Search Results: want him so bad

I feel a bit like I’ve been scammed because my old guitar teacher just confused me a bit and wasn’t very clear how he was explaining stuff, then would get a bit annoyed if I took a guitar lesson off someone else, he’d say “you’ll just confuse yourself if you take lessons or advice off other people.. they don’t know the angle we’re coming from”. But then he’d say “there’s no secret to playing guitar, it’s just hard work and focus” but then he’d say “I’ll let you in on a secret that professional guitarists use…” so it seems like he contradicts himself and doesn’t explain stuff that well maybe.

It’s really weird because all his other students say how great he is and how he’s really helping them, but I don’t get that. He’s had some very successful guitarists as students and they all say he’s helped them… but what he says to me is all wishy washy nonsense or at least he doesn’t explain things very well. Then my college lecturer on my music class explains stuff and it all makes sense to me. I dunno, I feel a bit taken advantage of by that guitar teacher, like his quality of teaching was purposely bad so I’d get more lessons. I also feel a lot of anxiety when I pick up guitar now so it seems like getting lessons with him has lowered my self esteem somehow. I feel a bit like I’m going crazy but can’t pinpoint why.
and I don’t get why he chose ME to do this to? I’ve been told I’m fairly intelligent and learn things easily so maybe he feels threatened by that and wants to slow my progress down so I get more lessons? I also felt a lot of anxiety around him like he’s judging me harshly. He’d also say “I think you know more than you think you do” and he’d keep going over the same topics again… and claiming that I don’t fully understand basic stuff… I dunno 🤷🏼‍♀️

Long story short fighting with boyfriend over his 4-5 day disappearing hanging with other people and chicks, and then when I go anywhere even a gas station for 35 min to an hour hanging out with my friends he gets upset and wants me to break down my reasons well on day 4 I said I didn't want to continue the relationship with how much he takes off never tells me where he's going makes me worry and never replies to me. Never helps at home with the baby.. so I finally say point blank in black and white, WHAT ARE YOUR INTENTIONS WITH OUR RELATIONSHIP? he says he will move out, I'm a fucking bitch, he can't stand me, and he will come pack his stuff.
Later 6 hours later asks if he can come get clothes I say yes. He shows up to sleep and repeat the cycle of taking off once awake. NOW 4 days after finding out his intentions I've tried distancing myself, Detaching etc. And He sparks another argument with me which I say why does it matter that I cooked dinner with my family last night I deserve social interaction too besides just kids all day. He says it's not fair cause he doesn't get to go out. He will count me 1 hour with my family but his 5 to 8 hour hangout at the neighbors wasn't getting out. Then I blow up saying, Were not together so who gives a fuck and he's like oh now we're not together I'm like no we haven't been together since you told me your intentions. I used to love him so much but the controlling behavior only seems to be getting worse. To the point he tells our neighbors he was going to smack the fuck out of me. Like what man does that? If someone told you that they hate you and their intentions were to leave you, then, by all means why does he think we're now working it out? Yea I've been civil. Civilly waiting for him to get his shit and go. Then says he doesn't know what makes me think he didn't want to still be with me? Like I'm more into self love after this experience. I asked point blank his intentions yet I'm the bad person now.

It might involve sexual things or it might not and I’d be clear about my intentions from the beginning. Not that long ago he said something that implied he’d date me if he could. That combined with a long flirtatious and semi-romantic history between us and the way I’ve seen him look at me and act with me makes me believe there’s a good chance he’d be with me.

REASONS I FEEL IT MIGHT BE A GOOD IDEA:

• My mom and I saw a movie in which a woman decided to be with a guy despite knowing he’s going to die. My mom said it’s not about how long the connection lasts, it’s about how deep it is. That made me feel like maybe it’s worth experiencing a relationship with my friend even though my ultimate goal is to find someone else.

• A part of me feels like life is short, and I should live in the moment as long it’s not something unsafe.

• I’m afraid that if I don’t take my chance while I have it, I’ll never know for the rest of my life how it feels to truly be with him romantically.

• I want him so badly it sometimes drives me crazy.

• A part of me feels like the reasons for not being with him don’t really matter when I want him so badly.

REASONS I FEEL IT MIGHT BE A BAD IDEA:

• I’ve never had a first kiss or date before and a part of me wants to save those things for a guy I feel more romantic about.

• I’m afraid I won’t be able to not compare the way my future fiancé touches me with the way my friend would touch me.

• A part of me hopes to lose my virginity to someone I’m more deeply in love with.

• Since I’m uncertain about the situation, a part of me feels like a ‘better safe than sorry’ approach is best.