I saw my boyfriend cry...now he's defensive.

[Anonymous]

We were in Les Miss, the movie, and at the end, I turned to look at him and saw a tear rolling down his cheek. I've never seen him cry before; I've seen him come close to crying, but never actually cry.

My response was to reach up, wipe the tear away and then give him a peck on the cheek.

After the movie he got defensive and began to justify his reaction saying he also cried at the end of Lord of the Rings and kept making references about how he was "still manly" and whatnot.

My question is, why? Why did he feel the need to justify it? We've been together for over a year and have been best friends for four years prior to that.

I know men have this thing about crying being emasculate and all that, but honestly, I don't see how my reaction could have made him think I thought he wasn't masculine. He brought it up, I didn't. I wasn't even going to mention it.

So, could you shed some insight into this? He's always been confident and all so this defensive reaction is out of character.

Updates

+1 y

Thank you for your insight. Now I suppose I need to set about finding a way to convince him that I don't judge him for it. In fact, I'm glad he's comfortable enough with his emotions to let them show.

[mlmartin]

I think that you hit the nail on the head when you made the comment about how guys feel that crying emasculates them. Even the most secure guys have their insecurities too. Maybe he didn't want you to see him cry because he's afraid that you (and/or others) will see him as less manly. (Well, obviously he was afraid of that, considering he made a reference to still being manly. Haha) Even with your very encouraging response to it, he still may not feel comfortable crying in front of others. Men are taught throughout their lives by parents, friends, the media that they shouldn't openly express their emotions, except anger of course (sigh). Even though you didn't mind him crying, he did. And you can't force him to feel comfortable to cry. Maybe it would have even been different if the two of you weren't in public. I'm sure that after a year of being in a relationship, he has opened up to you more as time goes along, and I'm sure that he will continue opening up to you considering the positive feedback you give him. Even if he does act defensive about it, maybe the fact that YOU didn't make him feel bad for it will have a positive impact on him. :)

[Anonymous]

I cried too at that movie and also at Band of Brothers and several others, but I hid it from my girlfriend. We know that girls judge us as weak and insecure when we show emotions, so we just pretend not to have any. Girls loose attraction towards us men when we appear more human. In a girl's mind, you want us to be super heros all the time, we know to keep the attraction going towards us, we have to not show tears in front of you unless a family member dies. That's the only exception. I've had ex gf's make fun of me before at crying in front of movies. Most girls are vicious at sniffing out a man's weakness, so we don't show it. That's why girls like confidence so much, they don't understand our more sensitive sides, nor do most of you care to learn about it. So if we cry, we hide it for good reason.

[Opinion Owner]

Update: He's sensitive as it is, you don't need to convince him of anything. The best thing you can do is just let everything drop and don't bring it up again unless he does first. Don't talk to him!

[Anonymous]

That's because he's worried you judge him for not being manly. The movie touched him. I had a tear or two come down my eye when I it too. It is one of those movies that just get to you. I tried to hide my tear too, because I was scared my girlfriend was going to see me as some type of wimp. Honestly, women get scared when us men loose confidence even for a second. That's why girls like firefighters and guys like that so much, they don't ever want a man to show fear or too many emotions. It makes us look weak, so we hide it and hope you don't notice our more human side.

[tzdc21]

Here's why. This is something most women can't understand because they've never been inside of a guy's shoes. We live in a completely different world than you ladies do. As a man, he lives in a world where he is frequently bashed or shamed for showing any sort of emotion like crying. From the time we are boys it is indoctrinated into our brains, and it's very hard to pull out if that. ESPECIALLY in a screwed up society where we're always expected to be the strong one, the rock, the stable pillar. That's why your boyfriend reacted the way he did.

[Anonymous]

Well, there are a lot of guys that feel that it is a sign of weakness, especially if it's while watching a movie. A lot of girls feel that way too whether they want to admit it or not. I know how some like to say bs like they like a sensitive guy. Also, there are some girls that will use that as a weapon during their next fight. Any weakness can and probably will be used as a weapon, which is something guys are more cognizant of. It is not surprising in the least that he is defensive about it.

[palek]

As long as he didn't fall into the aisle sobbing and heaving uncontrollably like some little girlie-man, it's all good. Just tell him to shake it off, and get on with being a man and you'll pretend it never happened.

[Deft_maiden]

link

[palek]

Ha! ; - )

[Deft_maiden]

;-D

[Happy-Plum-Pants]

I made it through without crying...does that make me less of a man, or more of a man?

[Asker]

I made it through without crying too. Crying doesn't determine your masculinity. Men are human. They have emotions. It's really no big deal lol.

[Anonymous]

we don't like showing our vulnerable side. and, at least with me, it's not about some macho bullsh*t. I don't know why we just don't like showing that side of ourselves.