Why are loving age-gap relationships judged while closer-age abuse is ignored?

[Anonymous]

It seems everyone is so quick to judge an age gap relationship that is close and loving but ignore abusive relationships that have true power imbalance issues all because the abusive relationship has a closer age gap.

This is coming from a young adult in which has parents with a close age gap (around 2 year difference) and yet deals with psychologist approved narcissistic abuse from their narcissistic father. Causing deep psychological impacts (search Complex PTSD for more details) in being a target of said abuse and witnessing the narcissistic abusive relationship to my mother, who has literally cried saying about her more loving age gap parents (who have a 10 to 11 year age gap) and that they didn't wish or expect for this life.

So why the double standard, power imbalance is a type of abuse of power, and abuse is abuse - whether there is an age gap or not. It's not up to someone to judge an age gap relationship just because there is an age gap!!!

I for one am interested in a girl with a 12 year age gap, her parents seem to have a large age gap between each other - and the obvious difference... seeing how loving their relationship is compared to how my parents are which literally makes me cry about every single day - seeing and yearning for such a loving connection. Going through what I've gone through with a narcissistic father... no way in hell will I treat a gentle, kind hearted flower the same my my father treats my mother...

[Beatriz90]

I think people often pay more attention to the age difference in a relationship than to how the partners actually treat each other. A couple with a significant age gap may face criticism and suspicion, while emotional manipulation and abuse between people of similar ages can go unnoticed. Age difference alone doesn't determine whether a relationship is healthy; mutual respect, genuine consent, emotional maturity, and a balanced dynamic matter far more. Of course, certain age gaps can raise valid concerns about power imbalances, but it's important to evaluate each relationship on its own merits rather than making assumptions based solely on age.

[Asker]

and again looking at my personal example as provided in the question description...

[Anonymous]

I think people are often more concerned about the age difference than the actual quality of the relationship. They see a younger woman with an older man and immediately assume she is being manipulated, yet when two people of the same age are in an abusive relationship, people sometimes treat it as normal relationship drama.

Age gaps can come with differences in power, finances, and life experience, so the concerns are not always baseless. But age alone doesn't determine whether a relationship is healthy. What matters is respect, consent, honesty, and whether both people have a genuine say in the relationship.

We should be paying more attention to how people treat each other than simply how old they are. A relationship deserves scrutiny because of manipulation or abuse, not merely because of the number of years between two consenting adults.

[Asker]

But how about to my personal example as provided in the question description...

[Opinion Owner]

I'm also sorry you've had to witness the kind of relationship you've described between your parents. Growing up around emotional abuse can deeply affect how you understand love and what you hope for in your own future. You deserve to experience a relationship where love feels safe, not frightening.

As for the girl you're interested in, I hope you build something beautiful together. ❤️ Just remember that a healthy relationship isn't defined by how different it looks from your parents' marriage, but by the respect, honesty, and care you both bring to it. Your past doesn't have to determine the kind of partner you become.

Age deserves consideration, but character deserves even more attention. We should be concerned about how people treat each other, not simply how many years separate them.

[Asker]

Which is why I noted the closeness of the behaviours between the girl I'm interested and her parents (who seem to also have a large age gap between them) - example after church service my mother told me she saw the girls father open their car door for her to sit inside or the fact me and my mother were out and bumped into them at the shops and the girls mother kissed the forehead of her daughter (the girl I'm interested)... Again which I noted in my description - "Going through what I've gone through with a narcissistic father... no way in hell will I treat a gentle, kind hearted flower (the girl I'm interested in) the same my father treats my mother..."

This along with the fact my mother has cried and told me about how loving her parents were who also have a large age gap were only makes it evident that the whole age gaps being judged argument is debunked.

[Nikki1989]

The world you live in must be the total opposite of mine.

[Asker]

You answered another question of mine with absolute no fucking care!!! so no wonder you live in a fucking opposite world because you get men who deserve to abuse you!!!

so don't fucking care about your fucking responses - fuck off dimwit

[Anonymous]

The older women do that because they’re jealous

[Abbycado]

Do you have a source for this?

[Asker]

There is a personal example in the description