Why do guys feel like they have to fix things?

[sfjenp]

Guys this question is directed to all of you. Why do you feel like you need to fix problems that your girlfriend or wife has. A friend and I were talking today. She said her boyfriend is always trying to fix problems for her. Do guys feel the need to the women that they care about because they don't want them to get hurt or do they just want to feel like a hero? Sometimes we just want you to listen to our problems like a sounding board, not because we want you to fix then for us. I hope I didn't offend anyone but I wanted to know if it is just because you feel like you need to be the protector

[pwl0lwp]

this is one of the fundamental difference in the way guys' and girls' brains work

generally, when a girl expresses a problem she's having, she's often simply wanting to communicate & share her situation with the people she cares about & improve the bonding by understanding what is going on in each others lives.

generally, when a guys expresses a problem he is having, he is looking for a way to overcome it.

with these general backgrounds in mind, it is inevitable that when a girl expresses a problem to a guy (because she wants to share her experiences) the guy hears that as a request for help (because that's what he would want). he then goes off (often half-cocked) to solve the problem, or give the girl answers, or whatever, whilst she gets annoyed because he's not listening to what she's sharing & seems to just be trying to shut down the discussion by giving an answer.

even though I understand how this works I still fall into the trap - that's how strong the imperative to "help" is.

it's important for guys to understand that girls sometimes just want us to listen (nod, make the right noises, etc), but it's also important for girls to realise that guys see problems as things to be overcome & solved. it also doesn't help that sometimes girls *do* want help :P

one good way to help reduce this miscommunication is for girls to start with "i don't need any help with this but let me tell you about what happened." , and for guys (if their not sure) to try to *wait* until the girl has said her piece & then acknowledge that he heard the problem ("that's terrible") and *then* ask if she wants any help ("i could try to help you with that, if you like?").

worth a try, anyway.

[Just-A-Random-Guy]

Best answer.

[Girl_Interuppted]

Definitely best answer. I don't think it's so much that women DON'T want help, that makes it seem as if women are these idiots who just like to cry and lament.

I think it's that: men show and understand care as action. Women show and understand care as words.

So, when a woman tells a man something terrible and he retorts: "OK, first you need to do A then B then C"; what a woman hears is: "This isn't really a major issue, all you need to do is that and then you'll be fine, stop getting so upset"; whereas what the man thinks is: "Shit, this is a serious issue... I really need to find an answer... I know!"

It's more important to the woman that you acknowledge it first... women are made to feel like they're crazy every day anyway, so feeling that you support her emotions instead of trying to repress them or tell them they're wrong is key. THEN we look for the solution.

Women need to understand that if men didn't care.. they wouldn't even help you to find a solution.

[raz0rblastz]

guys have this "i see a problem,lets fix it" mentality.its in our inner selves and I dun think it can be changed.maybe slightly modified to include the "listening and not doing anything" aspect but I dun think girls can actually hope to see a major change in their way of doing things

one thing girls need to understand is that guys fix things because they want to show their affection and care for their opposite half through such actions.they're main goal is eventually happiness for their opposite half.its not as easy thinking for solutions to girls' various problems you know.girls pls appreciate what the guy does and not jus blindly criticize.

ok having said this yes I know listening to guys think abt solutions and not like quietly giving you a listening ear only is quite a chore for you girls.sure I wouldn't fault you at all that you want this to stop.jus hoping that if you see the meaning behind such actions then you wouldn't be so indignant(?) abt this

ok and yes.this is a sexist attitude HAHAHA.

[leejameyjon]

there's lots of reasons why men like to fix things , first off we are just hard wired that way ,
its what we do , its part of our gender role if you like , second , men don't like , and get irritated by , hearing a complaint or an over excessive dissection of a problem that couold be easily avoided if you just fix it and move on , if you used your husband as a sounding board as much as you like you would be dealing with a manic depressive husband in a very short space of time. not to be offensive , just candidly honest , hopr you appreciate the answer. #menarefrommarswomanarefromvenus excellent book give it a read

[leejameyjon]

. . . also , in a hunter gatherer scenario , out in the wild hunting etc (grr yeah) if we stopped to chat over every little detail we wouldn't last very long , hence why we "fix" it and move on , but remember this , would you rather a fella try to help or just shrug his shoulders and say "what you tellin me for?" we try to fix because its our first instinct and because we care , love and care stimulate that instinct. . . . might be last post. . . not sure. . . something else might pop up

[leejameyjon]

ps , there's nothing sexist in your comments , theyr just honest and have become unacceptable over the years , leaving that one there lol

[WelshWolf]

Look, as a guy, I'm getting quite fed up of this whole situation. I don't even mean the actual boy/girl mentality, but the mentality of the people discussing this question here.

I was accused of being sexist last month when I fell into this trap of trying to fix things for a girl instead of being sympathetic. Okay, fair dos, my bad. But it is not sexist. I'm not trying to fix things because she is a girl, I'm trying to help find a solution because she was my friend. I'd take the exact same stance/reaction to anyone - Male or Female - and have done in the past, and will continue to do so in the future.

So then for people to discuss it on here as a 'me macho man and you pretty lady' sort of mentality is a load of rubbish and, in many respects, insulting to me. It isn't me wanting 'to feel like a hero', it isn't me reacting to a person's gender, it is me reacting to a human being in distress.

They are suffering. I want to help end that suffering.

The different mind sets do exist. I'm not denying that. But reading these comments people seem to be forgetting same gender relations as well - when a Guy complains to me, I'll offer advice to fix it. Why is it then that when I react the same way to a girl, suddenly I'm doing it because I want to be her hero, or the man in her life?

[RoryGMac]

Sadly too many people (mental health professionals included) treat this as a bug rather than a feature and almost everything you'll read about it focuses on how to fix this trait in men rather than getting both parties to find a middle ground on the issue.

Short answer, we're wired that way. Trying to break men of this "habit" is like trying to get dogs to stop sniffing each others' butts.

Long answer involves thousands of years of evolution as the hunter, provider, protector etc.

It's not that we don't care. I we didn't care we wouldn't want to fix the issue that is causing a problem. Most guys aren't stupid. We are completely capable of recognizing the correct answer when told. I saw something recently that explained how to deal with the issue.

Guys, when she comes to you with an issue, straight up ask if she's looking for a solution or if she wants sympathy/empathy/hug/shoulder to cry on.

Girls, don't be afraid to start with "Hey, I really need some sympathy/empathy/hug/shoulder to cry on.

[martyfellow]

The more I like a woman the more I want to do something for her, and often things need to be fixed, no, and often we guys have more experience at that sort of thing because most women aren't raised learning to do repairs. It may be changing but overall it's still that way.

There are more affective, romantic things I'd like to do, but the opportunities don't often present themselves, but something ALWAYS needs repairing!

You're probably right that we shouldn't always be trying to 'fix' personal problems, though. There we are just expected to be a sounding board as you say.

[wally]

If a guy love and care for the girl he'll try to do his best not just to fix her problems but also make sure that her feelings not getting hurt by any meaning ,its not a heroic thing or trying to show off because he already got her in his life ,its love .

[Jason_H]

Here's my position on this. Imagine your child comes home from school with a problem. This problem is really upsetting him or her to the point of tears. How do you feel? You want to fix it, right? You want to do everything in your power to take away your child's pain.
That's how I feel when my girlfriend tells me about something that's bothering her. I always listen to her and giver her support but I also want to give her a solution because I don't want her upset or hurt.
Whether most guys realize it or not, I think we all feel the same way, deep down. We love you and we don't want to see you hurt so we offer solutions to help you.

Of course, we can't overlook the fact that men are more direct and solution-oriented. That definitely plays a role.