Guy I’m dating shows up and walks in my house unannounced while my kids are there , acceptable or not?

Question

I’m dating a guy for nearly a year now

We both have kids , separate houses but we stay over each other’s houses and the kids know us

This week he has shown up unannounced twice and walked in the house, the first time he rang me and asked me where I was in my house , the second time I wasn’t home as I went to my friend who wanted me to come over so she could talk to me

Then second time my eldest daughter who is 17 told him this and that it was weird and he shouldn’t do that He said your mum did it to me to which she replied no she doesn’t and I have never done it as I would find it lacking respect especially when there is kids involved

He now is angry says that he can’t be in a relationship with me because I don’t communicate with him I told him I didn’t know I was going to see her and if I knew he was going to come over I would have been at home

We work together and this is going to be extremely difficult to deal with

Any advice and thoughts on this please?

KBird · Accepted Answer

To be frank, there's a few red flags popping up for me.

1) You have never talked about or gave permission to him to just show up and walk in unannounced. Especially since you both have kids, I think its completely understandable to not allow someone to do that if you aren't at that stage in the relationship yet (or at all). You are allowed to set boundaries. If he doesn't want to respect them, then that is on him. Does he have a key? if so, maybe consider changing locks...

2) His deflection/lying. When your daughter spoke out in concern, and he responded with a lie, it shows that he struggles with accountability, and he shifts blame when confronted. Also, the fact alone that she said "you shouldn't do that" means she could have sensed something was off, or felt unsafe/uncomfortable.

3) Also the fact that he has threatened to break up with you over this, is controlling behavior. He is turning the situation around on you, and is possibly trying to regain some sense of control. It is a form of gaslighting, making you feel like you are in the wrong for having autonomy. You can see your friends whenever you want, you do not have to report your whereabouts to him.

I have dated someone controlling in the past, and it can be very difficult to be with them. One thing I have found to work is by talking to them about this very clearly, if he is openminded. If he loves you, he will listen AND should change his habits. He might think that showing up unannounced is completely fine. I have met people like this. But, if you bring this up and he deflects and blames you again, I would consider breaking up, because he will do this again in some other capacity (but thats just my opinion). How is he besides this? Do you find he is overly controlling in other aspects of his own life?

SueShe · Accepted Answer

As long as you have no agreement as to who is allowed in whose house at what time and in the presence or absence of the owner of the place, then he has no business coming to your place unannounced, mainly in view of the fact that there is a teenage girl alone in the house.

This behavior is unacceptable and even poses a certain security risk for the teenage girl.

You have to clearly communicate that he is only allowed into your place when you are present and prior agreement that he may come over. There are certain off-limits areas that have to be defined and that would include the rooms of the children and their bathrooms if they do have separate bathrooms.

WindAtMyBack · Accepted Answer

This is not OK unless you guys agreed to allow it. I have known couples who walked in each other's homes without knocking, but they had been together a lot longer than a year. I also don't know if it's something they talked about and agreed to.

Just tell him it's not OK. I don't see why he'd have a problem with that. I'm not sure what he thinks you are not communicating about. Tell him you don't want him doing it and that IS communicating. I don't think this is something you could have anticipated and talked about ahead of time.

How did you approach the whole thing? If it was came across as confrontational, he might be reacting to that.

MidnightRivers · Accepted Answer

That is mad, un acceptable. Especially when kids are involved. Showing up unannounced and letting yourself into someone else’s home crosses a pretty basic boundary. It’s not really about “communication,” it’s about respect and consent. Even in long-term relationships, people still deserve to know who is entering their space and when. I would stress to him that your daughter felt uncomfrtable is enough to let him know never to do it again. Kids should feel safe and comfortable in their own homes

Love Doctor Brad · Accepted Answer

My aim on GAG is to help you spot red flags before they wreck your peace, gorgeous 😉

This is not acceptable. Walking into your house unannounced, with kids there, is a boundary issue, not a “communication” issue. Your daughter was right. His anger and guilt-tripping you is classic deflection.

You did nothing wrong. Set a clear boundary: no showing up or entering without invitation. If he can’t respect that, he’s showing you who he is… and that’s a walking red flag, not a partner.

Anonymous · Answer

Depends on what stage of the relationship you are at.

If I was dating a woman with kids especially with a 17 year old daughter id knock as you might walk in on her changing or getting in on with a boyfriend etc. Intimidating for kids to have random guys walk into their home unannounced

Anonymous · Answer

Does your daughter not like him? I think there's a lot wrong with this. I went over to my sister's yesterday. She knew I was coming over. I still rang the doorbell. Why? Because it's her house and to do otherwise is disrespectful. The only way I'd just go in is if she told me to just go in when I get there. Having said this, your daughter could have been a little more graceful about it. I understand his response to an extent. Imagine this scenario. Imagine he came in and your daughter called the police on him. A misunderstanding could have changed his life (all the more reason you don't just go into somebody's house). But again I understand where he's coming from where things currently stand.

Staximus · Answer

Not acceptable. You don't just walk into somebody's house like it's yours, unless you live there. You might do that at a family member or lifelong friend's house, but that's different. Next time lock the front door like a person who has half a brain and tell your daughter to keep it locked, unless you like random people walking into your house.

Anonymous · Answer

Does he walk around house with his dick out? You want a conditional relationship from your angle only. So it will fail. Already failed it sounds. I think women with kids , need to put kids first. Wait until they are gone before romance. People have kids then , put their needs first over their kids. That is the problem with America today. It is all about me me me me.

Anonymous · Answer

Communication set clearer boundaries as to what's acceptable and what's not

Nikki1989 · Answer

That is never acceptable to anyone.

blackeagle007 · Answer

Totally not acceptable. You gotta be asking him WTF

LC75LC71 · Answer

You said mum so I figure you're in the UK where butter knives are illegal :P Shit like that fly in the States. Meet Mr. Louisville Slugger..

MereAnarchy · Answer

Vigorously flapping red flag.

wkhan_87 · Answer

Where is your husband?

Guy I’m dating shows up and walks in my house unannounced while my kids are there , acceptable or not?

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