Search Results: get things back to how they were

I am meeting with my boyfriend of a year who said we were on a "break" a month ago and ghosted me. During that time he hungout with this girl that during our relationship I told him he cannot talk to or we are done. They have done sexual things before and she sent me an extremely disrespectful text (disrespecting me and my boyfriend) 6 months ago. He wants to talk tomorrow (likely about getting back together). I really need either him to confess to me he saw her or I need to bring it up and clarify that if we do get back together he needs to cut her off permanently and he will not be going on "breaks" to talk to her every now and then if thats why he did this. His response to those needs is the deciding factor that is gonna make or break his chance of getting back together with me. The problem is this is his first relationship and he has a strong "fighting = broken relationship" thinking. And unfortunately I cannot bring up this topic without being mad and fighting about it. I was thinking of typing everything I want to say on a paper a bringing it with me and then being like "I don't know how to talk about this without fighting and I don't want to fight so please read this" and hand it to him. Would this be a good idea or weird/too much drama? Any other ideas? I just feel like if I bring it up by talking about it that it will lead to a negative conversation/fighting and I won't say the right things on the spot.

Long story short, I started facing forced marriage threats from my dad since I was 5. It started with my parents telling me how they got married and that it is the norm in our culture. I was pretty much feeling really scared and anxious, so one night in 1st grade I couldn’t sleep from fear and anxiety, so went to looking for comfort from my parents (mind you they were still awake and chatting to each other).

I had this “you’re my parents you’re not going to do that to me right?” as my actual intention when confronting my parents, because as a kid I somehow understood all of the downside of forced marriage including marital rape—which now as a grown adult with a BSpsych + master in psychotherapy and training in working with forced marriage survivors/girls at risk, I can confirm my understanding back then was oddly correct and logical for a 5-year-old kid (which I got no idea how child me understood the concept so well just from reading and observation but adults didn’t?).

Anyways, continuing the story, instead of reassurance from my parents, what I got was my dad becoming furious, red, and started yelling about obedience because apparently I wasn’t “submissive” or “obedient enough” for a Asian little girl. I was constantly seen as a disrespectful brat because I wanted autonomy, and they are more than wrong, because revenge is the main thing that I aimed for.

I wasn’t just a disrespectful brat, I started having this desire to kill and to destroy anyone that attempted to hurt me especially and specifically my family. When i was 7 years old the plan was final, how i want to live my life, how i will destroy people involved if i were forced by my parents to marry, how much force would be appropriate, who to hurt and not to hurt,… back then i grieved my potentially muddy future, and now i grieve for my lost childhood.

Anyways, i’m interested if you had a normal childhood