Girl sees a guy as a "security blanket"

[mikeydnuts]

Me and this girl use to have a lot of fun together nothing romantic but hinted at. This first started out as a friendship and me using her to get another girl, it obviously didn't work. I spent more and more time with this girl and I felt she started getting attached but I was more focused on the other girl. Fast forward months I gave up on the initial girl and started focusing more on her. One night she asked if we could "pretend date" when we were hanging with each other plus her best friend and cousin, the two most important people in her life. I didn't say anything since I thought it was joke. Since then it was on and off of periods of seeing each other in person and weeks of not. I admit I didn't try as hard as I should. It also got to the point where she only called me when she was upset over her mother passing away almost two years ago. We got into an argument and didn't talk for a couple months but still saw each other at work(small part time job). We started talking again a little over a two months ago. We planned on hanging out again and getting a fresh start but her dad was in and out of the hospital and I was called up at work one day multiple times and she got upset at me for not being there. I felt like I was being used as emotional tampon again so I got mad and told her quit whining and that's all I hear from her. Tried explaining myself over text after I apologized in person and she got even more mad and went into bitch mode. So we aren't talking now again, but at work I get the occasional blank stare and she in my opinion looks miserable. We aren't friends right now and deleted each other off of social media, but in some strange reason she kept my mom who she has met once. What should I do minus moving on?

Updates

+1 y

I said a simple hey to her today was ignore :/ I may just try and talk to her asking to be a friend again, that I'm honored she choose me to go to when she was upset, sorry that I wasn't there and had a freak out moment. That I miss her in my life. That good stuff. I'm freaking out!

Updates

+1 y

Well guys I went up to her today to ask to be friends again. I got a yes. Later on we had a short conversation about what is going on. Texted her a couple hours later and still haven't heard anything back :/ so Ill try again in the next few days. Still no readded me as a friend and also found out she spread our fight throughout our place of work. I'm happy but as always could have gone better. I have a lot of work to do.

Updates

+1 y

Well found out today that one of her favorite artists are in town so Ill buy the tickets tmrw. She always said I never initiated things so it can only go up from there, as long as I don't ruin it between then and now. lol

[Anonymous]

hmmm, first your thread title is slightly misleading, second.. this seems to be a difficult situation..

you have the right right to get angry and snap but you also have to think about this, what if they were your parents and you loved them, would you just leave them to die so you don't get fired? or would you go there?

she obviously cares for her parents and after losing her mom imagine how she'd feel about the idea of losing her dad, it may not seem like it but I think she likes you/wants you to be with her especially now

the part you mentioned fake date? I used that on my boyfriend before going official because I've never had a relationship before (no people with me tho, I hate the attention.. but that's not the point), she was probably "testing the water" so to speak and her best friend and cousin were probably there as spectators, just because she uses you as an "emotional tampon" doesn't mean you should shove her off, almost every guy is used like that at some point in their lives especially if what she's going through is very serious, you should expect it, not get pissed off about it (unless it wasn't serious at all), it may be no biggy for you but it is for her, just because you two aren't official doesn't mean you should be cold or indifferent

shes in a chaotic emotional rollercoaster right now, nothing and nobody to cushion it or let it out, unlike guys who can easily lock up their emotions girls have a hard time being like that, you seem to like her so you should help her through it however you can, not pretend that your job is more important than someones fading life or the girl who cares about both of you

i didn't mean to offend in any way but it just seems that your a bit clueless and very insensitive, I understand that your frustrated with all the issues going on but its is a big issue, think of the situation and put yourself in her shoes, she's probably shy/emotional hiding under the guise of another personality, its likely.., I hope for for both of you that you stay with her, wish you the best of luck, your gonna need it :)

[mikeydnuts]

I was the only one minus her aunt from her moms side that went up to comfort and try to help her when her dad was in the hospital the Sunday before she called me multiple times. Sad to say yes my job eventhough its part time and the pay is crap is slightly more important. I think if and when we become friends again that I will ask why out of everyone she claims to have she would call me.

[Opinion Owner]

hmm, OK so your not as insensitive as I first thought, but you should still be there for her, if I were her I'd say because i/she likes you but afraid to show it, (I hope my boyfriend didn't 6th sense that part xD)

dont wait until her dad dies, it might traumatize her, just go for it! o.o

[mikeydnuts]

Hey now I'm not insensitive just at this time for many reasons including issues in my own life and prior experience when she was a total bitch not only to me but others in her life. Yes she introduced me to her two closest people in her life her best friend of eight years and her cousin and her coworker in her department. I would hear stories of how she can be a total bitch to those that only did the best for her but it wasn't good enough or wasn't consistent then all hell breaks loose.

[mikeydnuts]

For example her best friend was called when her dad was intially in the hospital awhile ago. She couldn't come cause she was hanging with her boyfriend that started a huge argument cause she gives a lot and expects it back in return at any given second. People are busy, I'm busy. I could go on and on about this. I don't know she showed what I at least thought were signs of liking me and just one day around the asking to pretend date it all stopped and my advances were ignored. Yes she her last

[mikeydnuts]

relationship was ended suddenly and I know it still bugs her. She is the type of person that won't let things die but she won't admit it. I'm the same way. She needs people but won't admit it I've heard that she needs me. In the end I don't want to be used again. I will say hi to her when I see her next to break the tension and will see where it goes from there. In my world I would like it to go back to how the summer was and how it was heading. I will ask her about why she called me instead of others

[Anonymous]

Ugh...that's what I'll start out saying.

You originally developed a friendship, then used her to get another girl (which, in your defense, she agreed to do). You knew she was getting attached, but brushed it off. She asked to "pretend date" you, and you joked it off. You "didn't try as hard" as you should have, but even so, she confides in you about her mom.

I find it to be a pretty d*** move that you feel she's using you as an "emotional tampon" during terrible times of grief (thinking of her mother and dealing with her father in-and-out of the hospital). You should feel honored that she feels comfortable enough with you to share those things. But instead, when she's her most vulnerable, you chastise her for "whining." She gets upset, so you backpedal and apologize, then don't understand why she won't toss up her hands and say "aw it's ok."

This girl is clearly into you (practically head over heels) and it seems as though your actions have conveyed that you couldn't care less. Granted, I'm only going off of what you included in your question, but that's what I get from it.

[stormchuck]

Look I do feel honored and was there for her during hard times a lot and reached out when I knew she was upset over it. What makes you think she was head over heels for me? and more importanty how do I go about fixing this I know a lot is in her court

[Opinion Owner]

You apologized, now just give her time. If she really wants to be with you, she'll contact you.

As for her being into you, she wouldn't be this upset if she didn't care. That alone is a big sign (despite the fact that she wanted to "pretend date" you in front of two important people in her life and confide serious issues in you).

[stormchuck]

I was the one that deleted her as a friend for many reasons she gets really hurtful and attacks the people close to her. I tried explaining myself and I was being annoying and overly obsessed. I see her point to. Time is needed. I may say a simple hello when I see her next it can't hurt to much and can help alot

[Opinion Owner]

Yes...you're both equally at fault here. The best thing to do is just give it time and let it blow over. If you both care about each other and are responsible, you'll both forgive.

[stormchuck]

It's almost been a month since the argument

[Opinion Owner]

Oh! When was the last time you contacted her?

[stormchuck]

texted her to bury the hatchet for real this time(she originally asked me this on the first argument) was two weeks ago later in the night. I saw her the next two days and that's when I got a lot of the looks.

[stormchuck]

she didn't respond either btw

[Opinion Owner]

Hmm...I don't know what to tell you. I'd suggest just letting it go and give up trying to contact her, unless you really want to fight for it.

[stormchuck]

it was later in the night and I'm willing to fight on this one.

[stormchuck]

she is the type of person that holds grudges for awhile our last argument was almost two months before she came back around after being a total bitch

[stormchuck]

she is the type of person like most of us that don't communicate well in person. She is like me kinda can't have a serious conversation face to face to someone and I think if I talked to her in person face to face it will say a lot about my character. Its worth a try.

[Opinion Owner]

@updates: well, the ball is in her court and you've been working to make things right. I think all will be well in time.

[mikeydnuts]

Texted her tonight and didn't get a response. I know I shouldn't be forceful but when I see her later this week should I calmly and nicely ask her why she isn't responding?

[Opinion Owner]

Yes, I would. She at least owes you that. After you talk to her, if she's still cold, then back off from contacting her.

[mikeydnuts]

Yeah there are many ways I could go with this and haven't decided which way to go with it. During our short conversation she brought up a very minor detail about a conversation we had in September about her friends grandma, I remembered it too but played stupid to keep the conversation going. She started laughing at someones joke and hit my leg. Then I texted her later that evening and the next day and no response. :/ Might bring up some good memories as well. Idk

[mikeydnuts]

she was surprised that I didn't remember the nickname or conversation but she remembered it for some reason

[PonyCar]

Real Question You're Asking: Is this repairable?
Short Answer: Nope.
Slightly Longer Answer: Even if it was, it wouldn't be worth the outcome because it'll never be like it was before.

Explanation:
You want someone who'll help you get yours/the relationships you want and not rely upon you when they're upset.
She wants someone who'll "pretend date" her be there for her when she's upset.
You think a friend venting to/confiding in you is them "using you as an emotional tampon."
She thinks venting to/confiding in a friend is normal.

There's a word for this. It's called "incompatibility."

She has realized that even though she liked you, you're not the kind of person she could be with. She needs something she's not going to find with you, and while that may make her sad (since she obviously once thought that a relationship with you was a real possibility once) she's not going to reneg on her conclusion.

[stormchuck]

Hold the phone. I'm not the kind of person she could be with? I'm so lost on your last paragraph

[PonyCar]

She has realized that you guys are incompatible, and that probably makes her sad. It's explaining why she looks miserable.

[mikeydnuts]

could be. the girl has a lot of issues but our fight is on her mind

[yaddayaddayadda02]

That's about all you can do. You were friend zoned. Move on and find a girl who wants to date you.

[mikeydnuts]

what makes you say that?

[renogaza]

a great majority of guys always assume they got friend zoned, its just the latest in social paranoia, I just ignore it and study "the truth behind all truths" single yet migraine inducing lol!

[yaddayaddayadda02]

She wanted to take you on a "pretend date"

She only called you when she wanted emotional support

You feel like an 'emotional tampon'

[renogaza]

1st I did that with my boyfriend before going official

2nd would you rather be called and texted every waking moment of your life? how about 3 in the morning just to know if you were dreaming of her? even I think that'd be obnoxious.

3rd all guys are emotional tampons, you should be expecting that

[yaddayaddayadda02]

1) fine. I wouldn't go on a pretend date unless I knew it was as friends only

2) It's not one extreme or the other.

3) Not all men. Speak for your guys

[mikeydnuts]

I would have to agree on the statement yaddayaddayadda02 made about the not all guys are emotional tampons. Some are more than others. I wasn't always called when she was overly upset about her moms passing. That's about the only time she would call or when she got upset with her best friend that was a mutual friend. I heard it from both sides more from her and it got frustrating. It started to eventually turn into only being an emotional tampon so I backed off in the wrong way by fighting.

[mikeydnuts]

For reasons I don't know it got to the point where that's all I would ever hear from her. It use to be much more positive but it got to the point now its partly my fault I reached out when I knew she was overly upset about her mother and her anxiety attacks would come back. And her asking to pretend date threw me way off still to do this day.

[JanuaryX]

Well, if you still want her back in your life you gotta find a way to talk to her. May it be face to face, message her via text or email, Social Meda, find a way to fix things. :)

[Anonymous]

youre a horrible person. she let you use her for your advantage but you can't even support her?