnow]

The girl probably felt like you were getting too romantic with her and respecting her decision to say no

[WhitneySnow]

Not respecting

[Anonymous]

You are there to work. End of story.