Wife confession about years ago?

[Anonymous]

my girlfriend, now my wife confessed she cheated 10 years ago (her age was 19). she told me this news 2 years ago. I have not got over this yet. The guy was my high school team mate.. the first thing she told me after that was "Your the only one I love, I didn't love him" Why do girls/guys always say that after confessing? her reasons; I wasn't around much, because I was 2 hours away in college playing football, I didn't act like I care about her and didn't show affection, depressed, lonely, I went out with guy friends alot. While the other guy showed her affection and interest. She said he caught her attention not her heart and she was feeling him- she told me she thought about leaving me and be with him, But the other guy was into drugs, sleeps with all the local sluts, been in arrested for drugs,had 2 kids he didn't take care of -kind of a low life which she always said she would never be interested in those type of guys. she said they did it 2x within a month. I found out through a guy his best friend she gave him oral (she denies this). In which she very rarely gives me oral. Which makes me feel insecure and think Was he bigger and better in bed?. she said the sex wasn't any good and it was like 2 minutes because he was going real fast and he came fast. I believe the affair was longer and a lot more sex occur. She said 2x in a month, but I found out after that month he got locked up and few months went by and he started coming over there again. In which I am not sure if anything happen or what kind of communication was going on. He used to sell to her roommate so he was there often hanging out. So I knew he was going over there, but I never did trust him and like him.So I don't know how long this went on or how many times. I can easily find out by asking someone but don't really want to open up a can of worms, scared of what I may find out. But then again I don't won't to hear something from someone else. Even though its been 2 years since she told me the news. I look at her in a different way and always think about was he bigger, better, what did he do that was special and cause her to cheat with him. Was she falling in love with him, how long was the affair, how many sexual encounters. These things go through my head. Its surprisingly no one told me back then or said anything any clues or hints. the guy still lives in this small town and I know people know, I am popular in this town through football and now I feel embarrassed when I am out- wearing what people think about me and us. what's your thoughts.

[kholland65]

Women are more impulsive than men. Hence the reason they have a higher propensity to cheat (30% more), even with a lower sex drive (proven by a harvard study btw). When they see a hot guy, their emotions kick in. Unlike men, they don't have the logical side of their brain that says no the heart, because its a bad idea. We all know emotional decisions usually equal bad decisions. She said she almost left you for him but then realize how he was. She got caught up in her emotions and cheated and it wasn't until a few months later that her emotions subsided and she saw clearly that this guy was bad news. Obviously not until it was too late and she already cheated.

Women will mention their was no emotional attachment because that is how they justify right from wrong. I have learned that women analyze right and wrong based on the the emotional connection they have in the situation. For instance, let's say they have a boyfriend but one of their guy friends wants to spend the night at her place and sleep in her bed. She doesn't like him like that, she has no intention on sleeping with him, and nothing ever really does happen. Us guys know this is a horrible idea, but the girl will think its OK because in her mind, emotions equal reason and in this case there is no emotional connection therefor she reasons that she has done nothing wrong.

Women don't feel guilty until they find themselves falling in love for the other person. That is were they get scared because they know they've done something wrong.

This is really an interesting situation you are in. I can understand your unease. However, as much as I hate to, I'll give her the benefit of the doubt. For one, she was 19 when this happened. Not that it makes it right, but people at that age do many stupid things that don't necessarily carry on later into their mature lives. She has also been with you for 10 years. If she didn't truly love you, she wouldn't be with you for 10 years. It probably was an honest slip up.

[dudeman]

She loved the prospects he made for himself and yhe benifit it provide

[pandaninja]

Vengeance is not my favorite dish, but your answer deserved a well rounded optional reactions to your conundrum so I will play the a**hole.

You could always divorce her and let the town know she is a cheater while many might know making it public will make it impossible to shove under the rug if your town is small enough no man will want to be caught near her out of fear of being it being assumed they are cheating themselves or a cuckold. She would realize she has the option to either leave her hometown or remain forever alone.

Less assholy you could sleep with her sister or some woman she hates, she would have trouble trying to break your marriage over it seeing how she gave it a go at another mans bed first but it would hurt and that is the intention in vengeance isn't it. It would lead to a couple rough years in the union but you would stabilize eventually and you wouldn't feel so one sided then.

Third option only available if you are free of social inhibitions is burn the town down, blow up the house and leave her, but this requires too much work and with gas prices what they are now it wouldn't be as easy as it once was.

Now personally I like option one but god knows I would never be able to live with myself if I did sadly I have just a but too much conscience to do that, however not so much that I would avoid option 2 and cheat on a cheater, three is out of the question since I am not a psychopath. Oh well you can always choose the rout of forgiveness it is the noble path of course but we don't always have enough strength to follow the moral path do we

[ShesSoSilly]

I can understand why you would look at her differently, this is a very painful thing to happen to anyone. I personally think you have two choices.

1) If you are unable to get over this and/or you think you need the details to either get over it or move on then that's what you need to do. Talk openly with your wife and express your true feelings and that you hate to bring it up but you can't stop thinking about it and can't help it. Maybe express how you would of liked to hear things from her directly rather than other people, no matter what it is and even if she might be too scared to out of respect for you and your marriage its what you'd like form her. Ask her the things you want to know. However like you said, its opening a can of worms which you will have to deal with, since this talk happened quite awhile ago your wife might assume that you already are over this.

2) Try your best to let go of it if you are happy with her. It is in the past and we cannot change the past so don't waste your time and energy worrying about something that cannot nor ever will be changed. Try to be more open with your wife about EVERYTHING, big or small, to rebuild that trust with her. Basically just start over with her to grow together and hopefully one day be a strong couple.

As far as the small town is concerned, it all comes back to the fact that we cannot change or control other people's actions. If they want to talk, they are going to talk... the only thing you can do is focus on your life and your happiness with or without your wife. (Whatever you choose to do).

Good luck with all of this(:

[friendofthefallen]

Well, if I were you? I wouldn't care what others were thinking because it's really none of their business. That's very personal. If she cheated on you long ago, I'm not sure why you are still bothered by it. It's sad, but maybe many women (especially the ones with kids) aren't virgins anymore after a certain age (maybe 25?) Either way... if you love her then it will show. If you love her then I think you should forgive her. Though I don't know how she kept this stuff from you if she really thought it was something important (for so long). Also, that was back when she was young and stupid and insecure probably. At 19, sometimes emotions (or any age) can become "haywire" especially if you as a couple is going through a major fight or she isn't sure about you two being together for the long while.

I think since there's no way to turn back time, if you love her and especially have children with her, you should put the past behind and don't know if you are religious but I was told to look to God and pray, but if you're a non believer, just have faith that she isn't going to leave you since she's already been with you ten years... you I think would know her well by now.

Also, you guys took vows in front of people considering she's your wife now. That means A LOT and you guys should keep it if you really mean what you said that many years ago. This is a promise to her and you should be a good husband and try to take care of each other.

I bet she loves you too and you have nothing else to worry about. Good luck.

[dudeman]

He commitwd to a faiyhful women tho she lied about who she was the way I see iy this makes yhe vows void

[AndiArthropod]

My thoughts are mixed. I wonder how she could have done that to you, how could she keep the secret so long and marry you even though she did that? Where's the guilt? Where's the remorse? How could she say she loves with a lie and betrayal like that?

But I do understand how she must have felt lonely. That wouldn't lead me o cheat but I get the feeling.

This has obviously hurt you. You've been obsessing about it for two years, who wouldn't? Does she know how you feel? Have you told her any of your concerns?

I really hope you two can work this out and heal together. Best of luck :)

[Diggity11]

Yes she know how I feel and my concerns. I feel like this was affair went little longer than what I was told. I’ve been doing some research as I am wanting to know the number of sexual encounters and how long was this going on.

[bookangel16]

honestly, I think that if she liked this guy more than you shed be with him. don't worry about that. so what if she rarely gives you oral? maybe she's trying to avoid doing that so it won't bring up memories that she'd rather forget. in the long run does it really matter how many times she was with the guy? she told you TWO years ago. obviously you still love her,care about her and forgave her sense your not divorced now. if I was you id just be happy that she finally told me (though it'd have been better if she told you a lot sooner) and about the town people- who cares what they think. you can't help or do anything about the situation so don't sweat it.

[justincider]

My first thought would be what else don't I know? Obviously she kept it a secret for 10 years, so odds are there is other stuff you don't know, and more importantly she is capable of cheating and lying for a long time. It was forever ago and before you were married, so more forgiveable, but certainly cause for concern. What if a job made you travel a lot now? Hard to say the right approach. Id try to overlook it, but don't know if I would ultimately be able to. Depends on how you feel. Id say forgivable, but forever damaging, and shed better have her tail between her legs for years...

[Anonymous]

no offense but once a cheater always a cheater, plus the fact that she held this fact away for you for so long would make me doubt her and not believe her about much(id lose trust in her because she wasn't honest) your the only one that can choose your fate with her so choose wisely and think about the positive and negatives of your relationship.

[dudeman]

Leave her your in your early thorties college educated and probalby seven or so uears into a career man you are in your prime I say fold this hand and try your luck again

[Opalivian]

The past is the past. Everyone makes stupid mistakes and it will drive you nuts if you keep thinking about it.

Time to move on.

[Livestrong58]

Didnt read the entire thing to be honest, I hope there are not kids involved because I would tell you to leave her and never look back

[Anonymous]

Dude, she was young, and it was obviously just sex since she married you, and it was 10 years ago when she was much less committed to you, so get over it. If anything she owes you a hall pass, lol.