What are we waiting for?

I don't know about you, but I always find it funny listening to the stories my co-workers have regarding their love interests.

Not one of them, including those married, ever have anything nice to say about their significant others. I'm assuming they are happy to some degree because they are still with these people, but every time I see them it's some new reason why their relationship is a pain and they hate it.

They sound like they are kicking and screaming through everyday. Of course, I could say the same about how they talk about their job, but I digress.

When I start to laugh, I start to think in my mind, "Well, what are you doing in this relationship?" If it's as bad as it sounds, why would you waste anymore time in it?

One person I work with disagrees categorically on two major points with his wife who he has children with. One being religion - he is a fundamentalist in his chosen faith, while she has ex-communicated herself from the church. The second being that she wants to pursue other exploits in the bedroom, while he refuses to wander from the teachings he receives on this subject.

Gogus olculeri
Why on earth would anyone want to live in this predicament? Religious issues can be mitigated in a relationship, I've seen this before. But someone who is convinced there is no God, and another who all but swears he saw them, that's just a bad scene waiting to happen. Look at the Middle East for confirmation.

And someone who wants to experiment sexually, while another believes that anything besides procreation is a sin?? Friday night dinner has to be exceptional in this household, don't you think?

The thing that absolutely kills me about this is that these are two people who are extremely young, and could have gotten out of this relationship quite easily. For one, as decidedly religious as he is, their first child was conceived after marriage. She was willing to get an abortion, but he absolutely refused. Didn't want to be a sinner.

I could go on and on about this couple, but we'd be here all night. Getting past their issues, I always hear his side of things, and he's absolutely unhappy. Even though he does not make direct statements, he feels obligated by his faith to carry on the relationship, to fulfill his agreement with God, and to re-convert her. But he is never, ever, ever happy.

She feels obligated because neither two are established, he doesn't make enough money to support his entire family, and his religion frowns upon women working. She also feels that their children should have their father around, something she didn't have.

But she has major trust issues with men, and tends to get illogical about situations, like him having a long day at work. And if she's mad enough about these things, she flirts with his friends openly, in front of him. Of course, causing more damage.

This particular relationship makes me question why humans are so hard headed about staying in relationships that make them miserable.

"Why are you not standing up for yourself and saying to the one that hurts you that you are not happy and that this not what you want?"
The whole idea of a marriage, or a significant other, or whatever you want to call it, is to be HAPPY! We can't control our work environments most of the time, we can't control who we come in contact with, we can't control our financial obligations enough, the list goes on and on. But the one thing we have complete control over is finding the right partner for us.

Yet so many people get into relationships that they despise so much, they vent to everyone they come in contact with at their job, a place that is becoming more and more hostile towards personal issues being present.

Having never been married, I guess I don't understand that type of relationship. But I hear a lot of the same complaints from people who are not married, and let's face it, have easier access to the red button if they so desire.

What are people doing, lingering in bad relationships?

I think we all agree, that it has something to do with a fear of being alone. In other words, people settle. They compromise that they did not reach their dreams of stardom in sports or arts, or they did not become the award winning doctor they dreamed of as children. They compromise that they are not meant for management at their current job, and are willing to accept the position they are at for the next 30 years. When they retire, that's when they will do the real living they were supposed to.

Retirement? Yes, these people, and you know who you are, are planning your big move into your dream life when you'll be too old to do anything about it. And as you move closer to that point, you become more settled into the bad relationship you are in.

By the time retirement comes around, you won't want to do what you wanted to when you were 20 or 30. You won't make the cross country move you've kept talking about, and you probably will have stuck yourself in that bad relationship so far, that you'll just accept that the person you say you hate the most, will be buried next to you in that small meadow you picked out in the cemetery.

Well I ask, what are you waiting for?

Why are you allowing yourself be torn apart, piece by piece, day by day, slower and slower?

Why are you not standing up for yourself and saying to the one that hurts you that you are not happy and that this not what you want?

Why are you not controlling the one part of your life you have control of?

You may be afraid of being alone, but aren't you more afraid of never getting anything you want?

Why are you not more afraid of falling into mediocrity? Aren't you more afraid of being like your parents?

It occurs to me the more I listen to this co-worker, that girls never gave him chance in high school, he was completely afraid of talking to any, and even more afraid of standing out. Not that it's a nice phrase, but it fits, no backbone. He knew his wife in high school and after graduation, she didn't want to be at home anymore, and he had a place. Finally, he had a shot with the one thing that had alluded him thus far in life.

Now, knowing what you know, does this sound like the start of a relationship worth having? And, does it sound familiar?

The reality for these two is that they were stuck where they were at the time, used each other to accomplish a goal, rather than building a relationship, and are now stuck again, and feel they have no way out. This is so unfair to themselves and their children. If any of you had parents that were fighting all the time, then you know what I am talking about.

He tells me about her flirting, and it has become more blatant over time, and now he laughs it off like it's funny. He's accepted it. A better choice of words, he's settled. He's compromised the one thing he wanted, a loving relationship. Now, he just has a shell of one.

He may as well be a gambling addict. He wasn't ready for this because he wasn't ready to evaluate his wants and needs and how they relate to a relationship.

"We need to allow some time to grow before we can really offer ourselves as potential mates to others."
She wasn't ready, because she generally hates men, especially inept one's, like her current husband. And, she viewed a relationship as a way out, as opposed to a way in.

So sad, but so many relationships carry on like this, and people just accept it as acceptable. It doesn't matter what it is, you need to have the courage to end something that is not going to work. You need to be true to yourself and true your partner. We change over time and what we find appealing at 21 is not the same as when we are 26.

We need to allow some time to grow before we can really offer ourselves as potential mates to others. And we need to have a clear understanding of who we are.

Never settle, and never accept. Try out new things all the time, this includes potential partners. Try out, as in date many different kinds, you have no idea what is going to be attractive to you until you try it.

Keeping that in mind, we need to remember, never to wait. Because if you wait, you might be retired.


Most Helpful Girl

  • Man--I am soooo lucky--I found a man that I praise every day--we have our issues but we work through them with ,voe and honesty. I think if we grow old together, I will pass the very day he does--I love him so much--and our daughter adore shim too...I am soo blessed!!!!!!


Most Helpful Guy

  • Thanks! Yeah, these are good reminders. I settled in the first marriage, also, for someone that I really did not want to be married to. I thought he would change or that things would get better. But, the truth was that he really did not love me the way that I wanted or needed, and I grew to not love him after a while either. I think that if I have it to do all over again, I will wait until I find somebody that will truly be my equal (in all the good ways!). Thanks again!


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What Girls Said 4

  • I have to say this article really hit home for me too. I also wonder such things when I hear people always to talk bad about their other half. I also agree people are just really scare to be lonely. Thanks a million for sharing your thoughts.

  • Thanks for this story, it hit close to home. I definately settled, when I married at 17 years old... a marriage of convenience for sure. We had 2 beautiful daughters later on... but I was never truly happy. I left him many times, always going back to him because he promised to be better, he promised to actually pay attention to me, he promised to help out with the kids, promise promise promise, and threatened suicide. In the end I knew I had more respect for myself than to settle any longer.

  • I guess you are saying he settled and she used him to get a place to live and move out...

    it wasn't for love? interesting none-the less!

  • Here I'am crying because I'm alone sometimes. I try to get over it and be happy that I'am single and alone so I won't have problems like that but deep down inside I feel so alone strange huh?


What Guys Said 4

  • Its strange to me reading this because my father was only a year older than me when he married my mother. They really got lucky, they seem to really love each other still despite how young they married. Its relationships like this one that makes me want to wait until I'm around 27-29 to look to settle down.

  • Milund, nothing worth having in this life comes easy. And relationships are not, and should not be any different. I'm sorry you are alone and not liking it, but it must mean that something great will come your way.

  • I think she used him, and he used her but not in the way you and I would consider being used.

    Then again, it's all use in the end, right?

  • Milund12, there are always going to be moments you'll be alone in life - the best thing you can do is accept it.

    Good things happen to people who wait.


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